Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. Today, I’m sharing a guide for men navigating dating and intimacy after 40 or post-divorce. We’ll discuss how to redefine sexual confidence, the importance of finding the right partner, and the role of emotional connection in achieving great intimacy. I’ll share genuine tips for building better connections and intimacy in your next relationship.
If you’re a successful man with relationship experience who is frustrated with your current dating life and looking to attract the right type of woman, book a dating strategy call with me here: Book a call with Kimberly
Check out my audio masterclass on talking to women here.
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. It is me, Kimberly. I am a dating and relationship coach for men. And in today’s podcast video, I am going to tell you guys how you can have the best sex of your life after 40 or after. A divorce. Now this is a guide for men that have come out of a serious or long-term relationship.
Okay. Now, when it comes to re entering the world of dating and intimacy, Especially after. A longterm partnership. It’s daunting. It’s wild, it’s wacky, it’s new. It’s going to be riddled with anxiety and worry and comparison because the modern world pushes all of that in your face. It’s really hard to avoid it unless you live under a rock.
And in that case, you’re not having any sex at all. So you’re not even worried about it. Right. So what I really want to share with you guys is a few things that you want to keep in mind. So that you can have better intimacy. Better [00:01:00] connection. In your next relationship now, why do I talk about this? Well, it is pretty common. That when men get divorced. And our dating again, that their prior relationship lacked a lot of physical intimacy towards the end.
Why? Because if they had a lot of great physical intimacy, you probably were feeling really emotionally connected. And if you had all that, you probably weren’t getting divorced in the first place. So the truth is when a relationship ends, there’s probably a few years, if not longer, where you weren’t connected, where you were in fact, very disconnected from a partner and probably very disconnected emotionally and physically.
So when you’re out there dating and looking for your new partner, you’re probably thinking, how could I have. A really beautiful, mutually respectful relationship, but also how can I have more connection and more intimacy while I want to share some ideas with you guys today to help redefine sexual confidence? Uh, why finding the [00:02:00] right partner is going to be really great to, uh, having good intimacy, how sex actually starts before and after the bedroom, and also understanding maybe what was lacking before and how you can, can communicate now to get it.
So that’s what I’m going to be talking about in today’s video. You’re going to want to stay tuned for all of this. And of course, I want to hear your thoughts. Uh, and comments along the way. Now, if you’re new to this channel, Subscribe, give me some love. Uh, give me some likes. I create this stuff just for you guys.
So please share it around anyone that can benefit from this content. And I appreciate all the love and support that you guys have given me that has helped me grow this channel to where it is today. Now, just a quick little reminder. Disclaimer, if you are dating again after divorce, a separation, a longterm split. It’s feeling crazy it’s feeling while it was feeling wacky. You’re bumping up against the wall.
You’re not quite sure how to navigate online, offline dating in today’s modern dating landscape. And you’re just, you know, kind of spaghetti at the wall tactic, you know, throwing stuff up there and it’s not quite sticking or [00:03:00] working out. Then I really do invite you to book a date, dating strategy, call with me.
See if coaching is a right fit for you so that you can get unstuck. Meet great women, meet a great woman and go on to have your best, most rewarding relationship yet. And we’re going to talk about how the physical intimacy of that can be more mindblowing. Uh, and rewarding and exciting for you guys. So the first thing you want to understand is redefining confidence when it comes to physicality.
Now, this is not just about performance. It’s about. Presence. Now, if you’re dating again after a divorce. Then truth is you bring. Life experience. Probably in hopefully some emotional maturity. And some self-awareness to the table. So I want you guys to first and foremost, let go of the idea that you have anything to prove. Just because you were dating after divorce. I don’t want you guys to think you have anything to [00:04:00] prove. Physically just because you’re dating again after divorce.
Instead. I want you guys to think about how you can own your story. Right. How has your past relationship, your challenges within that relationship? And the growth that occurred as a result of it shaped you. To who you are today. That is going to build your confidence because confidence comes from embracing your story and embracing who you are, the good and the bad. This is how you’re going to redefine sexual confidence.
I also want you guys to think about focusing on. Connecting with women. Not on ego. Now women are going to find the emotional availability and attentiveness that you can give them so more, so much more attractive than any superficial bravado. Right or stories of how you used to be great in the day and things like that.
Right. So I want you [00:05:00] guys to focus on how can you connect emotionally with a woman now? How can you own your story about how you’re growing so that your confidence can be boosted? And how, how can you guys invest in yourself where you are in your life today? How can you exercise and groom and take care of yourself and dress in a way that makes you feel strong, makes you feel attractive because this is going to help you exude that confidence. So that you don’t feel like you need to prove yourself because all too often, Men that I work with that are dating again after a divorce. They are carrying a bit of shame.
They’re carrying a bit of guilt. They’re carrying a bit of, well, I have to kind of explain why I got divorced. I have to kind of explain why things didn’t work out. And what happens is we get a little anxious. We start oversharing a little bit, and that can be quite off-putting. So instead I want you guys to own your story, focus on connection over ego and do what you need to, to invest in yourself because you probably have more time to do that now that you. Our single.
Now I [00:06:00] also want to talk about why it’s so crucial guys, that you find the right partner, because this is key to great intimacy. Let’s be honest. You know, being with the wrong woman is not going to help your anise intimacy. It’s not going to help your confidence because either a good partner brings out the best in us or a bad partner can bring out the worst in us.
And we know that. A good relationship will add years to your life and a bad one is going to steal years from your life. Right? So finding the right partner is going to be so instrumental and key to having great intimacy because it thrives when you’re with someone who really aligns to your values. To your desires to your emotional needs. And the right partner can transform sex into an experience of deeper connection and trust. ’cause guys, even if you’re dating after divorce and you’re thinking, oh, I can, you know, maybe sleep with some different women and I can have. You know, more physical experiences I guarantee, and this isn’t going to be the case for everybody, but many of you guys that take that strategy [00:07:00] feel worse, right?
You go out, you meet women, you. You know, you know, dive into the physical intimacy and then you realize you’re lacking the emotional connection and truth. Be told. The guys that are listening to this video, you guys listening to me, you probably are craving great physical intimacy, but also really want a genuine deep emotional connection.
So you have one without the other, just. You’re either friends or you’re in a situationship that doesn’t leave you feeling as fulfilled as you want to be. So this is why finding the right woman guys is so, so key to having great intimacy. And it’s really about seeking compatibility, not searching for perfection.
So you want to look for a woman who has a communication style that you can value that values yours. You want to make sure you’re finding someone that has a sense of humor that resonates with you otherwise. So it sucks when you guys don’t have compatible humor, right? It just like so many missed opportunities for fun.
And cause physical chemistry is just one piece of the puzzle. If all those other things are feeling [00:08:00] great, then, you know, intimacy just feels so much better because you’re just connected to this person. You actually like this person, right? So it’s really important guys that you’re not settling because the temptation of the most beautiful woman that gives you some great attention after you’ve been divorced is very tempting.
And I had seen this pattern on repeat. It’s almost like the divorce man’s Mo like emo is that you go from having a partnership that didn’t work out to seeing a woman who’s really attractive. That seems to possess the opposite qualities of your wife and you guys dive into that relationship head first only to realize. Whoops. I didn’t really know what I was looking for and what kind of partner would be compatible for me.
And I burned the oil really hot with this person and it blew up and now I’m feeling like, oh, I made a mistake here and I’m dating again. And now I’m divorced and I’ve just been broken up with or broke up with somebody. Because the wrong partner is going to lead you guys to repeating [00:09:00] your darn old patterns.
So please take the time to find someone who makes you feel seen and valued, not just in bed, but in your whole life, because great intimacy is going to start with emotional alignment guys, which lays the foundation for passionate, fulfilling time in the bedroom. Now, how is. How does, you know, intimacy or great intimacy start before and after the bedroom?
Well, you guys know this one, right? You guys know that the best intimacy is not confined to the time you spend just rolling around in the sheets, that it starts long before, and it continues for awhile after. Right. So when you are with the partner, you want to understand how can you build anticipation?
How can you become a little more flirtatious? How can you do thoughtful gestures that are going to create the. Elements of desire that women really crave. Now I have other videos on this stuff, right? When it talks to flirting and intimacy and emotional connection, there’s lots of other content where I talk about this.
So guys understand that anticipation is one of the [00:10:00] precursors to female div. But the desire, right? So that’s flirting. That’s texts. That’s soulful gestures. Like, do you know how to do this as a comfortable for you to do this? Right? So this is all the stuff that happens before the bedroom, right? It’s also quality time with somebody.
Um, now when you’re in the bedroom, it’s all about being present and being attentive. Now I’m not here to give you, um, you know, sex tips for what works for you guys. Cause that’s something you need to figure out on your own, but certainly leading up to it. There’s a lot that can happen. And after it, the posts, intimacy connection really. Really. Matters.
That’s cuddling. That’s talking, that’s making your partner feel appreciated. That’s compliments. That’s you receiving those things as well? Not just you guys giving it. Right. It’s these moments that are really going to deepen your bond and set the stage for even better intimacy. Next time, because lot of positive stuff can lead up to it. Right then the act can happen and then we can actually feel quite low afterwards if we [00:11:00] recognize that we’re not as emotionally connected as we’d like to be.
So after intimacy is really important to identify. How are you feeling after the fact? Right? Because sex is a holistic experience that reflects the strength of your connection at every stage. How do you feel before? How do you feel during and guys? How are you feeling after? Right. So. When it comes to understanding, okay, what are some of the lessons from my prior relationship, maybe what was lacking in this area and how can I learn to communicate and get that?
Cause I want you guys to get it. I want you to get it on, get it good and get it with the right woman. I think we need more healthy and loving relationships in the world and less toxic, upset, dysfunctional ones. Right? Amen. Okay. So when we get out of a relationship or we’re divorced, it often will shine a light on. The needs, we didn’t have mat. And that’s going to shine a light on the needs that you didn’t have met, uh, just in your general relationship.
And of course, in your intimacy. So [00:12:00] use this analysis to reverse engineer what you do need. Okay. If you didn’t get lots of touch, it means, and it frustrated you. It means you want more of that. If you didn’t have a lot of intimacy and it frustrated you, it means you want more of that. If you didn’t have a lot of. Compliments or appreciation and that frustrated you, it means you want more of that.
So what you didn’t get and how you felt about it. Informs what you do want, and that’s so important because oftentimes we get really clear on what we don’t want. I don’t want this and I don’t want that. And I don’t want a partner who does this, or doesn’t do this. And then we don’t really get clear on what we need in positive terms.
So guys, it’s really important to learn what frustrated you and what you didn’t like in that prior relationship. And then the opposite of that is what you’re needing now. How do you actually communicate that right now? I should do another video on just communication on its own, because it takes quite a bit of time to dive into different communication styles and give you guys lots of examples, but. When you [00:13:00] meet somebody new, you really want to be clear about discussing your needs openly.
Now, not on a date, number one. Right? But over time as you’re building a connection, you want to use I statements to say, like, I’ve realized. This is stories of growth by the way, which is really attractive for Matt. I’ve realized that I really value.
Cuddling in a relationship. I realized I really value verbal tenderness in a relationship where I realize I really value. Flirting in a relationship where I realize, or really value. Sexy pictures. I don’t know. What have you realized that you really value, maybe you really value. Watching a movie at night on the couch, but not at opposite ends of the couch.
Maybe you just want like your partner to just put her hand on your leg. And if you want that you desire that that’s great. You should just be able to communicate that to her because she won’t be able to read your mind. So when you learn what you didn’t have and how you felt about [00:14:00] it, you can understand what you do want, and that’s going to give you the best chance to actually communicate that to a new woman. So that your needs get met guys, because if you’re not telling her what you want. You’re not going to get it right.
We cannot keep going into relationships thinking that. Our partners should be able to read our minds or know what we want, or know what fills our cup up or just because we did the Gary Chapman love languages quiz. And I told her that I am physical affection, that she even knows what that means. She doesn’t.
You need to tell her when we get into a good relationship, we co-create a loving partnership, which means co we’re working together. I’m telling you what I need and want. You’re telling me what you need one, I’m going to try and give it to you. And you’re going to try and give it to me. And now we’re really happy.
And we’re rolling around in the sheets and things are taking. Taking place. Uh, in the way that you envisioned them. So. Clarity about your desires and the courage to express them guys will ensure you build more fulfilling relationships. Now, if you suck at this, if you really bad at this. I’m [00:15:00] happy to help you out. This is what I do with most of my clients all the time.
This is a hard. A hard one to deal with. It’s sometimes it’s hard to figure all that out alone or just through watching a video now. Y your failed relationship might be the best teacher for you. Uh, is because despite relationships ending being very painful, um, they can be a real big, uh, powerful catalyst for personal growth guys.
So instead of viewing. The relationship with the end of it as a failure, you could actually see it as a stepping stone towards understanding yourself better. Uh, and your own needs and you can take lessons from the past. You can build resilience. Um, and you guys have the freedom to rewrite your story here.
So just because you had a relationship that didn’t have intimacy or didn’t work out. It does not mean that is your fate forever. Divorce is not the end. It is the beginning of something else in your life. And like many of my clients, it can be the start of a partnership that just blows their [00:16:00] mind or a partnership that just makes them feel like, where has this been?
My whole life. Right. So. Guys, I want you to understand that, um, you know, dating again in today’s modern landscape can be home a little wild and wacky. And getting physically intimate with somebody new after a long-term relationship has ended. Can. Um, actually be a really rewarding and transformative experience. Uh, as long as you’re understanding how to redefine confidence, as long as you’re understanding how to seek the right partner, guys, as long as you’re focusing on connection before, during and after intimacy.
And you’re learning about what you didn’t get and what you need. Um, there’s a lot of lessons in this video for you guys to, uh, step up your confidence and really have what you are desiring. So please take your time to rediscover. Intimacy passion and joy. So you can experience your best relationship and most deeply intimate. Relationship.
Yeah. Thanks guys. For staying to the end here. Really appreciate [00:17:00] all your love and support and look forward to bringing you another video next week.
