Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. Today we’re exploring why women might pull away from good men and relationships. Whether you’re new to a relationship or years in, this can be confusing and painful. In this episode, we’ll dive into recognizing why women pull away, addressing avoidant behaviors, such as withdrawing from serious conversations and prioritizing independence. Learn what you can do and when it’s time to walk away.
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With love,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the self competence project. I’m your host, Kimberly and in today’s podcast video, we’re going to be talking about why women pull away from good men. Now, maybe you’ve had this experience in the early stages of dating, where you get to know a great woman, things feel like they’re really connecting and she’s pulling away from you and you’re going, what the heck is going on? Or maybe you’re actually months or years into a relationship with a woman and she’s pulling away more prominently now.
And you’re asking yourself, What is going on, that’s causing this behavior. What am I doing wrong? Or what’s the experience she’s having. That’s causing her to distance herself from what might’ve felt to you like a really great solid relationship or a great, solid new dating experience with a woman that you’re really into that you have a great connection with.
So. That’s what I’m going to be addressing in today’s video. And we talking about what’s actually going [00:01:00] on and some signs that women give off to men when they are starting to pull away. So you’re going to want to be mindful of these. I want to talk about what you can do about it. If you’re noticing this, so you don’t burn the whole shit down. And then I also really want to address when you guys need to be walking away from a woman who simply isn’t right for you.
One of the things I talk about really often in my coaching with men who are looking for support in dating on relationships is when to lean into the right relationships. And when to lean out of the wrong ones, because the wrong woman guys is going to waste your precious. Time. So what is happening when women start to pull away from men and pull away from good relationships.
Now I’m not talking about women that get the egg or women not, you know, are pulling away because you’re being really needy or something [00:02:00] toxic has happening within the relationship. What I’m really talking about in today’s video is when women start to pull away from a good thing from a good relationship, from a healthy dynamic, where you. You might think your emotional connection is strong or your sex life is great.
Are you having fun or, you know, each other’s friends and family, or you’re now starting to think about, you know, your actual longevity together, your life plans, maybe marriage, maybe starting a family. Things are good. Now she’s starting to pull away. So this is why. Uh, I’m addressing this particular situation in today’s video, not when a woman pulls away because you don’t know each other. You know, things are awkward or tense between you.
That is not what we’re talking about today. What I really want you guys to understand, and today’s video is the signs that a woman is going to give when she’s pulling away from something that is good. That is healthy. That has strong connection. So, what might be happening [00:03:00] here is what’s called avoidant attachment.
Now I have a previous YouTube video where I dive into attachment theory. I have a podcast from before I started going on YouTube, that talk all about attachment theory. So if you have no idea, what attachment theory is, I recommend going back. And listening to those earlier episodes, but typically when. Our relationship has a healthy dynamic. And then a woman starts to pull away.
This can be a sign of avoidant attachment. Now this is an attachment. Uh, type that refers to. A woman or a guy who tends to distance themselves emotionally. Especially when a great deal of intimacy and commitment. Is involved now, women in particular that have avoidant tendencies are women that probably grew up in environments where their emotional needs just [00:04:00] were not met by their parents, their primary caregiver, or these women or men were kind of taught to suppress their feelings. Feelings are bad.
We got to hide these things. I don’t know how to actually address them. So when we get into adulthood and into our dating and relationships, These attachment theories do not serve us very well at all. In fact, they might’ve been good strategies when we were younger or little to kind of protect ourselves.
But when it comes to being a good old adult in 2024, This stuff. Uh, negatively impacts our dating and relationship experiences. So as, uh, these avoidant attachment individuals, you know, grow up, they tend to become very self-reliant. And more often than not women with avoidant attachment are going to really struggle with. Deep parts of vulnerability.
Now you have to understand what vulnerability is to understand how someone struggles with that. Because a lot of us think that [00:05:00] vulnerability is just, you know, sharing all of my embarrassing moments that I’ve had, uh, growing up or kind of, you know, telling people, silly things you. You know, deep, dark secrets about our childhood.
Now that’s, that’s a part of vulnerability. We open up to our life experiences, but vulnerability is also. Stating what we need, what we want from our partners, what we dislike. What’s frustrating us, where we struggle. Right. And so women that tend to have avoidant attachment systems are going to struggle with true vulnerability. And it’s going to make it really challenging to form close emotional connections in romantic relationships.
Now maybe a little bit is okay for women, but a lot of it scares the crap out of them. So for example, maybe you’re a year into relationship or you’re a couple months into the relationship and things are feeling really good and really connected. As soon as for this woman, things start [00:06:00] to feel a little too real or a little too good, or like, Hey, maybe this really is the one. Then some of the polling away starts to happen. It’s a little bit of that self sabotaging nature that happens to those who have a predominantly avoidant attachment. Theory. So, how are you going to notice these behavior while if you’re dating a woman who is a little avoidant, firstly, you might not know that in the beginning.
Okay. What you are going to notice is, is over time, she’s going to start to pull away from you. When things get a little serious, right? She’s going to avoid maybe. Some of those deeper emotional discussions that come up naturally, or that you might like to have about your future together. Or she’s just going to appear to be a lot more casual with that kind of surface level connection that she has with you. She probably likes to keep her [00:07:00] independence.
So she’s not ready to move in with you. Right. Or she likes to have a separate space and she probably tends to be the type of woman that retreats, if she’s feeling pressure in the relationship or pressure from you, or she feels overwhelmed, she’s like, okay, I need to go have time on my own with my girlfriend.
See you later type thing. So. This going to show up and give you some more practical examples. She pulls away after intimacy. So maybe after you’ve had an intimate time that evening or moments of closeness, whether it can be again, an emotional conversation or a nice emotional, physical connection. She probably likes to distance herself afterwards.
Maybe she even acts a little cold or detached, which is making you think, what the heck did I do wrong here? Right. Usually you guys self reflect and self blame in these situations, even though it might have nothing to do with you. So she [00:08:00] pulls away after intimacy, either emotional or physical. She can be very uncomfortable with vulnerability, as I mentioned before.
So she’s going to shy away from really openly discussing her feelings or deeply discussing her feelings. She’s going to avoid sharing personal details about her life to you. Um, and when you try or attempt to have deeper emotional conversations, she’s probably going to deflect sometimes with humor. She might just change the subject or she just avoids answering. Maybe she even uses sensuality or playfulness or humor, flirtation. To totally change the subject without you even noticing now. It’s very likely that if she’s pulling away or things are feeling a little real for her, then she’s going to want to focus on keeping the relationship casual.
So say for example, I have a incident with a client that I’ve been working with where the woman he is dating. So he is separated. Okay. He is [00:09:00] separated. His divorce had not been finalized. It had been ongoing for years and years and years. Right. But he is very. You know, emotionally over his acts. He’s been dating this new woman for many years now. But he has only been legally separated, not legally divorced.
Well, as soon as that divorce became legal, you know, it, you know, the ink dried. She pulled back. Why. Because now there’s actually room. For that relationship to become more intense, more committed, more real. So this variable change and her feelings changed. She started to pull back. It became too real, the possibility of where they could now go in their relationship was. Open.
It was a free highway for them to drive down together. And that was too much for her. So she’s completely pulled away. So women are going to focus on keeping relationships, very casual and focus on the lighthearted fun activities, rather than [00:10:00] actually committing to serious conversations or future plans that scares the crap out of them.
It causes them to pull back. Okay. You’re also going to recognize that, uh, avoidant women will tend to. Value their independence over togetherness with you. So while everybody needs personal space, okay. We all need to have time alone to recharge, to just do our business, whatever it is. And avoidant woman is going to prioritize her independence to the point where she actually seemingly is emotionally unavailable, or she becomes uninterested in building a close, intimate bond because. There’s not enough time with you guys together or not enough time with you guys together doing real things.
She’s going to value taking care of herself, um, over taking care of that relationship. Now of course, there’s going to be the discomfort with emotional expression. You’re going to notice that these women are very, very slow to open up. Okay. [00:11:00] And it’s likely that in many cases, an avoidant woman is going to avoid conflict. Um, she’s going to avoid serious discussions with you.
Now, when problems do arise in our relationships was just common. It happens. Rather than, than her addressing them head on. She will tend to avoid those conversations. Uh, or just brush off the desire to resolve any conflict. Uh, because that’s just, it’s too vulnerable for her. It’s too emotional. So she’ll probably act more indifferent and walk away from those discussions. Uh, that have to do with your relationship future.
So these are the different signs that will be taking place in your relationship over the course of time. Sometimes very suddenly in certain instances that indicate that she is pulling away and you might be thinking, well, nothing massive really happened. We didn’t have a blow out argument. Um, all of a sudden, like she’s changing and [00:12:00] I’m not sure what is going on.
She might simply be feeling overwhelmed by where that relationship is going, or her feelings are becoming too overwhelming for her. So she is using the tactics. She knows to keep herself safe. Now, what can you do about it? If you’re with a woman that you deeply love and desire having a relationship with you might say, well, I can’t just give up completely on a woman just because she’s avoidant.
Well, no, of course not. Right. So I want to talk about a couple of things that you can do to deal with an avoidant woman. But then I am going to share with you when you need to know it’s time to walk away guys, because you can’t fix her attachment style. Um, you can only, uh, do your best to support and love and avoidant woman up until the point that maybe it simply isn’t enough for you.
So what can you do about it? If you’re dating a woman who starts to pull away emotionally and physically over time? Of course, you know, I’m going to talk about patients, patients, but patients with boundaries. So [00:13:00] it’s important to. Understand and allow an avoidant woman and give her space so that she feels comfortable.
What I mean by this? Is, you know, if you’re like, I need to talk about this every day, every hour, you got to come here and you’re kind of forcing these deeper conversations. She’s just going to completely go the opposite direction. So of course there needs to be a little bit of patience built in here. But please do not confuse this with putting your needs aside because the strategy of putting all of your needs and wants and desires aside, just to make sure she’s comfortable is unhealthy.
It’s one sided. Um, that is not going to get you there. Does relationship you desire? So a little bit of that gentle persistence. Um, in showing her that you are reliable, can be very helpful. Um, but you have to understand that change with an avoidant woman does not happen over night. Now, secondly, what you can do about it, of course, you need to be able to communicate directly without again, overwhelming a woman.
So they are [00:14:00] going to struggle with emotional conversations and understanding sometimes their own feelings. So you don’t want to push someone to open up too quickly or too much, but you do want to focus on having clear. And calm communication about your feelings. With, uh, doing your best to not make her feel cornered or criticized.
So you are going to have to get better if you want a date and avoidant woman on having calmer. Clearer communication so that she feels safe enough to open up and share more with you over time, because if she does share and you react really poorly. Her avoidant tendency is going to really stop her from ever doing that again. Now of course, you need to respect that need for space.
We all have a different, you know, value structure around time. Apart versus time together in a relationship for avoidant women, that ratio is going to be a little bit different. So it’s under. [00:15:00] You know, you have to understand that to maintain harmony with an avoidant partner, avoidant woman. You’ve got to understand her need for personal space.
Now this does not mean she’s uninterested in you. Right. Avoid it. Woman can love you deeply. It’s just how she processes relationships. So she might need that weekend to just. Be with her own thoughts, be with herself. So you need to be able to give her space when it’s needed. You know, and remain open and present.
And I’m going to talk a little bit more on this. Uh, and a couple of minutes here. Now, of course we need to work on building trust. Gradually in a relationship. Trust is crucial. You gotta be able to show consistent consistency through your own actions in the relationship over time, as she begins to understand and trust that you’re not pressuring her or you’re just abandoning her, um, she might become more open to a deeper connection with you. And of course. How you deal with this as, [00:16:00] also by staying secure in yourself.
So if you are dating an avoidant woman, this can really trigger a lot of insecurity in you. If you are not grounded. If you don’t have a life that you’re satisfied with, if you don’t have the proper social support around you or passions and hobbies. Um, you are going to drive yourself nuts, thinking about her and just trying to be perfect for her. Uh, and that’s not a winning strategy.
It’s a lose, lose strategy. You have to be secure and grounded in yourself to actually even be able to date and avoidant woman. You gotta maintain your own. Self-esteem your own emotional independence. Um, because guys, you cannot fix a woman’s attachment style. So you must stay focused on what you can control, which is your own wellbeing and your own mindset.
Now. When is enough enough, right? When. When do you know, deep down it is time to walk away. Despite your efforts, despite everything you’re trying to salvage to save, to hold [00:17:00] on to a good woman and a good relationship. Well, First things guys. First thing, first guys, as if her avoidance. The way she is her attachment style is really affecting your well being. If you are constantly feeling anxious. And you’re constantly feeling neglected. And you are emotionally drained by her detachment. It is probably time to reconsider the relationship.
Secondly, if she refuses to address or work on her issues.
You guys can’t fix it. If she completely rejects the idea of working on. Deeper intimacy with you. Or she just outright refuses to have healthy communication with you or dialogue. It is simply assigned. She’s just not ready for [00:18:00] a relationship at the level that you require and you need and do deserve. Thirdly, if you are noticing that you are compromising so much of yourself for her. And you’re constantly adapting to her. And you’re constantly adapting to her emotional distance and you’re sacrificing your own needs and you’re sacrificing your need for closeness and connection.
Then you might just end up losing sight of what you really want in a relationship because you think you need to have it with this particular person. Relationships have to be reciprocal. They do not exist in healthy contacts. If they are one sided. And lastly guys, when you should walk away from a woman who’s pulling away and is avoidant. Is if the relationship just feels super stagnant. It’s completely lacking any progress.
If over time there’s no growth, there’s no [00:19:00] sign of deeper or growing connections. Despite all of the things you’re trying in your patients, it might just be time to walk away because healthy relationships require both of you. Uh, to contribute to the emotional intimacy. It can’t just be one person’s job.
So knowing when to stay. And to fight and to try and to be patient. And knowing when to walk away from an avoidant partner is essential guys to preserving your peace, your emotional health. So I want you guys to be really clear about what your boundaries are when it comes to women. Start to pull away, even when seemingly things are going really well. And if your needs are not being met, it is totally okay to move on.
It’s hard to sometimes think about starting the dating process over, but the last thing you want to do is stay in an unfulfilling relationship for 10, 15, 20 years. Where you are just trying, trying, trying, [00:20:00] and never getting your own needs desires. Uh, and wants Matt in that relationship. So guys, hopefully this episode has been really helpful for you guys that have experienced women that tend to pull away, especially in the context of what feels like a healthy relationship.
Please share this with someone. That maybe really needs to hear this or is hanging on to something that simply isn’t good for them. I’d also love to hear your thoughts and comments below. Have you experienced this? How did you deal with an avoidant woman? Um, was that relationship successful in the end or did you make that tough decision to walk away and choose yourself?
Thanks guys. See you all next week.
