In this episode of The Self-Confidence Project, host Kimberly delves into the complex factors motivating women to engage in sexual relationships. Explaining the four major motivating factors—physical, emotional, relational, and social/goal-oriented—as per the study ‘Sexual Motivation in Women as a Function of Age’ by Cindy M. Meston, Lisa Dawn Hamilton, and Christopher Hart, Kimberly provides insights on how age differences and life circumstances influence these motivations. She also discusses the importance of understanding these drivers for healthier, more intimate relationships.
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Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I am your host, Kimberly. And if you’ve ever wondered what actually motivates women to want to have sex with you, or you’re simply the kind of guy that just wants to improve. Uh, physical intimacy within your loving relationships, then definitely stick around for this show because I’m going to be sharing with you. The four major motivating factors for why women have sex.
It’s more than you think and the age differences in these motivations. And then of course, I’m going to share with you why it’s really important to know this so that you guys can cultivate and build stronger, more deeply intimate. Relationships now. All the information I’m going to share with you today is not just what I think drives women’s motivations, but what is in fact, um, come out of a study called sexual motivation in women as a function of age.
And this was a. A study that was done by Cindy M messed in, uh, Lisa Dawn [00:01:00] Hamilton, Christopher Hart, and the study was designed to essentially explore how the motivation for sex varies across different age groups and women. But what’s fascinating is just learning. In fact, what motivates women in the first place now? This research was published, uh, under the national Institute of health.
So you can go ahead and read this study yourself. Um, but it is aimed essentially to provide insight into the biological physiological and social factors that influence women’s sexual drive at various stages of life. Now you might have your own presuppositions or ideas on what motivates a woman to want to have sex with a man.
In fact, a lot of you guys will say, well, if this guy has money, she’s just going to want to sleep with him. But in many cases you’re probably going to be wrong. So what. What really are those four motivating factors. Now we’re going to talk about the broad categories of those motivating factors, and then give you some [00:02:00] examples on what drives a women to have sex under each one of those motivating factors.
Now, the first one. Is simply a physical motivation women have a physical motivation to want to be intimate with you. Okay. We probably had a suspicion on that one. Secondly is going to be a emotional motivation for why women get intimate with men. And the ones that maybe you’re not entirely aware of. R thirdly, women have sex with men under a relational motivation.
And I’ll unpack that one shortly here and fourthly women are motivated to have sex with men because there are social and gore goal orientated motivations. That’s the one, when I was reading, I went, what. So, what do these things mean? Those are the four broad categories on what drive the motivations for women to be physically intimate with men.
But what does it mean if a woman has a physical [00:03:00] motivation? Right? Well, of course women want to be intimate with men because it feels good. There’s the pleasure involved. There’s physical gratification. Of course, this is a no-brainer. If you’re with somebody that you love, you’re, you’re good at what you do in the bedroom.
You’re going to drive a lot of pleasure from it. So. Women, of course, they want to chase that feeling too. Now there are things like, of course the arousal that gets generated from biological factors like female hormones and our libido, which is why we’re going to notice shifts across the age groups.
But in particular, the physical motivations is sometimes just that curiosity, that desire for sexual novelty or the desire for women to want to experiment in the bedroom and try new things. And then of course, women are motivated to roll around in the sheets. That’s with you because she’s just really attracted to you. You are an attractive man that gets her going and she wants to drive a pleasure from being [00:04:00] with you. Uh, and private. Wherever you guys do your thing, right?
So this is what drives the physical motivation for women. Now, when it comes to emotional motivation and men also experienced this too, right? I’ve worked with a lot of men who are going to agree with what I’m going to share with. With you guys here under the emotional motivation. So women will also have sex with their partners and with men. Because there is a desire for emotional closeness and there’s a desire for intimacy now, often times. We feel when we’re in a relationship and maybe things are lacking or we’re not as close as we feel, we want to be.
Most people think, okay, I need to be more physically intimate in the bedroom with my partner to achieve that emotional closeness. Now I have some thoughts and theories on this and I’ve shared it in other podcasts. Um, but often times. The motivation for a woman to want to get into the bedroom and have sex with a man is because she’s [00:05:00] desiring, not just the pleasure, but she’s desiring the feeling she gets of being closer to her partner. Uh, the desire to feel more intimate with her partner.
And of course, women are going to want to do this because in many cases it can strengthen that emotional bond that they have in a relationship. And often times a respectful sex can lead to people feeling really loved and valued by their partner. And having sex can reaffirm the emotional connection that you have in your romantic relationship.
What makes a relationship. Uh, different than a romantic relationship, different from a really close friendship, right? Often it’s the physical, in many cases, it’s the physical intimacy. So. In many cases, women are driven to have sex with their partners because yes, the physical aspect, it feels good, but hugely a driving factor is because women are wanting that emotional closeness, [00:06:00] that being physically intimate. I can bring. Now, what do. Amen. Uh, or how do women feel motivated to have sex relationally?
What does this even mean? Well, oftentimes women are. Using sex as a tool. Now this is my thought, this is not what the study says, but women can use sex as a tool. You guys know this. Right. So oftentimes women. We’ll be motivated to be sexually intimate with you because they believe it’s going to enhance the stability in the relationship she has with you.
Or it might be a tool to help resolve. Conflict. Right. Sometimes the motivation is because we think, okay, I want to strengthen my relationship with my partner. And I can do that through sexual connection. So I also think about as I, as I talk through this with you guys right now, there are a lot of. [00:07:00] Women.
And this also is dependent on an individual’s love language that really value physical touch. And so there are some women out there that are going to crave physical intimacy more with their male partners, because that is how they experience love and safety and connection in the relationship. Now, there are a lot of women out there, and I know you guys know this that do not have physical touch as their top love language.
So they’re less likely in my opinion. To use sex as a tool to you. You know, too. Strengthen the relationship they’re going to, uh, do other things, acts of service are going to say nice things. Do you either want to have nice experiences with you before they’re going to use sex as a tool to. Uh, enhance the strength of their relationships.
So this kind of begs the question guys, like if you have a very strong desire for physical touch, It’s really important when you’re out there dating to get a sense of where. Physical touch is as a priority for the woman you [00:08:00] are dating because all too often, I hear men say, you know, I’m not. I’m not getting the physical connection that I was craving.
And it’s not just about sex. It’s often about the cuddling, the hand holding the cuddling, the touching, the. The scratching on the back. It’s the other things that create that physical connection, right? So it’s really important that when you’re dating, you get a sense of what the love language is and where that priority is for a woman you’re dating.
And if it’s, if your priorities are not aligned, then make sure you’re with a partner that’s open to exploring how you can meet each other’s needs. Otherwise your desire for physical intimacy is going to be really strong and hers will be low. And guess what? This is, this is the gap of disappointment, right?
And this happens all too often because we’re not really asking those tough questions. Um, and this is what I’m going to talk about. And the end of the show is why this is really important for you guys to understand female motivation. Um, because it’s going to encourage some really healthy [00:09:00] conversations that you probably are going to want to have relatively early on in your dating experience.
So back to the relational motivation. So of course, women are motivated to have sex with men because they want relationship stability. They want to resolve conflict. They want to strengthen that partnership. And often they are doing it women because they want to maintain the commitment of avoiding relational strain. Right.
If, if your needs are not being met, then. And you might leave her as a result of this or seek comfort elsewhere. Sometimes women are motivated to be intimate with you simply to maintain the commitment. Of avoiding relational strain. It’s really fascinating. What really gets people opening up in this vulnerable way?
The motivations are very broad, right? I find this fascinating. I hope you do too now. Of course women’s motivation can be, um, [00:10:00] as a tool for relationship negotiation. Or in fact, managing the relationship dynamics. So sex can be a way to achieve something in the relationship other than just the physical pleasure. And physical gratification.
So women are motivated to have sex because there’s that relational motivational component. Right. The last category here is women are motivated to be physically intimate with you guys out of social and goal orientated. Motivation. What does this mean? Well, Same thing for you guys too, growing up. What about that social pressure you face from your buddies to have sex with a lot of women? Well, women feel that two women feel a lot of social pressure expectations around fulfilling a partner’s desires.
So sometimes a woman is just going to. Be intimate with you because she’s trying to fulfill your desires. And of [00:11:00] course, what about the social or goal orientated? Motivation of. Having a family. Having sex with our partners because we want to have children. That is a massive motivator for a lot of women too. Now, what about things like external rewards? Sometimes having sex with our partners is because it gives us a self-esteem boost. Like, are you guys familiar with this one?
If you’re dating a woman and you have a great day and then you go home, when you have a really intimate night. I bet that next morning, that cup of coffee tastes way better. Then had you not been intimate. Cause sometimes the whole idea of feeling desired and being intimate with someone that we are getting to know or dating or in a relationship with can give us that extrinsic validation or that external reward that we’re seeking it boosts our self-esteem right. Now this one’s fascinating under social and goal orientated.
Motivation is that. [00:12:00] Sometimes we are motivated to get intimate with our partners because we’re trying to avoid negative outcomes. We’re trying to prevent relationship. Problems. So, this is not extensive. If you go and read the study, you’ll notice there’s a, quite a long list of other factors under each of the four broad categories, but you guys have learned today that there’s a physical motivation for women and emotional motivation, a relational. And even a social and goal orientated, motivation as to why women. Get physically intimate with their partners.
So it’d be interesting to know as you day and you get to know somebody. What really motivates them. If you understand what motivates them. You can work nicely in your relationship because there’s always going to be conversations and compromise around how to have your needs and wants and desires met in a relationship.
In fact, the most unsexy. Thing about a relationship or the sexy [00:13:00] thing. Depending on your perspective is that when you enter into a relationship with somebody. You’re basically. Negotiating and compromising on your needs, wants and desires for the remainder of your relationship. So you want to get really good at having conversations about stuff like this.
Now I want to speak to some of the age differences. Because the study found that there are, uh, the sexual motivations and women will shift as they age. Of course, this is often going to be correlated to hormonal changes. Um, things that occur when women reach a certain age and face menopause. Uh, changes in our life circumstances.
We know that the one, one of the massive areas that takes away physical intimacy from our relationships is when stressful events are taking place. And of course, you know, personal and relationship factors. So broadly speaking in this study, it found that young women, which they categorize as 18 years old to 30 years old. Okay.
Younger women were found to have higher [00:14:00] levels of sexual motivation. Often driven by curiosity. It’s a new experience for many of them, the desire to chase pleasure, and just generally the sense of sexual novelty. Now, they also were driven and motivated these women 18 to 30 years old by external factors, such as a attraction to a partner.
And of course, Social expectations play quite a large role in shaping these younger women’s sexual motivations. So that’s for women 18 to 30. This is what the study found now. I resent this, but middle-aged women.
Someone like myself, 31 to 45 years of age. Definitely on the younger side here, guys. Um, there’s group. In the study showed a more nuanced relationship with our motivation to have sex. Okay. So although physical arousal [00:15:00] may decline for some women who are middle-aged. Motivations related to emotional connection, relationship, stability and personal fulfillment became a little more prominent for middle-aged women.
Okay. So it’s a lot about relive relationship fulfillment. Versus for the younger women, it’s a little more about social pressure and novelty and curiosity, right. Middle-aged women 31 to 45. Um, actually a lot of them reported an increase in sexual motivation due to a greater sense of self-awareness that they have about who they are and their bodies and confidence.
Okay. So getting older, isn’t all too bad, right? Now for older women, which they categorize in this study is 46 and beyond. Uh, while sexual motivation generally decreased with age in this group. Many women remained very sexually active and very motivated by [00:16:00] that intimacy and companionship. Right. The study highlighted significant role of relational and emotional factors, as well as for women who are older, a shift towards prioritizing. Quality over quantity in sexual experiences. Whatever that means to you guys.
Right. So why do you want to know this? Why do you want to know what motivates women to have sex and your problem as you listening to this? I would imagine a lot of you guys are going. Yeah. I wonder what my motivation is. Clearly. Stereotypically the world says that men are very motivated by the physical pleasure.
But as a coach, who’s worked with men for many, many years. I am very well aware that men are also very emotionally motivated to have physical closeness and intimacy with their partners. In fact, many men that I have worked with report feeling very unsatisfied in their relationship. Not because they were having. Not having sex with their partners, but because the physical [00:17:00] closeness. That just the touching, the cuddling, the hugging, the being near one another, the little squeeze as you walked past was happening less and less, and that wasn’t making them feel good. Right.
So. Why do you want to know this? Why are you listening to me? And why is this important for you? Well, obviously when you understand, um, that things like emotional connection for women is often a very, very key motivating factor. Then you can understand, and you can learn to focus on. Nurturing that emotional closeness with your partner. Which is very likely going to lead to a more fulfilling and consistent. Consistent sex life. Right.
If you’re waiting for a woman to always want to have sex, because she’s, uh, she’s acting on her desire. You may sometimes be waiting a little while, but if you understand that the emotional component is huge for women. Then, you know, if things are a little strained in the relationship or if you haven’t really been intimate in some time, [00:18:00] and you recognize that emotionally, you’re not feeling that close to your partner.
We’ll lean in here guys, because this is what’s going to get you to what you’re desiring from the relationship by working on the elements that she is also desiring chicken egg, who goes first. This is up to you guys to figure out. Now of course, understanding these motivations is going to improve your communication. Because knowing that motivations will generally shift with age, um, and with different life circumstances is really going to allow you guys to communicate more openly with your partners about what you need, about what you desire. Um, and if your motivation guys is physical, but also emotional or relational. Then you may actually end up saying to your partner, Hey, it’s been a while since we’ve been intimate together.
And I really would like to be intimate with you because it makes me feel close to you. And I love you and whatever you might be saying to her. Right. So it’s going to improve your communication. It’s going to foster mutual understanding. It’s going to reduce a lot of miscommunication and frustration because guys. The [00:19:00] Gottman Institute says that couples that talk about sex have better sex and have more sex.
So go ahead. Here’s your permission to talk about it? Now, of course, when you talk about it, when you understand it, it’s going to enhance your physical intimacy. So when you recognize that women are not just motivated by. The cologne you’re wearing or how suave your hair is and how good you’re looking and how many times you, you know, pumped iron at the gym. You’re going to be able to create more meaningful, intimate experiences, because you understand how, uh, your partner is feeling emotionally.
You understand how women are feeling secure and valued in the relationship, and this will strengthen your physical connection. And of course, all of this just plays into simply, uh, improving your long-term relationship satisfaction because maybe early on in your relationship, you don’t feel you need to address the physical intimacy because it’s happening. Consistently and you feel like it’s great, but [00:20:00] big life, stress events take place.
And you realize that that’s not happening as often. Well, if you’re not addressing it and you’re not talking about the things that are feeling unfulfilled in your relationship, then nothing is going to change about them. So I hope you guys feel a sense of confidence to talk about intimacy with your partners.
Um, this is a huge part of the work that I do with my one-on-one clients is really helping them to. Honestly recognize that their needs and wants are totally valid. And help them structure, how to have those conversations and how to communicate with their long-term partners or with women they’re dating, um, that they don’t want to commit to until they get a sense of where’s this. Woman’s willingness to talk about these things too.
So. I hope this has been a fascinating, interesting AmBisome for you guys to listen to lots of different motivating reasons for how to achieve that physical intimacy in your relationship. Uh, please drop your comments below about what you have noticed in your [00:21:00] relationships or even questions that, um, maybe I can help you out with around how to approach the subject when you’re getting to know a new woman, or maybe you’re already in a long-term relationship.
And if this is something that you’re struggling with, or you struggle to have communication on your dates or in your relationships with women about tough subjects, such as sex or money or other things. And I encourage you guys to jump on a call with me. This is what I do with my one-on-one. Clients would be my honor and privilege to get to know you and support you to, um, but please share this episode with someone who probably needs to know what motivates us women across age groups who have sex with handsome, lovely, epic dudes. Like you seeing next week.
Ciao.
