Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project! Today we’re diving into three common mistakes that men often make when they start dating again after a divorce, separation, or the end of a long-term relationship. These missteps can lead to heartbreak and feelings of being stuck, so it’s crucial to understand and avoid them. Stay tuned till the end for a bonus fourth mistake that can also derail your dating journey.
If you’re a successful man with relationship experience who is frustrated with your current dating life and looking to attract the right type of woman, book a dating strategy call with me here: Book a call with Kimberly
Check out my audio masterclass on talking to women here.
~ Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I am your host, Kimberly. I am a dating and relationship coach for men. And in today’s podcast video, I’m going to be sharing with you men in particular that are dating again, after a divorce, a separation or a significant relationship has ended. And you’re successful.
Maybe you’re successful in the corporate sphere. Maybe you are entrepreneurial successful that way. So you’re professional, you’re educated guy. I’m going to be sharing with you. Why dating might be feeling. Frustrating. On fun on enjoyable. All of the things that are bringing you to this video today. So this is what I’m going to be unpacking in today’s podcast video.
You’re going to want to say to the very end of this video, because I’m going to be sharing four reasons why this might be happening to you and maybe all four reasons you’re going to go. Oh, this, this woman understands what I’m going through or maybe two or three or even one of these reasons is going to be what might be preventing you from [00:01:00] having the kind of success you want in dating or in your relationships.
Now, before I dive in, if you were new to this YouTube channel, welcome a board, we are growing, we’re having fun. And there’s no wonder because dating and relationships are challenging. They’re complex. It’s a. It’s a wild wacky part of life that a lot of people just are struggling with or aren’t quite getting right. And it’s no wonder there is such a high divorce rate.
It’s no wonder there is a new dating out being created every month. Try and solve the problem of the former one and why so many people are seeking external support and guidance are coming to videos like this because. Dating can feel a little complicated and a little nuanced. It’s like baking a 14 tier cake, right?
If one of the elements isn’t quite working, the whole thing just falls apart and turns into mosh and that’s no fun and nobody wants to eat mushy cakes. Oh, shut up. Kimberly. You get to the content. So four reasons why it’s successful educated divorce. Men are struggling in dating. Now let’s dive into the [00:02:00] very first reading. Reason, which is. Maybe just, maybe you guys might lack of few modern dating skills. It just might be that now, what do I mean by that?
Well, If you were divorced or separated or coming out of a longterm relationship. You might be a little bit unfamiliar with platforms like Tinder or Bumble or hinder or match.com or whatever dating out. And you might be using in your local area. And you are now. Thrust into this world of swiping culture. Which by the way, it can feel very impersonal and superficial, and you might be struggling with how to present yourself on a dating app. And maybe the last time you really did anything like a dating albums when you updated your LinkedIn profile.
And that is not what you want to do when you get onto a dating app. So you might actually be. Thrust [00:03:00] into this whole new modern dating landscape and realizing, well, I actually feel a little out of touch with today’s dating scene. And I’m not really sure how to represent myself in a romantic way online. And I’m also recognizing that communication is just the weed touch, drab, drab, little bit different than maybe what you might be used to.
So perhaps you might be misinterpreting communication norms because modern dating involves a mix of texting and voice notes and phone calls. And perhaps some missteps might be taking place here. Like over texting. Or responding too quickly or misreading a casual tone for disinterest as an example. And that might be making your interactions feel confusing.
Overwhelming, just. Annoying perhaps is, is sometimes even the word that gets used. It’s like dating is annoying. Or I just like, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, or I just feel like everybody is doing it wrong. [00:04:00] Uh, so sometimes what happens when we get out there and we date again, and we recognize that, okay, dating apps are totally different. Communication norms have shifted and sometimes it feels really difficult to initiate conversations. Because you might not be used to it, especially if you were w you know, In a marriage for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years.
It’s like, well, when’s the last time you had to use the opening line on a woman. So something that might’ve worked for you in the past might feel outdated, or it might feel awkward in today’s fast paced, kind of digital first environment. And it might just be that. Some of the reason why you’re feeling a little stuck and struggling in dating.
It’s not because you’re not intelligent or not successful. It’s because modern dating has changed and you have a lot to catch up on here. Now here’s an example, right? I had a client of mine that created a hinge pro. Profile and he’s very successful guy. And he kind of like listed his accolades first and his, uh, profile.
Right. So, you know, lawyer. [00:05:00] Fancy this fancy that, and that’s because essentially that’s a lot of his identity is what he does for a living. And the mistake that he was making was that his profile didn’t include anything personal or nothing. Really. In fact, that was relatable. His photos were quite formal.
Like they come from LinkedIn. And he actually just appeared a little bit. Intimidating, but also a dab of on approachability. Is that a word he wasn’t very approachable and it wasn’t very relatable. Right because women are going to swipe past someone. If you seem. Unrelatable. Which is really the key point here.
And sometimes when we are setting up a dating profile for the first time, we’re not entirely sure what elements to focus on, especially if. We are newly dating and a lot of our identity might’ve been tied to our prior relationships. So that’s just a practical example to get you guys [00:06:00] thinking about how really navigating through the complexity as a modern dating might be what is actually holding you back or causing frustrations.
Now, the second thing I want you guys to think about is. This is normal. This is natural. We all do it, but it’s the comparison to your past partner, the good and the bad comparison. So oftentimes when we get out of a relationships, because something wasn’t clicking with that person. And now we’re seeking something different.
So we might even idealize the qualities that we see in someone new that we think, oh, this person is. Really compassionate. Well, my ex-wife wasn’t, so I’m really connected to this person because I’m seeing this compassion in them and maybe I’m actually over looking some of the other elements of compatibility, because all I’m doing is a comparison to the partner I had before, or maybe we’re doing a. Uh, negative or unfair mental comparison.
Now, guys, this is sometimes happening subconsciously, right? It’s not like you’re always seeing something. And then, you know, taking down a [00:07:00] mental note, it’s happening subconsciously. And you’re measuring each new person that you meet. Against your ex-spouse. That could be even how they dress, how they laugh, the traditions they share. And what’s happening is because you’re stuck a little bit in this comparison.
It’s actually going to be preventing you from getting to know this new person. And seeing them for who they are versus seeing them as, you know, how can I, you know, write a list of my acts and write a list of this new person. Um, compare the positive and negative qualities. Um, because that’s your biggest reference point for relationships now? You might also be projecting qualities from the past onto the present.
So you might actually assume that the new woman you’re dating is going to have the same flaws as your ex-wife. It’s easy to paint all women with the same brush. Or you might even paint her with the same strengths thinking that okay. Like all women are organized. So this new woman’s going to be organized and find out that she’s wildly on organized, for example. [00:08:00] Or, um, you know, you might just have this inaccurate lens through which you view these women. Because you are subconsciously measuring each new person, you come across with your ex partner now. You know, H how does this show up?
So, for example, let’s say you, you meet a new woman on hinge and you decide you’re going to go out for some dinner. And you’re out on a date with this new lovely woman who’s really kind is really intelligent. However, during your dinner, Uh, she orders a cocktail instead of ordering wine. And you recognize, well, my ex-wife was real wine connoisseurs.
She always ordered wine. And you kind of just mentally dismiss this new date thinking for some reason that she’s maybe not as sophisticated as your past partner, just because she didn’t order wine. She ordered a cocktail. So you, you know, you’re placing this kind of almost presupposition onto this new person, not even necessarily consciously.
Um, but you’re missing this opportunity to discover who this new woman is because. [00:09:00] You might be dismissing things or comparing on fairly now. You need to be mindful of this. So you don’t do this. Uh, as you’re getting out there and meeting new women, it’s really natural to do this. Uh, comparison is like a predominant part of our lives, right?
With social media, we’re always seeing our lives and seeing other people’s lives. And what’s what’s between them. It’s comparison. It’s the difference? It’s the gap. It’s what do I have that. That person doesn’t have and vice versa. So you want to be really mindful that you’re not doing this. Uh, it’s really natural to do it, especially if you have, um, a 20 year relationship experience. Uh, before you get out there and date again, but you don’t want to do this.
So the solution here is just really reframing your mindset, guys, being aware of it, reminding yourself to appreciate. What makes each new woman you meet unique. And instead of asking yourself, How does this person compare to my ax? Good or bad? To [00:10:00] what is exciting and different about this woman? Cause she ain’t your ex and you don’t want her to be so point number three guys is a little bit of this overemphasis on your external success.
So. You’re professional, you’re educated. Maybe you went to an Ivy league school. Maybe you just, you know, run a really successful business. And often times. Many successful men might assume that their education or their. Professional status is. Uh, enough to attract a partner. I mean, how many men out there just say women are attracted to status and money. Some are, but a lot of them are looking for a heck of a lot more than that.
So. The mistake that sometimes gets made is that you’re relying on achievements. And while those are admirable qualities, right, they don’t. Replace emotional intelligence. They don’t replace humor and they don’t replace [00:11:00] empathy. Women want those things. Some women want it all. All right, but women definitely want emotional intelligence and humor and empathy.
So if you’re leaning on your professional success, And you’re neglecting relational growth. Okay. You’re focusing on status versus qualities for emotional awareness or relationship skills. Then you are lacking some self-awareness about what women are truly seeking from men. At least. Emotionally mature women who are looking for loving longterm relationships, not just a piece of RM Kennedy, right?
So women do want a man who is emotionally present, who is playful. Who’s genuinely interested in building a connection and understands how to develop those skills. Not as just relying on. They’re successful professional achievements. Okay. So. Let’s say you’re a corporate lawyer and you’re [00:12:00] on a date with a woman and you’re kind of bringing up like your success and your business that you’ve run for whatever the corporate law practice you’ve run for 15 years.
And you’re kind of assuming that your new date is going to be impressed by all of this. But in reality, she’s probably feeling quite disconnected because the conversation might be lacking warmth or even mutual curiosity. Because instead of just focusing on success, maybe you want to try sharing a story about, you know, what you do to have fun in your life or a recent trip you took, or your favorite travel experience or your favorite cuisine.
This shift from kind of showing off to sharing and connecting will foster a much better and quicker bond with a woman. ’cause guys you’re so much more than just your professional success or sometimes even lack there off, right? So. So I’m going to be mindful of there. And now the fourth and final point here on why sometimes you lovely, educated, successful men struggle a little bit in modern dating is [00:13:00] difficulty navigating power dynamics, right?
Sometimes. There’s a bit of a misinterpretation of independence. Now, there are a lot of women out there in their forties, 50 sixties. These women are confident. They’re self-assured they might be a little bit intimidating because they’re pretty comfortable in their own skin and they might have been independent for some time.
So. You know, if you are misreading a woman’s independence as disinterest or aloofness. It might be causing you to struggle a little bit here. So if you’re coming from a traditional relationship, And you feel a little unsure about maybe sharing some of the roles in your relationship, or you realize like, wow, this woman is. She’s got a whole life of her own.
She has a lot of things going on and you think to yourself, well, you know, she’s probably too busy to have a relationship. You might dismiss a great connection because you’re making an assumption. Or struggling to navigate. You know, a woman’s independence, um, thinking that, you know, she’s not [00:14:00] interested in you or she’s not making as much time as you thought she should be, or you would like her to maybe initially as you’re getting to know one another.
So. This might happen. You know, in texting as well because of a woman is quite independent. She’s comfortable on her own yet she is seeking a partner. You know, she’s not going to be anxious about dating necessarily. She’s not going to be responding to your texts immediately. She might be busy with her grown kids are busy. You know, doing the things that she loves and she’s not always going to respond immediately or have a high level of anxiety.
And so you might read this thinking, oh, she’s not that interested in me when in fact you could be quite interested, but she’s also just really satisfied with who she is in. And her life. So you don’t want to make that mistake. Now, these are four pretty common mistakes that I see pretty successful educated men making with modern dating.
Uh, hopefully, you know, you’re not making any of these errors and you’re having the most amazing dating experiences [00:15:00] ever. But if you are making some of these errors, Hopefully today’s videos helped you become aware of them. There’s a couple subtle shifts that you can do to change how you were showing up with modern dating, diving into that emotional intelligence, understanding that the modern dating landscape has changed or slightly different ways to communicate.
Making sure you’re no focusing on. Really getting to know the person in front of you and not doing those unhealthy comparisons. Um, and just understanding that we know women that are dating again after a divorce themselves might also be slightly more independent than you are used to. And you just want to make sure you are not misinterpreting their signals. For disinterest when in fact. She might just be calm and cool as a cucumber. So guys, thank you very much for tuning into this video.
Drop your comments below. I’d love to hear what you think about this. What some of your unique, uh, modern dating challenges are. Please share this with someone that might need to see this podcast video. Uh, subscribe for more videos like this every [00:16:00] single week. If you want to listen to it in the audio format, you can head over to Spotify.
The self-confidence project is my podcast there. It’s available on. Uh, Spotify and iTunes and pretty much every other podcast platform, I believe. And, uh, thank you very much for tuning in for giving me your valuable time and look forward to another episode next week. Ciao.
