Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. Today we’re diving into three crucial behaviors that might be holding you back in your dating life. If you’re frustrated with your dating journey and not getting the results you want, this episode will help you gain self-awareness and develop healthier behaviors.
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With love,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I’m your host, Kimberly. I’m a men’s life dating and relationship coach. And today we’re going to be talking about something hugely, hugely important, which is the reasons why many of you guys honestly struggle with dating. Why you struggled to find the right woman, why you struggle within dating altogether.
Now I do a lot of videos on. Things like texting mistakes and things to be mindful of in terms of behavior. But honestly, I feel like this is one of the most important videos I can put out there because I’ve been coaching men for many years now. And when I see these behaviors that I’m going to share with you today, These types of men tend to struggle with women.
They tend to struggle to get the relationships they want. They tend to struggle to get the results they want with women. So I want you guys to stay tuned to the end of today’s podcast video, because. Truth be told if you’re noticing [00:01:00] that you’re buying into one of these three behaviors that I’m going to share with you today, or maybe you’re doing all three of them. Then take stock because when it comes to improving any area of our lives, it takes self-awareness.
And then the willingness to want to work on these things so that we can show up differently, not necessarily show up radically differently, but just show up differently so that we get different results. Because we know that if we do the same behaviors over and over again, we’re going to get the same results over and over again.
So if you’ve been dating for some time and it’s been frustrating for you, then stay tuned because I’m going. To dive into these three common things that I see with a lot of men that hold them back from finding great women and having great relationships. Now, the very first thing I want to talk about. Is having on realistic expectations. This on its own will mess up your dating experiences.
It will mess up your [00:02:00] relationships. And I know all too well because when I was dating. I had very unrealistic expectations. And when I got into relationships, I had very unrealistic expectations. And in fact, a lot of my expectations were on what others should do. And so much less on what I needed to do to be the right woman, to attract the types of partners and relationships I want to have.
So what really is unrealistic expectations in the context of dating? Well, Guys have you’re out there dating and you expect women to develop emotional attachments to you early on. You probably have unrealistic expectations. If you are expecting women to reply. To your texts within minutes, you probably have unrealistic expectations.
If you want women that are really eager to meet you multiple times a week, you might be dating with unrealistic expectations. The truth. Is [00:03:00] that the way you operate and dating and the timeline you operate within dating and the emotional attachments that you have to women early on in dating are not always going to mirror or equal those of the person you’re dating. The truth is with real dating, building, genuine connection.
Sometimes people are on different timelines. We have to understand that we have different communication skills with other people, and we want to make sure that we’re not bringing in any unrealistic expectations of what people will do for us, what they’re going to provide to us. Because when we do. We’ve got our expectations.
We have the reality of most people, and then this leaves room for a lot of disappointment also. If you guys have not checked your own expectations or really had great role models around you, of what healthy dating interactions look like, or what healthy relationships look like, then this might be playing a role into why you are expecting particular [00:04:00] behaviors, because maybe that’s, what’s been modeled to you.
Maybe that’s what you’ve seen. Maybe you’re relying too much on Disney movies or Hollywood to give you a sense of what dating and romance should look like. That stuff is fake. It’s not real. And so it’s really important to kind of check yourself. Self before you get into the dating space to understand, Hey, what am I expecting from people?
And is this reasonable, realistic? And is it fair if you don’t check your expectations? Right. What you’re going to do is you’re going to create unnecessary pressure for the woman that you’re dating. She is going to feel like she is being rushed or that she simply just can’t meet your expectations. And what she’s going to do is she’s going to exit stage left.
She’s going to say, look, this isn’t the right fit for me. Hey, this guy wants more than I can give him. Or wow. This guy is really maybe demanding or he wants from me something. I simply can’t provide. All of this is going to contribute to her feeling. Feeling validated and more certain that she’s not the right woman for you.
And you’re simply [00:05:00] not the right guy for her. I could talk a lot longer on healthy. Expectations or what healthy standards should be in dating. And in fact, maybe this will inform another series of YouTube videos, but guys, make sure you understand. What expectations are you actually bringing into dating?
What expectations are you bringing into online, dating, texting, how often you see people. And honestly, going back to my very first point, what kind of expectations do you have about the emotional attachment that a woman should have towards you early on in the dating process? So even if you’re quick to attach or a bit of an anxious data, maybe you have really strong feelings.
If you’re dating a woman who is more securely attached, it’s going to take. Take her a little longer to develop the feelings or even get to where you are. So make sure. You have a reasonable expectations otherwise. This point alone will cause you a series of failed dating experiences, a series of [00:06:00] frustrations.
And if you are lucky to find a woman that commits to you, even though you have unrealistic expectations, this isn’t going to just disappear once you’re in that committed relationship. You need to also have realistic expectations of that committed relationship. So communication around time, around emotions, so on and so forth. Secondly.
Common. Behavior that really stunned skies when it comes to dating, this would do the exact same thing to women here as well is a lot of overeagerness and this kind of relentless or constant pursuit now. When you develop strong feelings for a woman, it is totally fair and totally natural to want to spend time with her.
In fact, when we fall for someone and we feel strong feelings, we’re releasing a lot of hormones and chemicals in our brain that make us feel addicted to this person. Right. So you’re going to want to sit bend time with her. You’re going to want to stay in contact with her, but there is very much a fine line between [00:07:00] showing interest and being overly eager.
So if you get into behaviors like texting too much or asking her out repeatedly or too often, or really just kind of assuming that you can monopolize her time, it will make you seem desperate. And this will make a woman feel smothered, even if you’re a good guy, even. Even if you have great intentions here, women are generally as a blanket rule going to pull away from men when they feel that he is coming on too strong, because one of the first things that women will pull away from is pressure to perform. Or thinking the Hey, like this guy feels unsafe because he, you know, he isn’t picking up the cues that I’m giving him.
It can create. What’s called a power imbalance where she’s actually going to feel a little overwhelmed or maybe trapped in the dynamic. Now I want to speak to this because I hadn’t experienced many, many years ago before I met my current partner where there was a man that was very [00:08:00] interested in me.
And I knew right from the get go that this was not someone I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. With, but he continued to pursue, he continued to show his eagerness and I actually started to get to a point where I felt so uncomfortable because I didn’t quite trust his intentions. So I felt trapped in this dynamic where. I behaved politely towards him. But I was actually afraid of what this individual would do.
If I told him I didn’t want something that if I told him that I wasn’t interested in hearing from him. I actually got to a point. This was earlier in my life. Now I have a little bit more of an assertiveness or courageous side to me, but many women. Feel trapped in power dynamics, where if a guy is showing interest, they don’t know how to say no.
So women are very different from men when it comes to our communication [00:09:00] style, how we are, uh, raise our social norms, just the natural strengths that we have, and women are not very good at being direct communicators. Okay. If you want to learn more about this, I recommend checking out my audio masterclass, where I talk about 10 tips for talking and texting with women.
And I really. Speak to the differences between male and female communication. But what happens here is if a guy is really eager, And a woman is a little overwhelmed. She may not know how to say. No, I don’t want to speak to anymore. Please leave me alone. She won’t know how to address it directly. So what she’s going to do is she might. You know, give you one word answers or ghost you, or just kind of try and disappear or do things to create distance between the two of you.
Because she’s trying to create space to say states to stay safe, but she doesn’t really know how to tell it to you directly. So she might actually feel a little, uh, threatened that if she, in fact does reject you, you’re going to continue to chase her [00:10:00] harder. And that’s not a position that she wants to be in, which is really what leads into my third point here, guys. Which is a common mistake that men make when they face frustration in dating or they face projection or they face mixed signals from a woman is in fact they get passive aggressive or they are quick to dismiss her.
So maybe you’re going are really like her. And she’s been showing me great signs. And now I’ve gotten a little overeager and maybe I’ve spooked her, or she doesn’t seem to know how to communicate that she’s not interested in me. So I’ve now. I tried harder. I’ve spent more money. I’ve done all these things for her to then just turn around and say, Hey, I’m not interested or, or delete me or block me or something that has now offended you as an individual. Well, what happens is a lot of guys that I’ve worked with and I know they get a little bit passive aggressive.
So after you’ve shown all this initial enthusiasm, if you’re [00:11:00] not getting the response or the emotional buy-in from a woman, because maybe your expectations are not correct. Maybe you’re the kind of guy that gets a little passive aggressive. Maybe you start making snarky comments towards her, or maybe you start engaging in behaviors.
Like I’m going to take a little longer to reply, to kind of punish her. Or I’m going to show these signs of irritation towards her, or I’m going to send her a text in the middle of the night that says, Hey, actually, I don’t really think you’re a good person after all or things like that, where we allow our emotions to get the better of us.
We start sending messages or behave in a certain way that is trying to demonstrate the fact that we are in fact, really hurt. Okay, passive aggressiveness is something I know all too well. I used to be very passive aggressive in my prior relationships. And it was because I didn’t have the understanding, the education, the know how the skills, the tools to address conflict directly, or to talk to someone [00:12:00] about what my needs, desires and wants were.
So when those were not being met, right when my expectations were not being met, guess what I did, I became passive aggressive. I was critical. I was snarky. I sent messages that. We’re really hurtful. And so I know all too well that this happens very commonly to even good people. When we are dating, when we are hurt, when our expectations are not being met and we are emotionally let down, you do not want to fall into the trap of becoming passive aggressive. Or being dismissive of people, people are not there in the dating world or in relationships to serve you and all your needs and wants and desires.
All healthy relationships require a good compromise and they require honest open communication now. Yes, of course, women need to be better at being more direct and more clear with men. So you guys aren’t left feeling confused or wondering or worried. Absolutely. I call women out all the time for how they communicate when it comes to dating and in their relationships.
But if [00:13:00] you guys are falling into this behavior becoming short or passive aggressive, It is no wonder you are struggling with dating. You’re not creating safety for women, which is a biological and fundamental need women have for wanting to connect and get into relationships with you. It’s going to cause women to get repelled by you and all this energy and niceness that you might’ve been giving early on is quickly diminished by that passive aggressive message you sent that honestly blows the whole thing. Um, so it’s really important that you have emotional regulation and know how to check your emotions and dating, which goes back to making sure you have the appropriate expectations for dating in the first place.
Friends and family are going to give you advice on how to date successfully, but honestly, sometimes you need to really understand what works for you and make sure you’re not just taking blanket statements and projections for other people [00:14:00] that are in your life that care. For you that don’t want to see you hurt and might say the things that they think you need to hear or want to hear versus what you actually need to hear, which is check your expectations, check your emotions, and check your behavior.
So. When it comes to dating, of course, guys, you need to manage your expectations. You got to keep that eagerness in check and really remind yourself that it takes time to genuinely get to know somebody. So excitement and eagerness is great. But you just don’t know enough about a person early on in the dating space to really know if they’re the one for you, longterm, slow things down, find ways to feel safe in your own body so that you can really attract great women to you.
And you don’t let yourself down when it comes to dating, because it’s very easy to start building up piles and piles of resentment towards women altogether for not giving you what you want when in fact your expectations in the first place. Maybe we’re a little unhealthy or [00:15:00] needed to be checked. So. Address, any frustrations that you have directly and calmly? With women you’re dating rather than letting these things build up, getting irritated and then having passive aggressive tendencies that. Really are going to cause you to have a repeated series of failed experiences dating.
So guys, I hope this has been really helpful. This is a really important video. I think for a lot of people out there when it comes to our expectations and our heightened emotions, and then the way we behave when things aren’t going well, if you don’t have your emotions in check, if you don’t know appropriate ways to communicate or share frustrations, Then this is something I really encourage you to work on because it will be the biggest blocker to your dating success.
So please share this with someone that needs to hear this. Um, women or men can benefit from this video. And of course, I look forward to bringing you guys more great content next week. Take care for now. Ciao.
