In this episode of The Self-Confidence Project, Kimberly explores the concept of whether love is truly blind, inspired by the hit show ‘Love is Blind’ and its latest UK season. The discussion includes the psychological mechanisms behind the show’s success and the reality of forming emotional connections without physical presence. Kimberly also delves into Arthur Aron’s study on creating interpersonal connections through 36 deep questions, examining how this relates to the show’s setup and questioning the sustainability of relationships formed under such conditions. The episode aims to provide insights into the dynamics of dating and relationships, emphasizing the importance of more than just love for lasting partnerships.
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Kimberly
Here’s the transcript
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I am your host, and today we’re going to be answering the question. Is love, truly blind. And this lines up nicely because there’s a UK version of the very popular show. Love is blind. That is out right now on Netflix. The season finale has not taken place yet.
And many people know about this show because it, in fact, the us version as. Um, I believe is an Emmy nominee. Hey, lots of people tune into this show and it begs the question. Does this experiment really work is love really blind. So in today’s podcast, I’m going to be unpacking. If love is really blind, share some of my personal thoughts about this entire process. Um, share with you as well.
A, uh, other psychological study that has been done that is closely related to the show. Love is blind. Um, so tune in because this is going to be a good one. Now, for those of you that are brand new to this podcast, welcome aboard. I’m super excited to have you here. We talk all [00:01:00] things, life and dating and relationships.
And for those of you that have been listening for some time, welcome back. It’s good to have you here. Uh, for those of you that don’t know I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. So what I’ve been doing for the last five years full time is working with men on a confidential and private basis to show up more confidently in dating, to have a lot more fun dating, to attract the right types of women and say no to the wrong types of women and ultimately move these men closer to deeply loving. Authentic long-term relationships.
So if you struggle with dating or you struggle with your confidence or self-esteem, or you’re just not having, you know, air quote luck when it comes to dating or you can’t get to that second and third date or. You feel like women are always rejecting you then? Uh, maybe coaching is the right mode and modality for you to help you get clear, get confident. Just get sharper when it comes to this whole dating scene, because there’s so many nuances and so many things changing when it comes to dating today, um, that you really want to [00:02:00] feel like you’re approaching it with your best self and not bringing any past baggage into the dating experience, or just focusing on dating the wrong people.
Because I tell you, women will waste your time. So you want to make sure that you’re attracting and spending time with the right types of women, because that’s, what’s going to expedite you into the loving relationship that you really want to have. So. Um, I took a couple months off for my health, but I am back taking on brand new clients.
So if you’re interested to have a conversation with me, understand what the coaching perspective would look like or journey would look like at least from. From working with someone like myself. And, uh, I do offer complimentary consultations before we decide if we want to work together and what that’s gonna look like and what the investment and all that good stuff.
So if you’re interested, I grabbed the link to book a time. Um, I do only, you know, it’s only me that. Uh, runs this business. So I can only take so many clients at once, but if you’re interested and if summer’s a really good time to get yourself focused, as we head into the change of the season. So.
[00:03:00]
It was love really blind.
Right? If you’re familiar with the show, then you know all about it, but if you’re not familiar with the show, It’s kind of tempting to see. Couples date each other through a wall. This is ultimately what they’re doing. They’re dating each other through a wall. And it’s, it’s this captivating idea that strangers can connect emotionally. Without ever seeing each other. And they’re even going as far as getting engaged to one another. All before they meet in person. And so this setup is created to ultimately help people find a recipe for true love. But as I’m going to share with you today, the reality is often quite different.
So I want to share with you why this show that is so, so popular, appears to work quite well. Initially. And then I’m going [00:04:00] to share with you some. Uh, perspectives on why? In fact, once they kind of cameras stopped rolling. So to speak that the real relationship challenges began. So first and foremost, Why does this show appear to have so many raving fans and also on screen, you see these beautiful deep connections for me.
And that’s because. It really sets people up to build emotional connection. Firstly, when you’re in a safe space where you don’t feel you’re being judged from your outward appearance, it can put people into a really relaxing environment. So you’re able to develop and foster this ability to have deep, intimate conversations. And when we can do that with somebody. We feel accepted.
We feel loved. We feel the strong sense of understanding. This is why emotional bonding is such an important part of our relationships. These people that are on love as blind UK on love is blind. Uh, [00:05:00] USA as well as I think there it’s in Brazil now and probably going to be in loads of other countries. It’s really tempting for people that have been out there dating and using dating apps.
I think dating apps just seem so superficial and so tired of always being judged on my appearance. I really want to just form a connection with someone who loves me and understands me for who I am on the inside. And that’s. A really beautiful attempting notion. It doesn’t always hold up in reality. Right.
But the first thing is why this show appears to work so well initially is because. Couples are able to open up to be vulnerable, to feel safer in an environment where they’re not being judged the way we feel. We’re always judged in the outside and real world. And it creates this amazing emotional bonding between two people that make them ultimately feel like holy shit.
I have found my soulmate. It’s the first time I’ve connected so deeply with someone because you’re removing a lot of the noise and a [00:06:00] lot of distraction. Now why else is this show appear to work so well? Well, of course we got to, we got to admit that there’s some seriously heightened emotions on this show. When you’re so excited about finding a connection and you’re in this unique environment. Your emotions are going to constantly be running high. And this is going to lead to making decisions that feel really good in the moment. But might not actually hold up later on.
So when you’re in this. Reality show with these other people that are going through this experience and everything is new to you. And you’re away from your friends and family. And I think your phones are being taken away in this show. You’re just sitting in heightened emotion because it’s not just what you’re feeling is what the next girl or guy that you’re in the room with is feeling and going through.
And everybody’s feeling these like really. Excited anxious, nervous emotions. And that is not always the [00:07:00] best place to be making big life decisions from. Really, when you think about it, the show is enticing, an activated attachment system. Right. We’re going to such a high place of feeling connected and feeling loved and feeling like we’re having this wild experience that we think we’re ultimately falling in love because our emotions are running so high.
And so we say yes to that engagement without even having met the person after only a number of weeks. Right. And maybe in a number of weeks, you’ve gone on the show. Doesn’t really state this, but let’s say you maybe gone on 10 dates with this person, five dates with this person. And maybe it’s even less.
In some instances before you get to the engagement. So you’re in this space of heightened emotions and that is not the best. Emotional state to make big life decisions, right? You might regret them vastly later on now. Thirdly there’s. [00:08:00] There’s pressure to commit on the show. So contestants are, or individuals that are on this show, understand that in order to actually meet the person that they have developing these strong emotional feelings for that, they, they need to be engaged.
So that’s the structure of the show. It’s not like, wow. I feel really emotionally connected to this person. Let’s meet and see how we now feel when we add the physical element. It’s no, let’s put this pressure on the show. That if you want to actually meet this person that you created a really strong bond with, um, you need to propose to them or accept an engagement, then you can meet them and go on to the next part of the show, which is very tempting, which is to be, you know, sent on this prepaid holiday to somewhere amazing. Right.
So again, so much excitement. Um, to meet this person, but in order to do so, you have to commit to each other. So there’s this pressure to commit that pushes people into a really sacred part of a [00:09:00] relationship really, really early, based on a strong emotional connection, but also very heightened emotions.
And of course the element of pressure. So if you’re not objectively looking at the show that way you might think, wow, these people are finding these beautiful bonds and they’re experiencing emotions. They’ve never Expedia experienced before. And wow. What a, what a cool kind of experiment to be in.
Yeah. Think of it as an experiment, but how often do you want to experiment with your life in such a way that you can have these. Like highs and real lows, which happens to a lot of the contestants on the show as well. So. This is why I believe the show appears to work really well initially because of the emotional connection, the heightened emotions, and then the pressure to commit.
However,
Then these people meet. Then reality sets in. Then real life challenges began and they aim to encapsulate this portion of how the couples get to know each [00:10:00] other physically. And how they do living in their social environments and meeting friends and family. And now hearing the third version judgment from the people around them.
So. Reality actually sets in during the second phase of the experiment where.
You have to determine whether you connect with this person, physically, whether you connect with them, experientially, whether you connect with them spiritually, whether you connect with them across other areas of intimacy and value.
So they got the emotional connection piece down. But what the show is lacking is the physical. Um, sometimes even the intellectual and the experiential and the spiritual, which are the other layers of intimacy. And in such a small amount of time, it’s not necessarily enough time to actually. Navigate the vital aspects of a relationship such as the physical attraction, handling finances, discussing sex, navigating [00:11:00] friendships, setting boundaries, having conversations that are essential for longterm success.
And while the show tries to demonstrate that it’s encapsulating this part. Um, into the, uh, the show dynamics before they get to the alter and say yes or no to each other. Um, it’s just not enough time. You’re still riding the high of the emotional connection. You’re thinking I don’t want to get rid of that emotional connection, even though these other parts aren’t working, you’re still experiencing heightened emotion because of the quick pace of the show and the. The glamor that comes with being on a reality show and you still are working under this pressure to commit to each other. So reality is, is, is love really blind.
This is question.
Well, even the show, isn’t getting people to marry each other without seeing each other. So is the show not more? Asking the question. [00:12:00] Can you form deep emotional bonds with strangers. Well, the answer is yes, of course you can. Can you form deep emotional bonds with strangers? Absolutely. So this entire show brings to my mind a study that was done by Arthur Aron. Okay now Arthur Aron, uh, his biography.
He’s a, he’s a social psychologist. He developed. 36 questions. For his research. On ways to basically create interpersonal connections and closeness between two strangers. And his study actually aimed to determine. Um, if this mutual self-disclosure, which what happens in the show, One person opens off and the other person opens up mutual.
Self-disclosure. Arthur. Aaron wanted to know if this mutual self-disclosure could help facilitate couples creating closeness or falling in love. So he developed [00:13:00] 36 questions. That strangers who had never met before came, they sat in a room physically together and they went back and forth.
Well, that was my phone bothering us.
Let’s put on, do not disturb. Spam call, obviously. So Arthur, Aaron developed these 36 questions and he got two strangers to come sit in a room together. So they see, they were seeing each other physically. And they would go back and forth over a new numerous few hours to get through these deep 36 questions.
And I’m going to attach the list of these questions, um, to the show notes, by the way. So you can read them and see how kind of intimate and wild and wacky some of them are. But this research showed that sustained. Escalating. Reciprocal self-disclosure. Could foster a very strong sense of closeness between total strangers. [00:14:00] Total strangers, his research demonstrated that these strangers that came into this room and ask each other, these questions back and forth could foster really deep closeness between each other.
And that’s because they started to. Deeply understand one another. And so these questions. We’re really effective at creating intimacy. But they don’t necessarily lead to lasting. Love. Right. They didn’t necessarily lead to lasting. Love.
This is what love is blind is doing. It’s giving people the opportunity to have mutual self-disclosure when it comes to really asking those personal questions, you watch the show, they’re talking about their childhood. They’re talking about their insecurities. They’re talking about their hopes and dreams and desires. Um, they’re talking about the types of questions that we, [00:15:00] we hope to talk about with someone and then feel accepted at the end of this sharing about. The shadow self, the parts of ourselves that we hide from everyone else, because we’re too afraid to really tell them in the real world and be judged.
But in this environment, these people get this ability to kind of. Share these deep things with one another and create this emotional closeness, which once you’re kind of put them into the real world and they’re not sustaining that type of. Conversation with each other. That emotional connection begins to fade as all of the other elements of the real life. Take a fact.
So. I want to share with you a couple of the Arthur Aaron questions, just so you got a sense of some of these compelling questions. That have really created closeness between two people. And this is why, like I said, initially, this love is blind show tends to really work, but at the end of the day, you see that how many people are put on this show and how many actually engaged get [00:16:00] engaged to one another.
And how many actually. Uh, get married and how many actually stay together. It’s less and less than less than you think because there’s so many other elements that are important for sustaining a loving relationship. Love alone. Let alone is not enough. You can’t just love your way into a long-term relationship.
Love is super important, but it’s a complex emotion that a lot of people struggled to define. And the truth is a longterm relationship requires a heck of a lot more than just do I love this person is, do I love this person? And am I willing to work on this relationship? Do I love this person? And do we share same values?
Do I love this person? And, um, do they. Accept me for who I am. Do I love this person? And can I communicate that with them without being critical or contemptuous? There was a lot more. That needs to take place to form a deeply loving relationship. Now. Let’s go back to these questions because you might be thinking, well, what are these 36 questions?
And maybe I can be asking on a date or [00:17:00] start using to build closer connections with mind you, not just your romantic interest, but your friends and your family members. And so Arthur Aaron’s study. He actually breaks the. Uh, 36 questions into three sets and they kind of progressively get more intimate and, uh, sometimes more challenging.
So in the first set, the first kind of 12 questions that Arthur Aron as a designed for this fostering closeness and intimacy, I’ll share with you a couple of them. Number one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Around another random question from the first set question number four, what would constitute a perfect day for you? What would constitute a perfect day for you? Question number seven. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? What do you think this question is getting on? It’s probably alluding to people’s [00:18:00] fears, probably getting people to open up about their fears and things that scare them.
Right. Nine for what in your life do you feel most grateful? Right now we’re getting someone to open up about the things that light them up, make them excited. Right. We’re getting to know somebody through these questions. Question 11, take four minutes. And tell your partner, your life story, and as much detail as possible.
Okay. Now I’m telling you who I really am and what it was like to be me growing up. I’m letting you into my world. I’m letting you into so many layers of who I really am. So those are the questions from sat one. Now there’s many more in there set to.
What is your most terrible memory? What is your most treasured memory? What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? What role does love and affection play in your life? These questions are good. They are deep. They get people to open up and [00:19:00] unravel. And can you imagine if you’re asking these questions? In a room with someone and you’re spilling your guts out and they’re spilling their guts out and you’re like, wow, I’m starting to understand you.
And while I’m feeling so understood and non judged by you, because we’re both sharing. Right. So we’re not judging each other. We’re hoping the other, person’s not judging us. We’re opening up in this. Amazing way and feeling loved and accepted. Okay. Another one from set two. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? It was the last time somebody asked you that question, right? Set number three. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. Now we’re really trying to tell people how to love us. Right.
How about sharing with your partner? An embarrassing moment in your life? How about when was the last time you cried in front of another person or by yourself?
Now we’re getting interesting. Tell your partner something that [00:20:00] you like about them already from just knowing them in the last hour or two. Now we’re starting to understand each other, but now we’re starting to compliment each other. Ooh, kind of makes you feel like this person’s falling in love with you, right? Your house containing everything you own catches fire and after saving your loved ones and obviously saving your pats. You have time to safely make a final dash to save one last item. What would it be?
Why? These are fascinating questions. I’m Arthur Aron. Uh, just decided on putting these questions. In his study. And it’s true that some of the strangers that came into Arthur Aron study that didn’t know each other before. Genuinely fell in love and they did go on to get married. And some of those couples are still married today.
Now some of them formed really CRO close friendships. Right because we can love our [00:21:00] friends. So why is love is blind all about forcing. A romantic love on people. What if the experiment was all about two people coming together and forming deep, beautiful connections, but they didn’t have to feel like there had to be a physical element. What if we took the pressure away and it was like, you could meet your best friend in the world. Or you could meet your best friend and lover.
What if the show was set up that way? Anyways, I find the show fascinating is raised a lot of questions for me. In my personal life and my practice with PayPal and it really begs the question is love really blind. What do you think. Right or is it more, is it possible to form meaningful, loving connections with strangers?
Absolutely. I think. Right, but does is love enough for a long-term relationship. Is that as that the. Catchphrase that you have always believed in your life, because if you’re just relying on love to get you [00:22:00] through the tough times that helps, but you need other elements. Anyways guys. I hope this has been an intriguing and interesting episode to get you thinking about the show to get you thinking about love.
Do you thinking about animacy and the other areas that make up a long-term relationship for you as well as maybe give you some ideas about some really deep and interesting questions. And you can ask yourself to learn more about yourself, to create a great sense of self-awareness, but also to learn about another person. Maybe this is going to just encourage you to sit down with a sibling or a brother or a parent and ask them these questions so that you too can become closer and feel like you understand each other and develop love that might be missing in these important relationships in your life, but not always to try to force a romantic connection with someone because man, you can feel so much deep love and affection and care for someone without wanting to sleep with them.
So it was [00:23:00] love really blinds.
You tell me, thanks for tuning in guys.
