In this episode of The Self-Confidence Project, I’m tackling three common myths about dating after divorce that hold men back from finding real connection. You’ll learn why playing games won’t help you build authentic relationships, why striving for perfection is a trap, and why it’s never too late to find true love. I’ll walk you through practical examples and share proven strategies to attract the right partners and create meaningful, lasting relationships. If you’re ready to take on the dating world with confidence after a breakup or divorce, this episode is a must-watch.
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With love,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I’m your host, Kimberly in the men’s life dating and relationship coach. And in today’s video, we’re going to be talking about three lies about dating after divorce that are going to keep you stuck. So if you’re watching this video and you’re separated, you’re out of a divorce or you, you know, split up with a long-term partner, so you’ve come out of a significant relationship and you’re dating again.
Then you want to make sure you’re not buying. Buying into these myths. Or these lies about what you need to do to date successfully after divorce. So I’m going to be talking about those three lies and myths in this video. I want to also share with you practical examples of how this is going to manifest in specific dating situations so that you can recognize whether or not you’re buying into these harmful beliefs. Um, and of course I want to talk about things you should be doing instead. So that you’re attracting the right types of women into your life so that you’re [00:01:00] attracting the right types of experiences all so that you can actually find the person who’s right for you and go on to have the relationship that you’re truly craving. Our relationship with respect and love and reciprocity and fun times and lots of sex and all the good things, which is why. We put so much effort into dating and relationships because we know that that prize. At the end of sometimes what feels like struggle or frustration is so worth it, right?
Having a partner that loves you, that understands you, that supports you for who you are. That is goal, right. We live longer when we have the right partners for our S by our sides. So. What are these harmful lives that you might be buying into that are going to keep you stuck? The first one? The first lie is that you need to play games to attract women. No, you don’t, you need to play games to attract women.
If you want to be the [00:02:00] next pickup artist, or if you want situationship after situationship, or you want to play games, if you still feel you’re emotionally immature, honestly, playing games is one of the worst strategies to attract people into your life because you’re doing it from a place of, in authenticity in sincerity.
So what does that mean? Like attracts, like. If you want to go out there and play games and, and put on a particular persona, that’s not really you. Well, what do you think you’re going to be attracting into your life? Probably not what you’re truly after. So you definitely don’t have to play games to attract women now. What does this actually look like in a practical sense?
Right. If you’re thinking, okay, well, am I playing games? I don’t know. You tell me cam. Okay. First of all, first of all, if you are doing things like delaying your text responses to a woman, because you think that you need to. Wait four to six hours or wait the exact amount of time. That she did [00:03:00] to then respond to her.
Right? So now you’re already in a game playing mindset where you’re thinking about how can I do this in a specific way to try and get the result that I want. Right? So if you’re avoiding, uh, or waiting too long to text a woman, This is actually going to get misinterpreted. You might think that all she’s going to think that I’m a high value guy.
I’m really busy. I’ve lots going on in my life. I’m playing hard to get wrong for a woman that is actually emotionally mature. She’s going to see this as. Disinterest. And she’s probably going to pick up on that game, playing vibe. So she’s not going to stick around and what’s going to happen here is you think that giving off these signals is what’s attractive when in reality, Consistency is what builds trust and attraction. So, if you’re all over the place with texts, this isn’t really a good thing.
So the truth is if you get a message from a woman and [00:04:00] you happen to be able to respond right then and there, then do that. Don’t wait and stress yourself out and overthink for a day or four hours or six hours or whatever you think is appropriate before replying to her, this is silly. This is just going to cause a lot of stress and frustration and dating respond when you’re able. Um, but also make sure you got stuff going on in your life outside of just dating.
So you’re not creating a lot of anxiety in a part of your life. Um, that should just be an enjoyable part amongst all the other things that are going on time with friends, time with family working out, taking care of yourself, et cetera. How else, how else is this game playing, going to show up practically in your dating experience?
Well, it comes through with this whole idea that, well, I need to act a little disinterested. Or, um, not, not be overly enthusiastic or too excited in our conversation or on a date. I see this one all the time with my clients. Right. They go, well, I don’t want to say [00:05:00] something like that because, well, that might be how I’m feeling.
But if I tell her that I really like her, I tell her that she’s beautiful, or I tell her I’m excited to meet her. She’s going to think I’m weird and needy and clingy, that’s not what’s going to happen. Right. So guys, you think that you need to act disinterested or, um, you know, like not give her too much attention, but the truth is. Then she’s not actually going to think.
You’re very interested. So you want to engage genuinely. You want to make a woman feel like she’s really special and that you are excited to talk to her. Otherwise, what’s going to keep her in that conversation. Right. If you’re inconsistent with your communication, and now you’re actually acting disinterested on a date because you think these are the tactics that make a woman attracted to you and emotionally mature woman.
It’s just going to think you’re really inconsistent and not interested in her. And she’s not gonna spend any time getting to know you. So instead of playing it cool or trying to put on this particular persona as if you [00:06:00] don’t care, if she’s interested in you or not be a lot more genuine, tell her that you are excited.
If you’re in fact excited to get to know her, because those are the things that actually makes a woman feel desired and feel special. Okay. What’s another practical example of playing games. Well, it could be overthinking every single interaction and texts and piece of communication you have with her, because you think that, uh, you have to craft your responses or messages in a very certain way to keep up this particular persona.
This guy who’s cool and calm and disinterested and has so much going on in his life that he doesn’t care if she responds or not. While a little bit of that is important to embody because you. I don’t want to be overly invested in someone that you’re only just getting to know the truth is honest responses. Eliminating these unnecessary filters. Uh, and recrafting and rethinking messages is actually going to just help you be a lot more genuine. [00:07:00] Versus constantly. Expending energy, trying to be something that you are not now, none of this is speaking to whether you have severe anxiety. Uh, or you are crippled by, you know, the emotions you haven’t healed from a prior relationship. Uh, you shouldn’t be dating if you’re not really content with your life. Or you don’t have good support around you because what happens is if we’re bringing in a whole bunch of anxiety into dating, we aren’t going to be behaving genuinely or authentically anyways.
So you don’t need to time your responses. You don’t need to pretend you’re disinterested in her or not show enthusiasm. And you certainly don’t need to overthink every single interaction in order to attract the woman of your dreams. That’s just a lot of energy doing a bunch of dumb shit. It actually is going to portray you as. As a more emotionally immature individual than a guy who is okay to let a woman know that he had a great time with her or a guy that is [00:08:00] absolutely happy to let a woman know that she’s beautiful and that he’s very interested in continuing to pursue getting to know her.
Um, and that can respond in a consistent fashion. That’s the kind of stuff that women are actually looking for, not the game playing route. Now, second lie that you guys do not want to be buying. Buying into that many men do is that you have to be perfect to be desirable. You do not have to be perfect to be desirable.
In fact, any man that thinks he’s perfect or any woman that thinks she’s perfect. Needs to be reassessed because nobody is perfect. So instead of trying to be perfect, instead of feeling like you need to be perfect to be desirable. Uh, understanding that being a work in progress can actually be quite appealing and is a little bit more relatable.
So how does this show up practically? Right. So if you’re thinking, am I buying into this a little bit? Well, firstly, you might, uh, you might be avoiding talking about your [00:09:00] divorce on a date because you think that. Um, she won’t understand, or she think that maybe you’re dating before you should, or if you talk about the fact that you have been divorced, maybe she’s going to judge you based on that, or think that, you know, you’re just a guy that can’t hold down relationships.
So you decide, okay, well, I can’t share this vulnerability about the fact that I’m divorced, I’m going to hide it. But in reality, it’s probably going to come out at some point in time. And she’s going to wonder why you didn’t mention it early on and why you kept this a secret and probably you’re keeping it a secret. Because of shame, right?
So it’s going to pop out later on in the process and hurt you more down the road than you actually sharing your story a little bit. Right. As a learning journey to build trust with this person. So you can say things like, yeah, I am divorced and, um, you know, it was lots of good parts in that relationship.
Lots of parts that needed to be worked on. Uh, I’m definitely a work in progress, right. That little bit of vulnerability is so humbling. [00:10:00] It’s so natural. Uh, it shows that, you know, you’re not afraid to admit that you’re not a perfect human being and it’s so much more relatable guys. It’s so much more relatable.
So don’t avoid the divorce talk.
However, don’t go into long stories about all the details of your divorce, because that is oversharing. So you can mention that you’ve been divorced. You can have a comment or two about that experience. But getting to know a new woman doesn’t mean that you’re outpouring all the details of what led to your specific divorce and how awful your ex wife was.
Like, none of that is going to do you any favors. So don’t avoid the divorce talk, but don’t make it the subject of conversation. You don’t need to be perfect to be desirable. You need to be human to be desirable. Secondly, Guys divorce is financially tough on a lot of you. And sometimes that might leave you in a position that isn’t as good as when you were in that marriage.
And maybe you have a little shame and guilt around that. So you might. Try and [00:11:00] hide that fact by overcompensating financially. So you might think, okay, well, I have to have all my shit together financially as well. Otherwise these women, aren’t going to be interested in me. Well, if you search. To take women out on lavish dates or overextend yourself financially, trying to maybe hide the reality of your situation will all you’re going to end up doing is attracting women who are interested in you for the wrong reasons, right.
That they’re going to be interested in what you can provide them and this financial status you’re trying to demonstrate versus. Uh, actually focusing on meaningful dates rather than grand gestures, grand gestures. Attract. Interesting women. Simple enjoyable, heartfelt personable dates. Are so much more meaningful for women who are looking for genuine connections versus. No time getting to know you, but lots of flowers sent to her door.
Women [00:12:00] say that that’s the most amazing thing, and they’re going to float it all over social media about how great it is to get a dozen roses. But honestly, Time with someone that you adore and get to know and build a connection with is so much more important than a bunch of superficial things. So don’t try and overcompensate, financially, guys, you don’t need to do this.
You don’t need to pretend you’re something you’re not, I know there’s going to be a lot of comments about how women are simply just attracted to money. If that’s what you want to believe, that’s the experience you’re going to have in your life. But I guarantee you, women are attracted to a heck of a lot more than just your wallet. But honestly, How many billionaires have gotten divorced all of them.
Okay. So maybe there is some evidence out there. That, uh, women don’t just stay with men because of their money. And yes, of course. You’re going to argue that they’re getting half of that in the divorce. Um, so look, welcome all of your comments here about that. You’re going to believe what you’re going to believe, but I’m going to tell you that there are great women out [00:13:00] there that are interested in a heck of a lot more. Uh, than the financial dollars and a man’s bank account.
Good women anyways. No. He don’t have to be perfect to be desirable, right? If you are pretending to be more emotionally stable than you actually are. Um, that’s also not a good luck because it’s not honest. It’s not real. Now. I’m not saying that you guys need to use your new dates as a sounding board or your new counselor or therapist and outpour all of the distress that’s going on in your life.
Definitely not a good look. But I really do want you to embrace being a work in progress. We’re always going to be a work in progress. Honesty invites way deeper conversations than pretending that you’re totally fine about everything. Stuff. Experiences divorces breakups. They change us. They make us different people.
They impact us in different ways. And so when you’re out there dating, let’s say you’re on a date with a woman. And she says, Hey, have you ever [00:14:00] been married before? And then you don’t want to tell her because you want to avoid that conversation. And you’re pretending to take her out to a nice restaurant that you can afford that you really can’t.
And that you’re pretending to be totally emotionally stoic, but you’re not. This isn’t going to last, that’s a lot of fronts for you to be putting up. When in fact you can say, yeah, I am divorced. And it was really unfortunate situation. I think that we grew apart and I’ve learned a lot about myself.
And honestly, like, I’d prefer getting to know you more casually versus in these crowded noisy restaurants, because I really want to get to know who you are and really curious about who you are as an individual. And I’m very drawn to your energy and I’m very attracted to you. And no, I don’t have it all figured out and no, I’m not. Perfect in my life.
At this point, I’m a work in progress. I want to continue learning about myself and be better so that I can make the next relationship. The one that does stick that a heck of a lot more sexy than pretending to be somebody you’re not in fact that kind of raw honesty without it being overshared, [00:15:00] um, is so attractive.
Women are really drawn to that. Now, the last lie that you guys lost, Matt, that you guys don’t want to fall into. If you’re dating. Dating after a long-term relationship or divorce or separation, is that. You’ve missed your chance at true love. That is not the truth. You’ve not missed your chance at true love.
True connection does not have an expiration date. And in fact, Uh, prior relationship could have been true love for you for a period in time. And now you’re out there you’re completely changed person, or hopefully you are changing as you grow and evolve. And that true connections don’t have expiration dates.
Right. So how does this practically show up with dating? Well, You might just start to assume that your age is going to be a deal breaker, right? Oh, I’m older. You know, women are not going to be attracted to me. Uh, you might have all these self-limited beliefs about where you are in your life, because yeah, you might be 40 in divorce.
You might be 50 in divorce. You might be [00:16:00] you’re in your late sixties and divorce. And you’re thinking, well, I’ve missed that chance at true love. And that’s only true if you believe it to be true. So I want you to embrace your age, embrace your life experience because you probably have a lot more wisdom, or I hope you have a lot more wisdom at this point in your life.
And that could be really attractive to women. Being calm and content about where you are in your life. Right is really attractive. You don’t have to have it all together. As I said, you don’t have to be perfect. But you have to be okay with who you are. And when you’re okay with who you are, women are really attracted to that.
They’re really drawn to that. We want men that are grounded. That are okay with who they are that aren’t going to let their age or their body type or where they’re at financially, be what stands in the way of forming a great relationship. So don’t make that mistake now. Secondly, Don’t [00:17:00] practically. I don’t.
Okay. The practical example here is where you avoid. Any form of modern dating, because maybe you think you’re older and you can’t do the online dating thing and you think, well, maybe I’m too old to approach women in the street. Or. Uh, I’ve just, you know, he’s just buying into this belief that you’ve missed your chance, right?
So you avoid. How people are dating today because you think it’s just not going to work for you. Well, honestly you need to combine to online and in person dating so that you can increase the chances of you meeting a special person for you. So yes, you can approach women in the street. You can approach women in public places.
I have lots of other videos and content on this because it seems to be a real sticking point for a lot of us. We think we can’t do those things. So we don’t do these things. And then what do we do? We sit at home and we don’t do any of those things that we. Need to do in order to attract and meet great people into our lives.
So you don’t want to avoid the modern [00:18:00] dating conundrum. That is 2024. You want to embrace it and use it in an authentic way. Um, because there are great relationships that are formed online. It happens all the time, every single day. Right. And there are great relationships that happen from approaches in the street.
One of the. One wonderful story. Um, that I have about a full on cold approach that has turned into a glorious, loving relationship was actually one of my mom’s friends was single she’s divorced, and she was walking down. Um, white rock beach. Okay. Here in British Columbia, Canada, beautiful beach. And she was approached by a gentleman on the street asked you was walking.
We weren’t even in a venue together. He stopped her in the street to, I’m not even sure exactly what he said, but he introduced himself. He paid her a compliment. And now they’re happily living together and married from a cold approach where they had no mutual connection. They weren’t even in [00:19:00] a mutual event together.
There was no reason to bring them. Together, other than the universe conspired for these two people to meet, he thought she was wonderful. She then thought he was wonderful and there they go. A cold approach that has turned into a deeply loving relationship. Now there’s people that meet online as well.
So I don’t want you to avoid. Certain avenues of dating and approaching women because you think it’s just not right for you or, Hey, I just missed my chance at true love. So I’m just going to give up on it all. Even though deep down, you’re secretly really desiring that person for you. And the last thing you don’t want to do, right, is you don’t want to be comparing to past relationships.
You don’t want to use your prior marriage as a benchmark for everything moving forward. You’re not in that marriage for a reason. It is not the gold standard. It is not the benchmark for you anymore. So I really want you to think about approaching new. New connections with fresh eyes. And avoid past comparisons was just really hard.
And you might think, oh, well, You know, I need the opposite of the personality of my [00:20:00] previous partner, or I need. I need a similar look, but opposite personality or everything seems to be benchmarked and compared to a past relationship. So past relationship you want to learn from it. You want to grow from it, but a new relationship is going to look completely new.
The person might look totally different. They might have a very different personality, very different background. You want to stay open to it and don’t fall into this stigma that you have a very particular type and you have all of these requirements and it gets so messy and nodded off in terms of what you’re looking for, that you just don’t. Don’t ever find that because just making stuff up, right.
Approach dating with a full, fully fresh set of eyes, um, avoid those past comparisons guys. And you’re going to have a lot more success when you are dating after divorce. So none of this, miss my chance at love, none of this, I’ve got to be perfect to be desirable. And none of this, I got to play games to attract women.
None of those strategies are going to help you out. In fact, you want to do the absolute opposite. You want to be your authentic, [00:21:00] genuine self that is coming from a grounded, realistic place. You want to recognize that nobody is after perfection and a little bit of, Hey, I’m a work in progress can be really humble. And really invite trust and be quite attractive to women, um, and understand that you haven’t missed your chance at love.
There are a lot of different ways to meet amazing people. If you put in the effort to get out there and do it in the right way. So guys, I hope this content has been helpful for you. Please share it with someone that you need this reminder that they don’t want to be buying into these harmful lies and beliefs of dating after divorce or separation or long-term relationship.
Uh, I really invite you guys to comment below on what your experience has been, whether you’re in your late thirties. Thirties, forties, 50 sixties dating again after divorce. What, what roadblocks are you coming up against? What are you guys feeling is the most frustrating aspect of dating? Um, for those of you that have found success or finding success, share some advice for, for other men that are out there [00:22:00] dating, let’s make this an amazing community, uh, where people can get genuine, heartfelt dating advice. Um, because I really want you guys to track the most amazing partner for you and to have fun when you’re out there dating.
Okay. Talk to you guys next week. Ciao.
