In today’s episode, Kimberly discusses the confusion men face when trying to determine if a woman is interested or just being polite. We explore the reasons why women may display flirtatious or polite behavior without romantic intentions and the importance of observing multiple positive interactions over time to gauge genuine interest, plus many other signs to look out for.
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Podcast transcript:
00:01 Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project this is a first for me because I’ve decided to record video alongside my My podcast and I haven’t done that in the I don’t know five years or four years or however long I’ve been recording this podcast um it’s always just been really
00:20 nice because I can roll up to my table or sit on my couch or just be really comfortable while creating these podcasts for you but I know everybody likes to consume content in different ways so I’m also recording this on video for you guys that want something to look at, something stimulating to keep
00:39 you listening to the podcast. I’m going to be posting these on my YouTube channel and the intention is for them to be like unedited, just relaxed.
00:48 This is me talking to you guys as I always have. And so don’t expect some spectacular editing or anything like that.
00:56 Otherwise, there’s just no way I’m going to do it and stick with it. Now, in today’s show, we’re going to be talking about why like why, God, guys, when they talk to women, question whether or not a woman is actually interested in them or she’s just simply being polite.
01:18 And I definitely want to say that it is very easy to confuse a female’s politeness. It is a man’s politeness interest. So this leaves a lot of you guys who are out there dating thinking what the heck, like how am I supposed to read these signs?
01:34 And how do I know when a woman is honestly just kind of being nice or maybe even getting the sense that she’s leading you on when she really has to no intention of dating you or going out with you.
01:44 Now this might happen, you know, in like an office setting, in the real world, so to speak. And sometimes variations of this are going to happen online too.
01:52 And you might be wondering to yourself, well, why on earth did they match with me in the first place? So we’re going to be diving into that today.
01:58 We’re going to be understanding, you know, the difference between interest and being polite, why women actually do this, and of course some signs you want to look out for that she’s actually interested in you as more than just friends or more than just being polite to you in a certain environment or
02:13 setting. Now before I dive into that further, for those of you that are new to this podcast, firstly welcome aboard.
02:18 I’m recording now after a couple of months off what I do, I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. I’ve been doing this for many years now.
02:26 I’ve helped hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of men on a one-on-one basis in my coaching programs to show up for confidently dating, authentically when they’re dating, to navigate just the trickiness of dating online and meeting women in public in this modern dating world.
02:43 And typically the guys that I work with are out of a long-term or significant relationship. They’re either separated, divorced, or they’re dating again after some time and they recognize that things haven’t gone how they wanted them to.
02:57 They maybe are developing certain types of dating patterns that they’re, you know, not really happy that they’re in. And they’re really wondering what they’re they’re to get a lot of clarity as to how to navigate dating and feel more confident. Everything from the granular, what does this mean in this
03:13 text message with this woman to, you know, how can I make my life feel more rich and more full. So these are the men that I work with and really ultimately the goal of every guy I work with while they all have different things that they’re wanting to work on and get support with and get clarity on, the
03:29 overall goal is to have deeply loving relationships. Relationships where your needs get met. Relationships where Relationships where there’s layers upon layers of intimacy and connection.
03:43 Which is really what all of us are craving when we make that decision that we want to be in monogamous relationships with people that we deeply love.
03:51 So if you’re struggling in this area of life, uh and dating is not going well for you, relationships in the past haven’t gone well for you, that’s okay.
04:00 It doesn’t mean that it’s always gonna be that way, but maybe you do want to get some support. Maybe that’s through coaching with myself, maybe it’s through coaching with someone else.
04:07 It’s really, at the end of the day it’s got to be a good fit for you. Maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s reading a book.
04:13 And doing the work on your own, maybe it’s some other form of healing or support that is available out there.
04:20 But, don’t be shy, because if you do want to have a conversation with me and you want to get a sense of whether Kimberley can maybe be a fit for you, then I always start off with a complimentary consultation.
04:30 We get to know each other, we get to know your situation, and see if I’m the right support for you, and hopefully I would be, and we would talk about a continuing coaching relationship.
04:41 I also have some new digital products coming out soon. I do have an audio master class on how to text and talk to women, so if this is a struggle area of yours, definitely go get that.
04:49 It’s a it’s a it’s a good investment for you guys. You can listen to it on the go. There’s a workbook that comes along with it, so definitely check it out.
04:57 It’s great, great, great value, and I’m working on a longer format course to really just distill all of the wisdom of working with men over the last five years in a coaching capacity, working with men over the last 15 years, and really just like distilling all of the best bits that you would get with
05:17 a one-on-one coaching relationship and in a course format where you can go at your own pace. So that is coming.
05:22 I’m working on it every single day in between my clients, in between everything else I do so that I can have that out this year.
05:28 I’m saying it, that’s the intention, um so that it becomes a reality. Now what is the deal with women that display like what you might take as this flirtation or this fun or this politeness and you’re going is she into me?
05:48 Because it’s really easy to confuse politeness with interest. So guys that’s it. I’ve had this experience. The best way to gauge whether or not she’s actually just being polite and nice or whether she’s genuinely interested in you is going to be with time.
06:06 So if a woman is simply being polite, then her polite efforts are going to fail. You fade over time in most cases and likely all cases.
06:16 She’s going to be polite to you. Let’s say you’re, let’s just call it a work situation. So you’re at work and you have a lot of, you know, it’s a co-ed workspace, right?
06:27 Lots of women, women in the office. Anyways, you’re in the, I don’t know, break room, right? And you’re heating up your coffee or your tea or your lunch or whatever it is, fictitious situation.
06:36 And this cute little girl, that woman that you’ve seen in the office also comes into the break room and you’re just kind of standing there minding your own business.
06:47 She starts saying hello and talking to you and she makes this comment about how she just loves men who drink tea.
06:56 And you’re heating your tea app, that’s what you’re doing. You’re heating your tea app. You’re heating your tea in the microwave because everybody who makes a tea.
07:02 Always realizes they forgot they made it and it ends up being cold. So when you’re in the break room you’re heating up your tea.
07:07 She comes in and she’s like I just love guys that drink tea instead of coffee. Just like I don’t know it just reminds me of like old school values and I just I really appreciate guys that drink tea.
07:16 And you’re going like is this chick in to me? Is she flirting with me in the office? You’re getting all these mixed signals and you’re kind of excited because she’s attractive and you’re going was she just being polite?
07:29 Or is she in to me? Right? If she’s into you It’s going to happen again and again. If she’s not, it’s not gonna happen again.
07:42 So let’s say it’s the next day and you’re like ooh this chick is into me. I’m gonna go like reheat my tea again around the same time.
07:48 See if I can run into her and she happens to be there but she doesn’t say a word. She’s super cold and you’re like okay.
07:55 She’s probably just being polite, right? Why do women do this? Okay, you want to get into the minds of women as to why we confuse you guys all the time?
08:05 Well here’s a couple reasons why women. We’ll be polite or sometimes flirtatious with you without any intention of that going further or being a romantic relationship.
08:18 And one of those reasons is just our simple survival and reproduction biology. Historically, human beings lived in smaller communities where we had to cooperate to survive.
08:32 So we were taught to be nice and to form positive social bonds because then we would get better support and protection especially.
08:42 We would get protection and we would get resources. So we want to be nice. We want to be in harmony.
08:49 Now in a work situation like that where you’re going to see this person time and time again. I’ll tell you when I worked on a broken floor in Sydney, Australia when I was one of the only females on the- on that broken floor.
09:00 I was nice to the guys because it did not want to go to work and not have them be nice to me because that would have been a really awkward and tough work situation to be in.
09:12 So I was kind to all of the brokers. Maybe too kind to some of them that weren’t so nice to me.
09:19 And sometimes I’d be even a little flirtatious with them, but it didn’t mean that I wanted to break up their marriages.
09:28 It didn’t mean that I really liked them romantically or wanted to be in a really- relationship and they’ll never pursue them or date them.
09:35 It was just fun, flirtation, keeping harmony. Umm, you know, being one of the boys, so to speak, you know, having that social harmony in the office where these guys realize, hey, Kim can keep up with that.
09:49 She- she’s not offended by boys being boys. And so there’s a huge intention on my behalf to just have fun at work to make connections with these guys, but it was not interest.
10:05 It wasn’t romantic interest. Maybe some of them didn’t feel that way. And I have lots of stories from those days of my life.
10:14 But one of the reasons why women are going to do this is just simply survival reproduction, biology, keeping harmony. We’re also going to be nice to guys.
10:23 Or sometimes flirtatious or fun or agreeable and open because we want to avoid conflict. And it’s funny because sometimes we think conflict only happens when words are exchanged, but conflict can happen with body language and not saying anything, so in that same situation.
10:41 Where those guys heating up this tea in the break room, the cute woman walks in, there can just be a tension without words being said and if that woman doesn’t want there to be a tension, she’s going to say hello and be kind to break that tension.
10:57 And so being nice, being cordial, being friendly, can it be a strategy to avoid conflict and aggression. And in many societies, women have been, you know, we historically faced uh physical and social dangers from men, you guys are s- scary, right?
11:15 And niceness is a way to mitigate these risks. If we are nice to you, our hope is that you will be nice to us.
11:23 If we are nice to you, our hope is that conflict will be avoided and we can stay safe. Now, of course, you know, there are great men out there.
11:31 That are not gonna harm women, even if we are disagreeable with you guys. But that’s just an inbuilt mechanism for us to protect ourselves as women.
11:39 So that’s one of the reasons too. Another reason is empathy and emotional intelligence. Now women on average, okay, tend to score higher on measures.
11:48 Empathy, uh emotional intelligence. And this means that women can understand and respond to emotional states of men and others. And we can be more receptive to how you’re feeling.
12:01 So maybe that same guy is in the break room, he ain’t nervous tea, but he’s in j- Just a shitty mood, right?
12:06 He’s had a really bad day with work, he lost a project, he lost deal or just something’s going on in his personal life.
12:13 And, and then all of a sudden this woman comes in and she’s just nice to him. And that juxtaposition from his bad mood to that.
12:21 . And a nice interaction is like he’s gone these extremes and emotions and he’s reading into it too much. And she’s just, you know, picking up this energy that he was in a bad mood and wanted to give him the gift of being nice, right?
12:34 Women have this emotional intelligence and empathy. Um, but it’s . . shouldn’t be mistaken for romantic interest, right? So that can happen too.
12:43 Now there’s social conditioning, right? From a young women, majority of women still are socialized to be really nurturing, to be really kind, to be cooperative.
12:53 You’re a good girl. Just behave. Right? Share your toys. You know, like take care of your little brother, right? So these traits are reinforced through our upbringing versus from societal norms and from our expectations.
13:08 And that means we have that social conditioning to be nice to you guys. Bye-bye. To avoid conflict, which is why you’re gonna hate this.
13:16 Just why? And I disagree with this, which is why so many women. When, let’s say you’re in a dating situation where you’ve matched online, you’ve had some conversation, you think, hey, I’m gonna ask her out on a date and then she just disappears.
13:28 It’s likely because she doesn’t know how to say no without the fear of you getting upset with her, right? Now a, uh, emotionally mature guy is not going to unleash his anger on her, he’s just gonna say no.
13:45 Okay, no worries, like I had to shoot my shot. All good, right? But in some cases women have had experiences where they’ve been outward with what their feelings were.
13:56 No, I’m not interested. No, I’m sorry. I don’t want to go on a day. Actually, I realize that I don’t think we’re compatible and then guys go whoa, why did you- and that kind of stuff does happen.
14:06 So women, and this is no excuse because I think women need to be better in their communication because there are a lot of great guys out there that are like being left on red and going what’s going on here.
14:15 A little closure and clarity would be nice. But sometimes when- women are going to just a completely avoid a possible tough scenario.
14:24 Umm and that can be a like a response of just you know not fight but flight. I’m out of here.
14:31 I’m just I’m gone. Right? Delete, unmatched. Whoo! Whoo! I’ve avoided this. tough scenario. Right? We can do better obviously. Why women do this is also communication skills.
14:43 So women tend to excel in verbal and nonverbal communication. Which means that we can express kindness and build rapport. or without words.
14:54 It could just be the energy that we are giving to you. It could be just a really like light touch.
14:59 Or the way we look at you. Or just like look at you with tender eyes. And your and guys are going like oh like whoa does she like what is she saying to me?
15:07 And she’s like just being nice. Right? Right? Cases. Peppy Le Pew. Or umm it’s a chick with red hair. Umm Jessica Rabbit.
15:16 They can just look at you. And tell you they’re into you romantically as well. So this is tough guys. Right?
15:24 It’s tough to be in this situation where you’re trying to decipher what’s whether she’s being nice or whether she’s actually interested in you.
15:28 There’s a lot of reasons why women are gonna be nice. And again, go back to that initial measure that I spoke about which is if she’s interested in you, you’re going to have multiple positive situations with hair.
15:41 Where is your- she’s just being polite. Those things are going to fizzle out and fade. Now, I did want to get to this point of the show where I talk about signs that she is in fact interested in you as more than just friends.
15:52 So of course the big marker there that I mentioned is the time piece. But what about other signs? For you guys to know whether this girl that you’ve seen or bumped into or you’re talking to or you’re getting to know is actually interested in you as more than just a friend.
16:11 Okay, so the first sign is going to be that she is going to Thank you. Show interest in your personal life.
16:19 Over more than one conversation. Okay, because a woman can show interest in your personal life because she’s being nice or because she wants to be your friend, right?
16:28 And even if she wants to be your friend, she’s going to show interest in your personal life. Multiple times, because a good friend would do that.
16:35 Which is why as I go through these signs of whether a woman is interested in you as more than just friends, you need more than one of these signs to exist.
16:45 You can’t just go, oh she’s shown interest in my personal life. She’s into me romantic- no. She’s has to show interest in your personal life over more than one conversation and one of these other signs or more than one of these other signs.
16:58 So the next one is going to be she over time wants to get closer to you. She wants- to touch you.
17:07 You notice that maybe in date number two or date number three or the third time you bump into each other in the office or in the environment you’re in or the yoga class that she’s getting closer to you.
17:19 Her comfort to your physical proximity. The gap is uh is narrowing and she wants to be near you. I remember on my first date with my current partner we went to a restaurant outside it was a nice patio and we kind of sat across it was a round table.
17:39 So we were generally across from each other but as the evening progressed and my uh desire and feelings towards my partner grew through conversation and mutuality and having fun our chairs got closer together.
17:56 And eventually as cheeky as he was he put his hand on my leg and I didn’t pull away. So the gap in our proximity narrowed throughout the evening because I was finding myself more and more attracted to this person, my current partner.
18:11 So, touch. Can uh the the proximity is going to narrow. Now for some women touches they something that they’re maybe not as comfortable with so you can’t read into this too quick and too early but you’re going to notice that that’s going to become a part of the dynamic.
18:27 Now if she’s interested in you as a friend. End. She may still touch you but it’s definitely going to be a non-sexual kind of touch.
18:34 Right. So it’s not going to last for very long. It’s not going to linger. It’s not going to maybe be in some of those sensitive areas.
18:41 So another sign that a woman is interested in you as more than just friends is she. He compliments you. Physically compliments you.
18:50 I love your hair cut. I love your shoulders. You look really great. Like I love that outfit. But she’s also going to compliment you about your wider life.
18:58 I just love talking to you. I just feel such an ease when I’m with you. I just think. Like your hobbies are so cool.
19:05 I’m really proud of that you decided to change careers. You sound like you have a really nice family. She’s going to give compliments to you about who you are as an individual because that’s an indication that she likes who you are as an individual.
19:18 She’s wild by you. Impressed. By you, um, excited to be in your presence, right? So she will compliment you about your physicality and your wider life, right?
19:30 A woman is also going to remember little details about your conversation. So let’s say you’re on a first day, you’re having a first interaction and you tell her something kind of unique about, you know, the fact that your dog is a rescue dog.
19:44 But you don’t go into the big story about it, you just breeze over it and you just mention it’s a rescue dog.
19:48 So you say the detail once. And four conversations later, four meetings later. Later she brings that up again. She’s like, oh yeah, I remember you saying that it was a rescue dog will tell me more.
19:59 What’s the story? And you’re gonna go, shit. She remembered that. I only said it so briefly. And that’s gonna make you feel good.
20:06 And that’s her intention. She wants you to feel good. She’s remembering these details because she- she cares and is putting effort in to get to know you and to remember these things.
20:15 So this is a really good sign. It makes both people feel good. It’s definitely something you should do to a woman as well if you want to indicate you’re interested in her.
20:23 Now two more signs. I want you guys to be aware of that, um, a woman And is interested in you as more than just friends.
20:30 Remember you need a combination of these and they need to exist over time. Okay. Um, she’s going to mirror your body language.
20:37 I love this one. Mirroring is is really important. So mirroring is let’s say the Who of you are, uhm, you’re having dinner.
20:48 And again you’re across from each other in this dinner setting. And you’re, you’re really chill. You’re really lean back in your body posture.
20:58 And she is going to uh. Slowly adjust herself. Not obviously, not abrupt to leave. But over time, if she actually likes you and is feeling in sync with you and feeling comfortable with you, you’ll notice her body is going to shift into a similar position as yours.
21:16 Alright, she’s going to start mirror. I eat gently copying your body language. She may also do this with your tone.
21:25 So if you like get into a serious part of a story and you’re more engaged and captivated and she’s going to be like oh tell me more.
21:34 She’s going to match that. She’s going to match your body language. She’s going to mirror you. And mirroring creates comfort and familiarity.
21:43 You’re actually becoming in tune with each other because you can imagine the opposite scenario where you’re really lean bad but she’s like.
21:51 You know really like closed off and timid. There’s, there’s, there’s distance between you. There’s umm, there’s a lack of harmony between you two.
22:01 So mirroring is really a really important one to look out for. And it’s something for you guys to be aware of too is if you want a woman to feel comfortable.
22:08 of all. You might also just be somewhat consciously aware of mirroring her body language. Not obviously, not copying movement for movement.
22:17 Umm cause that’s gonna be really awkward to be honest. But just that gently mirroring if she has her hands on the table.
22:25 Sitting with her umm with her chin supported by her arm. You may end up doing that at some point too to mirror the body language.
22:33 And I noticed that with my my clients on zoom a lot is umm unconsciously at this point. We search kinda mirror each other’s body language and it creates discomfort from this.
22:42 In reality. Across the zoom Sasha. So woman is going to do this. She’s not even necessarily going to be aware of it but it’s going to be something that happens as she gets more and more comfortable with you.
22:52 Now she’s doing that. She’s showing interest in your personal life. She’s also complimenting you. She wants to touch you. Umm.
22:59 You’re getting the signs now that she’s interested in you as more than just friends. And the last one. Um, hugely important one, right?
23:08 If she is going to share interest in spending time with you alone. She’s gonna want to spend time with you alone.
23:16 She’s gonna want to do that if she’s comfortable with you and if she’s interested in you romantically. Right? So she’s going to say yes I would like to go out on that date.
23:24 Or yeah I absolutely love to go for a hike. Or you know what after my work event or the work drinks lets the two of us go grab dinner.
23:33 Friends, we’ll do that too. But last likely, right? So she’s interested in spending time with you alone. So these are the signs that she’s interested in you as more than a friend but you need to be present.
23:46 Uhm, you need to be aware and present that and present. But these things need to exist over more than one interaction.
23:54 Because I’ve been in a work office where I’ve shown interest in someone’s life and I’ve touched their arm and I’m like you look great today.
24:01 Um and I’m like, isn’t that the thing you told me last time? And I’m mirroring your body language. But probably I’m not gonna just jump to go spend alone time with them.
24:10 I’m being polite, I’m being flirtatious, I’m being friendly. All for the the kind of intention of common harmony and having fun.
24:17 That does not mean romantic interest. Um but if I’m touching this person over and over again and now I want to spend alone time with them and I’m still remembering all these little details from our conversation and I’m complimenting this person over and over when I see them.
24:31 That’s totally different. So I hope this was helpful for you guys today. Um to be to be aware that you know.
24:39 Kindness and flirtation is not always a romantic intention and that’s sometimes tricky to kind of unravel but hopefully today’s video, today’s podcast is making you go okay.
24:51 Like these are some things I’m gonna be looking out for. Do they exist more than once? Um because the last The thing you want to do is get over excited um and read the signs incorrectly and put yourself into a tricky situation socially or just romantically where you build up expectations and then get
25:10 let down. So thank you very much for tuning in and for watching today’s podcast. On YouTube, if that is where you’re finding this video and look forward to bringing you guys some more content again next week.
25:22 Ciao!
