Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project! Today we’re diving into three common mistakes that men often make when they start dating again after a divorce, separation, or the end of a long-term relationship. These missteps can lead to heartbreak and feelings of being stuck, so it’s crucial to understand and avoid them. Stay tuned till the end for a bonus fourth mistake that can also derail your dating journey.
If you’re a successful man with relationship experience who is frustrated with your current dating life and looking to attract the right type of woman, book a dating strategy call with me here: Book a call with Kimberly
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Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I’m your host, Kimberly. And we’re going to be talking about. The three very common mistakes that men that are dating again after divorce or separation or the end of a long-term relationship. Are making that are going to cause you to break your heart again, or just constantly feel stuck when it comes to dating.
And so I want to share with you guys what those three common mistakes are, and if you stay to the end, I’m going to share a fourth. Common mistake. Uh, just to give you guys some extra value in today’s video. Now, before I dive in, if you are dating, trying to date, feeling like dating is frustrating or this entire year has just not gone very well.
And when it comes to using dating apps, going out on dates or meeting women or things, or just, you’re not really attracting the right types of women too, and you don’t know why, and it’s really frustrating, then it might be time to work with a coach, whether that’s going to be myself or someone else. Um, you’re always in control of who you decide to let into your life. Um, but if you are curious, you’ve watched [00:01:00] my content.
You resonate. You’re going okay. Maybe it is time. To finally speak to Kimberly than I do encourage you to book a complimentary dating strategy call with me. We’re going to chat. We’re going to get to know what’s kind of holding you back and lay out a plan to help you overcome that. That is what coaches do.
We meet you where you are. We help you move forward. So you can get the results that you’re wanting in your life a lot faster than kind of sometimes. Trying on your own or making a lot of the same mistakes or making some of the mistakes I’m going to share with you in today’s video. So I do encourage you to book that call with me.
If I can help you, someone else can, or I can point you into a great direction or give you some good resources or. Uh, you might be invited to work with me in that case. We’re going to have a lot of fun. Uh, and make dating fun again, because it should be fun. And it sucks for so many people and it shouldn’t sock.
So let’s make it on sucky and make it. So much better because we need way more, better relationships out there. Um, because the modern dating landscape starting to feel a little bit dismal for a lot of you guys. So. Let’s talk about some of the common [00:02:00] mistakes that even the most highly educated man highly successful man is going to make when it comes to dating.
Okay. This is why they are common. As many of us are making these mistakes women too, by the way, they’re not excused from this. Now the first mistake that is going to keep you pretty stuck when it comes to dating again, after a relationship has ended is honestly guys just ignoring the need to heal first. Okay, I’m just going to throw it out there now. I know all the excuses because I have done this myself.
I got out of the long-term relationship. And because in my mind that relationship really had ended like a year ago and it took that long to kind of get out of it. By the time it really officially ended. I was like, I’ve already done a year healing. I’m ready to go. I’m ready to meet somebody new. No, I was not. No, I had not, I literally could have come into the world that that is how I felt, but it was true.
And this happens for so like to so many people, right? You, you recognize it in the marriage, you were in that your. [00:03:00] No longer in was over years ago or X amount of months ago, or however long before it ended, because the truth is relationships don’t just end overnight. They take a while to end. And so many of us convince ourselves that, well, during that time, I wasn’t really emotionally connected to my partner.
Wasn’t physically connected to them. I was already doing my healing. I was already learning the lessons and yeah, maybe that is true to some degree. Um, but sometimes we rush that process and king, oh, because things were over. For a while. I’m now kind of ready to go. One month post divorce or three months post divorce or whatever.
It’s an arbitrary number because healing takes different time for different people. So honestly, the truth is a big common mistake is that we ignore the need to heal first, which means that we are actually failing to unpack the lessons from that relationship. And if you’re failing to unpack the lessons from that relationship, you know what you’re going to do, you’re going to repeat, you’re going to repeat what you don’t fix.
You’re going to repeat what you don’t heal. I guarantee it happens to everybody. And [00:04:00] even if you meet a woman who’s like radically different from your X, Y for X partner. Uh, you’d be surprised patterns. They happen on repeat, despite the exterior, what you think might be characteristically different about this next person that you are now opening your heart up to.
So guys, it’s really common that we ignore the need to heal first. Um, honestly, if you have a emotional unavailability, because you have unresolved grief. You’re probably going to push away. Good partners. You’re going to make bad choices and the ones that you do let into your lives. And I know that for many guys in particular, you know, you don’t want to immediately seek therapy or immediately seek coaching or, or go get help right away.
It’s like, I totally get the desire. I’m like this myself to be like, I want to figure it out on my own. I want to kind of try on my own for a little bit and I totally get that. And you’re welcome to go try on your own. Always. You’re always welcome to make your own choice in life. But. If you’re feeling like, okay, I’m trying and things aren’t [00:05:00] working or this isn’t feeling good, or, yeah, I’m recognizing that I’m already starting to see similar patterns or you’re like many of my clients who get divorced and that date, and then fall in love and they’ll get their hearts broken and then come and hire a coach because they go. Hmm. That didn’t work out the way I thought it was going to.
Right. So honestly, there is some healing that needs to be done. We are sensitive human souls and when we have a relationship that ends. That is traumatic, breaking up with somebody. A divorce. One of the biggest life stressors out there guys. And so it’s not that we need to. Overwhelm ourselves with maybe how sad it is or how frustrating it is.
We don’t need to do that, but we do need to acknowledge that healing needs to take place. And it’s so important and it’s part of your growth and it’s going to just make you date. Better. So don’t ignore this, do some healing. Okay. There’s a lot of different ways we can talk about how you can heal. And I would love to address those in some future videos.
Now, the second mistake. That many [00:06:00] guys make when they get out there dating again. Okay. So, so, so often, and this one happens is you guys fall for like the first. Pretty and nice woman, right? I’ll say pretty and nice because you know, usually they, they go hand in hand and that’s what gets you guys really excited, but. When you’re dating and it’s like the early days of dating. It can probably feel like a bit of a lifeline.
Right. And if you’re feeling a little bit like. Okay. I am so excited to get out there and day because I’m so ready to meet somebody new. And then I’ve met this woman and she’s like, so kind, and she’s so attractive. And you know, she she’s validating me and my ex wasn’t for so long. I can getting so excited about this new, nice person that I’m a little bit blinded. To them, red flags.
Okay. So it is so easy guys to confuse kindness. With compatibility, just because a woman is pretty in kind to [00:07:00] you or says nice things to you. It doesn’t mean she’s compatible for you. Long-term. Okay. Cause if you’re eager for connection, Right. It’s very likely that you can settle for someone who simply isn’t right for you because. You’re falling for the first nice person. Right.
And this is going to expedite that heartbreak. And it’s going to make dating again after divorce still, even more discouraging. When you recognize that this now has led to more heartbreak and you recognize that there’s a lot of differences between you and this person that maybe in the very beginning of getting to know them, you thought, holy cow, this person is amazing.
They’re nothing like my ex partner. Um, but you might have forgot to check for. Composability. Right. Very important. So please don’t just fall for the first nice person. That doesn’t mean that the first person you meet might not be the right person for you. I mean, there’s no crazy rules here. You just don’t want to fall for the first nice person without really [00:08:00] understanding if you’re ready, what you’d needed to learn from your prior relationship. And make sure you’re not confused and kindness for compatibility now. The third common mistake that even the most highly educated successful men make is that they get the lip. Excited about defining the relationship to Sue.
Now, we all know that a solid, genuine, healthy, loving relationship. It takes time to build. It’s something that is built, right. You don’t just find it and it’s all perfect. You build it. You co-create this relationship. So if you’re forcing it a little too soon, You might derail that natural chemistry. Or guys, if you’re pushing for a title or you want that exclusivity. Maybe prematurely. It might make this potential woman that you’re interested in feel really pressured.
And then pressure equals avoidance. Women are going to be like, I don’t like this. Doesn’t feel [00:09:00] good. I’m getting out of here. Right. So this mindset and why this happens is because it stems from this fear of, I don’t want to be alone. Versus actually assessing readiness for commitment. So what happens is.
You had such a structure in a prior relationship, even if it wasn’t one that lasted right.
Or wasn’t. Group for you, which is why it probably ended. Right. But there’s, there’s a structure there. There’s a routine there. And when you lose that structure and routine, even being with a partner that isn’t good for you. It’s really overwhelming to not have that anymore. So it’s very tempting to want to get into a new commitment, just to kind of get back to what feels comfortable and feel safe.
And that’s that’s human nature. Right. I understand that. But he needs to be mindful of it. So you’re not pushing something too soon or too quickly, or ignoring the signs of in compatibility, um, or making decisions out [00:10:00] of fear, out of fear of being alone, rather than honestly your true readiness or true compatibility.
So you don’t want to make the mistake of rushing to a, define a relationship. Too soon now. I told you that I would also give you another little bonus common mistake that happens when we’re out there dating again, after a divorce or separation or longterm split. And that is. Comparing this new person you are dating or comparing every new person you were dating to your ex. Partner. It ain’t going to help you write idolizing or even villainizing your ex is going to hinder your ability to really connect with somebody new. And every new woman that you meet guys deserves to be seen for who they are. Not through the lens. Let’s see. Not through the lens. Of your past relationship.
Can you guys do that? Okay. Right. [00:11:00] Fresh eyes, new person, a new level of understanding, not a comparison. There’s a beautiful quote out there. I do not know the author of this quote, but as comparison is the thief of joy. This is why social media is so hard for many of us, because there’s always that forcing us to compare our lives to somebody else’s. Right.
So if you were out there dating again and you’re have this tendency to be like, thinking about this new person and then thinking about the acts and their characteristics and qualities, this is not good. Um, it’s going to lead to unfair expectations, both for you and this new person you’re getting to know.
So do not make the mistake. And this happens. Where you compare everyone to your accent, you might be like, well, I was married 10 years, 20 years. Really hard. Not to. Yep. It’s really hard. Not to. But that’s why we go back to common mistake. Number one is giving yourself time to heal and learn and enough space to figure out who you are before you date again, so that as you get to know new women, Um, you’re not trying to rush that commitment.
You’re not [00:12:00] comparing them to your ax. You’re not. You know, falling just for their niceness and attractiveness versus compatibility and doing this because you’re afraid of being alone or you’re really wanting that comfort and stability and routine that you lost. These are all normal, natural things to be feeling, which is why they’re such common mistakes.
Um, you want to be mindful of these things guys. So. Dave Dayton is not super easy. Right now a days there’s a lot of things to contend with and to deal with and to understand. But the one thing you definitely don’t want to overlook is really understanding yourself first and foremost. Like if you don’t know who you are, Um, and if you don’t understand what was lacking in that prior relationship or what was really hurting you in that prior relationship, and then kind of reverse engineering that to understand, well, what do I really need moving forward?
If you don’t know how to communicate your needs? Then you’re going to struggle in dating because it’s very important that you know who you are and you know how to communicate and you know how to assess appropriate compatibility, um, so that you [00:13:00] can go out there and really find a person that is ultimately right for you.
There is no perfect person, the person that’s right for you, that you can, co-create this loving relationship with. Okay. Which is why you guys need to have a pretty clear vision for your dating life. Right? If you jumping into dating without clarity, you don’t know. You really want, you just know what you don’t want.
That’s no good.
Right? You need to also know what you do want. Um, cause this is going to lead to a lot of inconsistent choices, a lot of chaos and frustration, um, where you’re going to, you know, attract women that really don’t align with your values and your desires. So. This is why sometimes hiring a coach or at least doing this kind of reflection or watching videos.
Like what I’m putting out there is going to be helpful for you guys. Take notes, understand yourself, right? The beginning of. Well self-understanding and self-awareness is the beginning of all wisdom. Right. And that’s a Buddha quote, right? I didn’t just make that up right. Or a variation of it anyways. Um, knowing thyself is the beginning of all [00:14:00] wisdom.
I think that’s the quote. You got to know yourself. And that’s not just, what do I like? What do I don’t like, what am I learning? What have I learned from that prior relationship? Right. Not just who am I and how would I define myself and what are my weird quirks? I was like, what am I learning? What am I actually really. Bad at.
Okay. That’s all part of growth and learning and knowing who you are. It’s not just the things you’re good at. Is honestly where you truly struggle in relationships because it takes two. People to get into a relationship, takes two people to end one. Um, and that’s not. So you can look for self-blame. But so you can look for growth opportunities for growth guys.
So hopefully this has been an insightful, helpful video for you guys, podcast, video. Um, please leave your comments below. I’d love to hear your comments. I love creating this content for you guys. I want to keep it rolling in common. So please let me know what you want to hear more of what you want to hear less of.
Um, and please share this with someone that needs this helpful reminder. So they’re not making these common [00:15:00] mistakes common, right? A lot of people are making them. I guarantee you, if you send this to somebody they’re going to go. Yeah, I’ve done that before I made that mistake myself. Um, yeah. So share the love and look forward to. Uh, talking with all you guys again next week.
