Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. Today, we’re delving into why you might be attracting the wrong women or finding yourself in repetitive, unfulfilling relationships. As a dating and relationship coach for men, I’ll share insights on recognizing and breaking these patterns. We’ll also discuss the importance of self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and taking accountability in your dating life. If you’re struggling in this area, this episode will provide actionable steps to help you attract meaningful relationships.
If you’re dating after divorce, separation or a long-term split, and want support navigating dating with clarity and confidence, then let’s have a chat. Apply to work with me here: https://calendly.com/d/g6n-fjw-3qw
or watch my free training here: https://dating.kimberlyninahill.com/home
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I’m your host, Kimberly. And we’re going to be talking about. Why you keep attracting the wrong women? Or you feel like you have the same relationships on repeat and ultimately guys, how you can break this cycle, because if you are doing the same thing with dating, with relationships over and over again, and you’re expecting different results.
Well, then, you know, this is the definition of insanity. More hot. So what’s going on here, right? So now, if you guys don’t know, my name is Kimberly and I am a dating and relationship coach for men been doing this for some time now. And so if you are navigating modern dating after a divorce, a separation or the end of a longterm relationship, and you want some support when it comes to your confidence, you want support with online dating, you want support, which is navigating conversations with women.
You want support, which is how to feel better about the whole process in terms of your identity and confidence, and just get really aligned. So that. You can end [00:01:00] up in the relationship that is very meaningful for you, then please. I welcome you to book a consultation with me. We’ll see if we’re a good fit.
If coaching is the right kind of support that you would be needing. And, um, you know, fast track you in terms of getting the results that you want, uh, because dating can be very, very frustrating for a lot of people. And we know that it’s a means to getting to the relationship that. You want to have in and to the life partner that you want to spend, you know, your weekends with and share a glass of wine with, or have a morning coffee with, or go on your trip with.
So if you are struggling in this area, please book a call. I’d be more than happy to chat with. You. Get to know you see for the right fit. Uh, and then you can be like many of my clients who are now in relationships with women, they adore. Uh, that they respect and they’re having amazing holidays and they don’t even want to talk to Kimberly anymore because they don’t need me anymore. Okay.
So. Let’s get back to why you keep attracting the wrong women or wrong relationships on repeat how you can [00:02:00] break this cycle. Well, firstly, you’ve got to identify what is going on. So. If you’re noticing that your relationships always are feeling unbalanced, right? You’re giving more than you receive all the time, or you find that your relationships or dating experiences are always riddled with constant criticism or miscommunication, or you notice that in your prior relationships, or it seems to be what you’re repeating all the time is relationships that make you feel drained. Instead of uplifted or you just notice that you continuously are going after or attracting women who just seem to be emotionally unavailable. Right.
So firstly, we just kind of understand, like, what is the, what is the pattern in terms of your definition of wrong women or wrong relationships that is happening? Like what is it that’s making you feel like. For one that this is not the right fit for you. So I want you to reflect on that and ask yourself, oh, Why do I feel like. I’m repeating the same patterns or these women just a little distant or cold, or [00:03:00] do I tend to go for on, uh, you know, emotionally unavailable women or I’m always in relationships where I feel like I’m just doing the bulk of all of the work, right?
So what is it that gives you this indication that you’re attracting the wrong women or wrong relationships over and over again? I want you to think about that for a minute. Okay. Because why these patterns repeat? Okay. These patterns repeat. Mainly because of our subconscious attractions. Okay. Believe it or not familiarity, feel safe, even if it’s an unhealthy dynamic or unhealthy relationship.
So if you’ve come out of, let’s say a 20 year, 30 year marriage, And you recognize that it wasn’t fulfilling. Um, it was very unbalanced and you know, it didn’t uplift. You. It’s still familiar for you. Okay. So what happens when you get back out there and you date, or you see another woman or you end up in another relationship? To be [00:04:00] honest, our subconscious bosses often driving our decisions and we tend to get attracted to familiarity. Even if it’s unhealthy or unproductive.
So firstly, you want to understand what is happening. That’s making you feel like you’re attracting the wrong women and then understand that it has a lot to do with your subconscious attractions. Now in today’s video, we’re not going to dive into a big exercise to uncover your subconscious attractions.
It’s something that I do with my private one-on-one clients, but know that oftentimes it’s familiarity that can feel safe for you. Now we also repeat patterns because we just have unresolved emotional wounds. Right. So you might be attracting women. Who mirror your unmet needs from your childhood or just your past relationships.
Okay. So if you are not healing, Your wounds or your needs, then you’re going to continuously [00:05:00] attract those things until you do. We continue to attract what we don’t fix and or heal. So it’s your subconscious attractions. Familiarity feels safe. It’s your unresolved emotional wounds from your childhood or your past relationship, which is why so many of us are in therapy and need it.
It’s not uncommon for us to have emotional wounds, right? Especially in this crazy world we’re navigating. Like we all got emotional wounds. What is the severity of yours? And how’s it impacting you? And oftentimes we can make poor partner choices. Simply out of fear of loneliness. And we settle for partners or you’re settling for women who simply don’t align with your values. And all this stuff is happening on repeat guys, subconscious attractions, unresolved, emotional wounds, and this awful fear of loneliness.
It’s very visceral, very real. So we think, well, I’ll just take what I can get. Well, what you get is familiar. And it’s particularly [00:06:00] in, can be unproductive or unhealthy. So what is making you feel like you have this pattern and why is it happening? These are some of the reasons guys now, of course, when you understand this, this is about taking accountability, not blaming yourself.
Right. I really want you guys to think about, okay, don’t go, oh, shoot. You. I should know better, or, you know, I should have this or, you know, more. Negativity towards yourself. This isn’t about blame, right? This is simply about understanding your role. In choosing partners and your rule. In staying with certain partners, right. You got to take the accountability here.
It’s something that I definitely had to do. I mean, I, it was so, so tempting for me to say. Men are the problem, right? Like it might be tempting for you to say women are the problem or modern day women are the problem or divorced women on the problem or women in my town are the problem or women with this political belief or the problem.
But that’s just a very easy way to cop out [00:07:00] versus taking accountability for saying, okay, I’m actually choosing certain types of women and I’m choosing to be in certain types of relationships. So we need this accountability part. Because once you understand that you have a lot of say in this process, then you realize that you can really shift your results.
Now your energy. Gentlemen is also shaping your choices. So if you are operating in dating from very low self-esteem. Or a lot of insecurity. Then it’s likely you’re going to attract more controlling women or women who are emotionally unavailable. Okay. So when you date or when you put yourself out there from a place of low self-esteem and security. Then you start to attract what you don’t want in your life, because the energy you’re putting out is not what is conducive to attracting the right types of partners for you.
So again, it goes back to the accountability piece. This is why very often in my one-on-one coaching with men, we start with, where are you at? How you feel and [00:08:00] what’s going on in your life. How do you, do you like yourself? Do you like your body? Do you like your social network? Do you like where you are in who you are?
Because this will significantly impact how you show up in dating. Right. This cannot be overlooked. It cannot be ignored. And of course when it comes to N energies, You know, sometimes we get out there dating and we’ve starting to overvalue certain traits that women have, or you might be like, well, you know, it’s really important for me to have a super, super attractive woman.
I get it. I get it. I mean, all for attractive women being with you guys, right. But maybe you’re overemphasizing certain traits or, uh, maybe you’re overvaluing, um, you know, again, it’s usually overvaluing external factors versus the internal quality. So again, I know looks are super important for guys and I’m certainly not saying you need to drop your standards here. But you don’t want a hot woman [00:09:00] who has no emotional maturity or no kindness.
Right. You’re just going to repeat your pattern, which is really attractive. Women just don’t give you what you need. Right. So make sure you’re also focusing on the internal qualities that really matter to you in relationships like that. Emotional maturity, like a woman who values physical touch, um, and who is kind and soft and has a feminine energy and compassion, right.
Or maybe you want a woman who’s a little wild. But it’s important to not overlook those things in. And instead be focusing on the external factors. Okay. Then it comes to the role of boundaries guys. So if you were really unclear or you don’t know what boundaries are, you don’t know what your, you know, your general. Um, boundaries are with women and relationships and dating. Well, you’re going to be much more susceptible to the wrong partners, because if you are from, in terms of what you will tolerate and not tolerate. Right then, you know, [00:10:00] when to walk away from the wrong womens, let’s go back to why this pattern keeps repeating. Is that the end of the day, you’re also in control of who you’re letting into your life.
So if you continuously let in women, That are not supportive of you or don’t. You know, really, you know, show up in the way that you really want in terms of relationships. While a lot of this comes back to who you’re actually letting into your life. So it, it reads to the fact that, okay, where are your boundaries?
Because if you don’t have clear boundaries, you are just generally more susceptible guys to the wrong. Women simply put. So.
Are you ignoring things like love bombing from a woman? Are you ignoring things like lack of respect, because she’s really hot. Are you ignoring the fact that she’s emotionally inconsistent?
Just because she’s sometimes available for you, right? These are red flags that women and men often ignore in favor of, well, something feels familiar or I’m lonely and just like having someone around or, you know what, I just don’t think I’m [00:11:00] good enough for someone. And there’s probably not many eligible women out there for me.
So I’ll just take. What I can get. And now you are. Basically on repeat in terms of your patterns, right? Because we’re ignoring the red flags and there might be a lack of boundaries. So how you break this cycle guys? Well, first and foremost, obviously this is, you know, this, you know, that you need to heal yourself first that’s therapy.
That’s coaching. That’s. Multiple different mediums to help you uncover and address emotional wound wounds. Maybe it’s a men’s group. If you listen to. Last week’s interview with, um, Dr. Robert Glover men’s groups are a hugely important outlet for him to process emotions and to feel a sense of community and to heal. The traumas and the wounds that he has.
Right. So maybe that’s what it looks like for you, but we. We’ll repeat what we don’t fix. So focus on building your identity, your confidence, healing yourself, your self [00:12:00] worth, because you are going to be way better positioned. To date successfully and attract the right types of women. When you yourself are resonating at a higher frequency, when you feel better about yourself, you’re just going to make better choices because you know, you’re worth it, right.
You guys need to, you guys need to be the face of the L’Oreal commercial, you know, you’re worth it or whatever that commercial and I news-wise. Okay. So. Secondly, you guys need to define your values, define your standards. Now this is not. This is not some ridiculous wishlist of things you need to, it needs to be. Five foot. Seven and big boobs and she needs to ski and she has to be this age and she has to have great relationships with all her families and she needs to. You know, do this, not, not, not, you’re just gonna, I mean, nobody is perfect.
You’re just going to prevent yourself from being with anybody at this rate. But what you do need to do is create a list of non-negotiables. Okay, you absolutely need a woman. Who’s emotionally available, guys. [00:13:00] Otherwise, what are you doing? It’s not your job to fix her. Not especially if you’re 40, 50, 60, 70.
He ain’t got time to fix a woman’s issues. Right. So what is your list of non-negotiables? Okay. That’s a super, super important. And then again, this is, there’s a, there’s a very fundamental difference guys, between your preferences on what a woman might do in terms of her hobbies, are she likes cooking a certain kind of cuisine or she likes to travel the exact same way you do versus what do you genuinely value in a relationship? Integrity kindness. You know, um, availability, emotional maturity, not the kind of preferences that we tend to focus on.
And, uh, you know, these are the things that usually bond us in the beginning. We recognize all we have the same taste in music, guys. This is a preference it’s not a need to have. Right. Values are so much more important. So understanding what’s a preference and understand what’s a value because it’s the values that you need to define that dictate your [00:14:00] standards.
Guys, not preferences. Okay. Okay. And then we need to be shifting your approach to dating. Okay. And the number. One thing here, guys is slow down. Biggest tip I needed for myself to slow down. Assess compatibility over time. You just don’t know enough to be certain guys. You don’t know enough from her profile.
You don’t know enough from date number one. You don’t know enough from date number two or date number three, typically you need to slow down and assess capacity. And assess compatibility. Because it’s so tempting to go back to the pattern of familiarity or I found someone that’s good enough. And now I want to just get back to the routine that I had, like with my former partner, but hope that it’s better. No slow down. Pay attention to how you’re feeling in this relationship. Are you feeling safe?
Are you feeling seen, do you feel valued? Are you feeling anxious? You’re feeling unsure. You’re feeling drained. You’re feeling confused. Pay attention to your feelings, feelings, aren’t there to annoy you. Your feelings are there to help you [00:15:00] understand what is going on in the experience you’re having. Avoid falling into a fixer mindset. Okay. Stop.
We all need to do this women and man, we need to stop trying to change people to fit into our ideal definition. It just doesn’t work. It’s just so exhausting guys. So if you’re noticing you’re a fixer. V very mindful of this. Oh, I’ll accept her because I could probably change this about her or, you know, my I’m very convincing.
So, you know, over time I’ll probably convince her that she should love this as much as I do. Don’t do that guy. So we’ll fall into that trap. Right? Develop healthy boundaries, learn to say. Nope. To women who do not align with your values, even if there is a traction there, and this is very hard, right.
And practice communicating your needs without fear of rejection guys, this is. Number one skill. I think everybody needs to learn. Myself men, women. How can you communicate what’s important to you and what you need without [00:16:00] worrying about if someone’s gonna reject that, that’s you, that’s, what’s important to you and that’s what you need.
And those are your values. And if someone doesn’t like them or doesn’t respect them or doesn’t appreciate them, or it’s not open-minded to them. Are you just going to spend the rest of your life, trying to convince them that something should be as important to them as it is to you guys. We only have so many. Mark Manson, the book, the subtle art of not giving a fuck.
Okay. We only have so many apps to give, so choose them wisely. Protect your energy. So this is why you guys might be repeating the same types of relationships attracting the same types of women over and over again. This is a quick highlight to understand what is it that’s feeling familiar over and over again. Okay.
Build some self-awareness around that. And then understand that there are a lot of different reasons why patterns repeat our subconscious attractions are unresolved wounds, right? Our fear sometimes of loneliness that causes offs causes us to overlook. What’s truly important in favor of something that feels [00:17:00] comfortable or as good enough in the here and the now guys, I hope this value was a video was valuable for you.
Drop your comments below. Are you finding that you’re repeating the same things over and over again with women with. Dating with your experiences with your dates, with your conversations. Right. Please share insights here. Um, and please share this with someone who needs to see this video. Uh, as always guys.
Thanks you. Thank you very much for tuning in giving me your valuable time. Please subscribe to my channel. Please drop a comment below. Please share it with someone who needs to listen to this and look forward to seeing you guys all next week. Ciao
