There’s one thing I know all too well from being a men’s life, dating, and relationship coach, and it’s that navigating the world of dating and forming new connections is an exciting yet challenging journey.
One common hurdle and challenge that many men face when embarking on this path is performance anxiety. Performance anxiety is that overwhelming feeling of nervousness and self-doubt that can really hinder a man’s ability to experience intimacy and be sexually satisfied.
However, it is important to recognize that performance anxiety is a normal and natural response, and there are effective strategies to deal with it and to conquer it.
In this post, we’re going to dive into the causes of performance anxiety, discuss some of the impacts it has on relationships, provide you with insight into what women are thinking when it occurs, and share practical tips on how you can overcome it and cultivate more fulfilling connections with new women.
Understanding performance anxiety
The feeling of performance anxiety can be akin to stage fright, and it’s a physiological and psychological response triggered by the fear of judgment, failure, or underperforming in a particular situation.
In the context of our intimate relationships, it manifests as anxiety about our sexual performance, our body image, and simply our overall expectations. When we are spending time with somebody new, it can amplify these feelings, leading to a cycle of self-doubt when it comes to moving into the bedroom.
This can manifest as nervousness, negative self-talk, physical reactions such as sweating, trembling, or nausea, issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED), or even premature ejaculation. It can even lead to avoidance behavior, where you try to avoid sexual situations altogether to prevent anxiety from arising.
The impact on relationships
Performance anxiety can have a significant impact on any newly forming relationship. It can lead to decreased self-esteem, prevent you from having effective communication, and even cause avoidance of potential partners or potential romantic situations.
This anxiety will often take you out of the present moment, which robs you and your partner of the ability to authentically connect and enjoy each other’s company.
The truth is that overcoming performance anxiety is not just about improving your sexual experiences but it is about building a stronger foundation for emotional intimacy and trust. Without these two elements present within your relationship, it’s going to be increasingly difficult to overcome performance anxiety.
What women are thinking
Now it’s important to remember that what a woman is thinking in this situation is going to be individual and unique. Most women will recognize that this situation is normal and can happen to anyone.
The thought that she might think is, “It’s okay, these things happen, and it really doesn’t define our connection.” Many women can be very empathetic and understanding when their partner faces performance issues, but other women might actually worry that they did something wrong or that they’re simply not attractive enough to get their partner going.
However, with some effective communication, women will understand that performance issues are not a reflection of their attractiveness or desirability. Women who care for you will also likely be concerned for your well-being. They might be thinking along the lines of, “I hope he’s okay and not feeling too stressed or embarrassed” because we all know that these are situations that we can work through together as a couple.
A woman will very likely desire to have open communication with you about the issue, versus you avoiding it or writing it off.
Now, there is a small handful of women that will judge a man based on his performance, and if this is the case for you, it’s likely that this may not be the right partner for you.
Practical steps to overcome performance anxiety
1. Embrace realistic expectations
It is really important to recognize that no one and no man is perfect, and your intimate encounters should not be judged. Instead of thinking of sex as how well did I perform, think of it as a shared experience, as this is going to alleviate any unnecessary pressure. Focus more on mutual pleasure and exploration rather than striving for some flawless performance.
2. Develop open communication around it
Learn to be open and honest with your partner because this is incredibly liberating. If you open up and share your experience, it’s likely that you’re going to allow her to do the same. Many women also have moments of nervousness and shyness during intimate encounters, so having honest conversations about your insecurities can foster a deeper connection and help get rid of any unrealistic expectations that might be brought into the bedroom.
3. Work on building your emotional intimacy
One of the best tips to overcoming performance anxiety is to invest time in getting to know each other on a deeper level, as the stronger your emotional connection, the stronger your physical relationship becomes.
4. Practice mindfulness techniques
Learning to slow yourself down by doing techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or even progressive muscle relaxation can help you calm your nerves and ground you in the present moment. This will allow you to reduce your anxiety and enhance your ability to stay present and connected to your partner during intimate moments.
5. Slow everything down
Remember that there’s no rush to get physical with a new partner. Take your time to establish trust and comfort within any newly forming relationship and progress at a pace that feels natural for both of you.
6. Focus on connection and foreplay
When getting intimate with your partner, place emphasis on foreplay and emotional connection rather than fixating on intercourse and the end goal of climax. Enjoy engaging in activities that promote bonding, such as cuddling, kissing, and intimate conversations.
7. Seek professional help if needed
Now if you’re trying the above strategies and you still feel a high sense of performance anxiety and it continues to be a significant obstacle to your relationship, consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counsellor. It may be helpful to get personalized strategies and tools to address your anxiety and improve your overall well-being, connecting in a meaningful way to your partner.
Overcoming performance anxiety with new partners is a journey that will require patience, compassion, and a willingness to embrace one’s vulnerability. However, if you’re able to shift your mindset, foster open communication, and build an emotional connection with your partner, you’ll gradually overcome this challenge to create more fulfilling and satisfying connections with new women. Remember that the goal in any relationship is not perfection but rather genuine connection and shared experiences that will both enrich your lives and the lives of your partners.
Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men, and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast where she talks candidly about life, dating and relationships. She supports men to find and keep healthy, loving relationships. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill for daily inspiration, or to learn more information and book a complimentary dating strategy call click here.
