Today, we’re diving into how to overcome the fear of rejection and transform your dating life into a fun and enjoyable experience. Whether you’re getting back into dating after a divorce or a long-term relationship, understanding the root causes of rejection anxiety and learning strategies to manage it will help you attract amazing partners. We’ll explore mindset shifts, the role of evolutionary instincts, emotional residue from past relationships, and ways to build emotional resilience. By the end of this episode, you’ll have practical tips to reframe rejection and approach dating with confidence and ease.
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Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence project. I’m your host, Kimberly in the men’s life dating and relationship coach. And what are we talking about today? We’re talking about how you can overcome the fear of rejection. So that you can experience fun lightheartedness playfulness, and just enjoy the dating experience and not be held back by this fear of rejection.
So, especially guys, if you are dating again, after a legal separation, a divorce, the end of a longterm significant or emotionally charged relationship, you’re probably dating and you’re noticing, Hey, my feelings, emotions. Are a lot more triggered than if you were maybe out there dating for the first time.
Now I’m going to be talking about how you can understand some of the root causes of this fear of rejection, because understanding maybe its origins is going to help you understand how you contain it or what strategies that you are going to want to use. And then of course, I’m going to talk about how you can overcome this [00:01:00] fear of rejection. Uh, and a lot of this has to do with your mindset and how you process and reprocess events and thoughts and situations.
So we’re going to be diving into that today. So stay tuned all the way to the end so that you understand what strategies that you can try. So honestly, you can just have fun dating. You can attract amazing women and really learn how to reframe the idea of rejection. So that dating doesn’t feel so ominous and heavy and. Awful. It can actually feel fun.
Believe it or not dating should be fun. Right. So if it’s not feeling fun, uh, Uh, or you’re just feeling like you’re facing setback after setback. Then this video is definitely for you now. Understanding the root cause of the fear of rejection is pretty important. And there’s about five things that I want to mention here.
Now, the first is we have this evolutionary survival instinct built into us. Now it seems a little strange that we’re still maybe reacting in that way and modern day, 2024. But back when there weren’t so many people on the [00:02:00] planet, And if we were not involved in a tribe or a social group, um, that was crucial for our survival.
So if we didn’t fit in or we are outed from that group, it pretty much meant near death or tshirt death, because you were going to get eaten by a saber tooth tiger. Right? You needed to be in a group for, uh, protection and safety. And so even rejection today, which is nothing like what it would have been a thousand years ago. It’s still going to trigger those survival instincts within you. Um, making it feel really threatening when that happens.
And that means you’re going to be having a very big emotional response to rejection, even though the rejection you might be dealing with today is not a kin to what it would have been. Um, you know, a thousand years ago, as humans have evolved, that’s still. Built into your biology. So understand that it’s really natural part. Um, of dating.
When you face a rejection to feel a [00:03:00] certain way, it’s just inbuilt in you. It’s inbuilt and everybody now, of course, if you are dating again, after a significant relationship has ended, or, you know, you’ve gone through a divorce, which is, you know, usually a very emotional and trying time for men and for women. You’re going to be carrying some emotional residue, right?
You can’t necessarily get away from that. Maybe that’s a nicer way of saying you might have a little bit of emotional baggage. Now, if you’ve experienced significant breakups or divorce than fear of rejection may feel intensified for you because it’s going to bring up memories of past loss. Past perceive relationship failure. And it’s going to lead to a heightened fear response for you.
So the stakes feel high, you know what it feels like when things don’t go really well. And that’s an awful feeling. To be familiar with. So as you’re out there dating, you’re going to have this emotional residue [00:04:00] that might just rear its ugly head. A very inconvenient time. Say when a woman doesn’t text you back. Or when she decides she doesn’t want to continue seeing you, or in many cases with the men that I work with, you might be six months or eight months into a relationship with a woman and you think things are going really well.
And then she pulls the ripcord on you and you’re going, what the heck just happened. I’m feeling this immense fear of rejection and loss and everything from my past is now flooding in at a highly inconvenient time. So this is feeling really overwhelming. For you. So emotional residue is going to do that.
Emotional baggage will rear its ugly head at inconvenient times. Now there’s also the factor of our self-worth and identity, which can be tied to external validation. So especially you guys, man, you’re raised to look at, um, Your own beliefs around masculinity and self-worth, and it becomes externally [00:05:00] dependent in some cases.
So it might be that you feel a strong sense of self worth. When you get a certain kind of female. Acceptance. And that is going to make fear of rejection. Feel like a really big threat to your own personal value. If you’re not getting the acceptance from women that you’re seeking it from, right. That’s going to then cause you to rethink, Hey, am I worth it?
What’s wrong with me. You’re going to internalize things. You’re going to look inwards and say, What is inherently wrong with me that I’m not getting what I so desire or crave and want externally from this other person. And we’re going to talk a little bit about that later on in this show. So that can make a fear of rejection, really feel like a big threat to your personal value.
Um, if your self-worth is in fact tied to, uh, acceptance love or something else that you might be seeking in the form of validation from women that [00:06:00] you’re dating now, honestly, guys might just be dating some of the wrong women now. Of course, there’s also this perfectionist mindset. And this fear of making mistakes.
So if you’re watching this video and you consider yourself a successful man, right? You’re a high achieving man. You’ve, you’ve done things in your life. You’ve traveled, you’ve run businesses. You’ve sold businesses. Maybe you’re really highly educated. Doesn’t mean. You might not struggle with women. Right.
High achieving guys like yourself, watching this video might actually approach dating. With the same kind of need for success that you may have had in your professional life. And maybe you’re going to be viewing rejection. Simply as a failure. Instead of a natural part of the dating process, right. Which is going to amplify. Your fear of rejection.
Now that fear might be so great that you guys don’t even approach a woman. Don’t even say, hello, don’t even send a message. Don’t even start the process because you’re so [00:07:00] overwhelmed by. What if it doesn’t go well, what if she rejects me? What if I don’t achieve what I’m looking for? So I’m not even going to bother trying in the first place.
So there’s this perfectionism and fear of making mistakes that might be holding you back, especially if you already would consider yourself a high achiever or another areas of life. Now, of course, guys, there’s also the internalized beliefs that you’re going to have about masculinity, about success, societal expectations, about how men interact with women and about your own. Masculinity.
So if you get rejected by a really attractive woman, it’s going to feel like a blow to your desirability, to yourself perception. And then it’s going to make recovering from rejection really challenging. Um, when you view. The non attention, right? That you’re getting from a woman as a hit to your belief about yourself and how much of a man you might feel in that moment.
So these are all the sources that are going to amplify [00:08:00] your fear of rejection. Maybe you actually. I feel like, Hey, like all of those things feel like they’re relating to my situation or maybe one feels stronger than the other. It’s really good to have an understanding of where some of your. Fear is coming from so that you can learn how to tame it, how to deal with that.
And that’s what I want to talk about next, which is strategies to actually overcome this fear of rejection. And you’re going to spend time on this guys, because if you don’t deal with that fear of rejection, then it is going to stop you from, uh, taking particular actions that are going to lead to the type of relationship you want.
It might stop you from sending messages or saying hello, or, you know, trying to navigate through what can sometimes feel like a complicated situation with a woman. Or you’re just not going to try or you’re going to give up. Um, because you think, Hey, like I can’t deal with, uh, another rejection. I can’t handle this anymore.
Right. If you say you can’t and you’re not going to be able to, so it’s really about. Reframing rejection [00:09:00] as a redirection. Okay. So instead of viewing.
Rejection or one woman that doesn’t give you the attention you want, or a series of women that maybe they don’t give you the attention you want, you think, okay.
That’s just a outright. Failure. I’m a failure as a man. I’m a failure dating, modern dating doesn’t work for me. I can’t use dating apps, et cetera, et cetera. You might tell yourself all of these things, but I want you guys to view rejection as a guiding force towards better alignment. Okay. It sounds like something from star wars.
I want you to, I used to think of rejection as a guiding force towards better alignment, because I want you to be focusing on the possibilities rather than taking rejection as a reflection of yourself. Self worth. You might be getting rejected from women and it feels awful, but I guarantee you, those women are not the right women for you, and you may actually need to reassess what kind of partner you’re looking for.
And maybe some of your [00:10:00] expectations, um, around the types of women that you typically go for as well. So I want you to reframe rejection as a redirection. Right. People that have a really fixed mindset with rejection will just automatically view rejection as a failure, as a limit of their abilities.
You say, if this person has rejected me, I can, everybody is going to reject me. Right. We start to. Uh, create all or nothing thinking around, uh, maybe, uh, an experience you’ve had with a woman. So again, let’s reframe rejection as redirection. She’s just not the right one for you and believe you me.
There are a lot of women out there that would be a better fit than a woman that might be really attractive, but just isn’t giving you the right vibes. Isn’t emotionally available. Isn’t seeing your worth. That’s not a reflection of your worth. If she doesn’t see it. Your worth is as derived by, um, your own internal self belief.
So I also want you to think about shifting from outcome focused to a process focus mindset. This is huge. This is a [00:11:00] really, really big shift that you guys can make. Now, I want you to think. Instead of, can I get her number? Did I get her number? Did I have the exact experience I wanted to have talking to this woman in the grocery store, the coffee store or the yoga class?
Whatever I want you to move from the outcome. I E expecting a yes or a relationship to develop with this woman. Then enjoying the present interaction. This is going to ease pressure. It’s going to enhance your confidence. You focus on curiosity, the moment with somebody versus where is it leading as soon as you think I have to have a particular outcome, so much stress and pressure gets invited into the moment.
And you think I have to say something per perfect. You focus on impressing someone versus actually being in the moment. And women sniff this out really easily, right? If. If a man comes and approaches me and all he cares about is getting my number. I sense that because he’s angling for it. And if someone’s angling for something from me, I don’t, I don’t want that energy around me.
I was like, what are [00:12:00] you expecting for me? I don’t even know you. Right. But what about a really friendly interaction with someone that just pays me a compliment or just wants to. Uh, mention an anecdote about the weather or compliments on my dog. That’s really enjoyable to have just a present moment focused conversation that could absolutely lead to a number exchange or something more meaningful, but you just can’t get that from a micro interaction.
So. Focus on process focused, not outcome focused guys. Okay. Now practicing self-affirmations and inner validation is huge. A lot of guys skip this sounds a little. Woo. Woo. Um, maybe too spiritual for some people, but honestly, building a habit of validating yourself. Knowing that you are a great man that you have a lot to offer this world and talking to yourself kindly. Um, is going to lessen that dependency on getting external approval or wanting a woman to say the right thing to you so that you can feel good that day. Right.
It’s like, this is a [00:13:00] S a little bit of an interesting analogy, but it’s like, when. Women or men have eating disorders. Okay. Right. They literally get up in the morning and stand on a scale. And if that scale is not five pounds down from yesterday, it ruins the entire day ahead. Right. So all of a sudden your, your self-worth is dependent on a number on a scale.
You guys. I do the same thing with women. Your self worth is dependent on, Hey, did you wake up to some likes on hand or did you get that message back from the girl you asked out or did you get that smile or did an attractive woman look at you and. You become so dependent on the external validation of women, um, that you, you don’t know how to fill your own cup up, right. So practicing self-affirmation inner validation is huge.
It allows you to maintain yourself worth despite whatever is going on in your dating life. And that is hugely important. And of course you guys want to focus on building emotional resilience through exposure as well. Right? So instead of [00:14:00] just saying to yourself, Hey, I got it this week, you know, talk to the most attractive woman or I have to find a relationship. Stop all that stop the outcome dependent stuff and focus on engaging in lower stakes social interactions to just desensitize yourself to rejection.
Right? It’s a little bit of that exposure therapy. So just have some anecdotal conversations with women. Don’t expect everything to go perfectly. In fact, expect a little bit of rejection, and then you’re going to be pleasantly surprised when that doesn’t happen. So. Engaging in those low stakes social interactions will just help you desensitize to rejection.
You’re not going to perceive it as the end of the world. It’s just something that happens to everybody. Throw all courses of life. Um, and it’s going to help. Build your resilience. And reduce the emotional impact of dating rejection. When you realize that rejection redirection is just a part of everybody’s life, whether you’re dating, whether you’re building a business. Um, guys, I’m sure you’ve had setbacks or rejection in your professional [00:15:00] life.
And how did you deal with those? Right. Did you completely end your career throw all your toys in the air or did you take some feedback? Maybe it was a redirection to a different job or to a different career field or to a different position, or maybe you realize that you didn’t vibe with that manager and you needed to make a different choice. That’s the same thing, the same way I want you to perceive rejection. In dating is that it’s a redirection. Uh, to potentially a woman or D not just potentially to a woman, to a woman that actually is aligned with you, not one that is giving you feedback, that there is a misalignment there.
So. A little bit of exposure just in low stake environments, whether that’s networking or other areas of your life. Um, or just sending that message on a dating app and not really expecting anything from it. You’re going to say like, Hey, at least I tried and I’m happy to put myself out there and I’m not dependent on whether that woman texts me back so that I can feel good about myself today.
Okay. Now, of course, you’re going to want to reflect on any of the like limited beliefs that [00:16:00] you have around women around dating such as, like, I need a woman’s acceptance to be worthy, or I have to have a relationship at this point in my life, or my friends are gonna see me as less than, or whatever it might be.
I want you guys to think about how you can reframe rejection to allow for a much more liberated dating experience, right? Like. You know, I’m enjoying my journey to find true law, or I’d love the opportunity to go on dates with different people and, and learn more about myself in the process. If you adopt a mindset like this, you’re going to actually enjoy the process, right?
If any of you guys out there played golf, you know that if you have a bad swing on the very first hole, you could ruin your entire next four hours. The mindset is what gets you through that game with enjoyment and fun without throwing your toys in the air or breaking your club and throwing it in the pond.
Right. So the last thing I want to say here is that normalizing. Rejection, um, is really important perspective. Shifts how you, again, use your mindset to process [00:17:00] and reprocess events is going to hugely hugely tank change. The experience you have with dating perceived rejection, the fear of rejection.
This is a universal experience in dating. Yes, some men experience more rejection with women than other men, but, uh, it’s really important to understand that rejection is a universal experience, um, and reduce its weight. On you by understanding it’s not a personal failure, it’s a misalignment, it’s a redirection.
Understand the origin of where your fear rejection is coming from so that you can work through it. If it’s triggered by the loss of a prior relationship, you may need to hone in on dealing with some of that emotional residue, right? Or if you understand that it’s really driven by that biological factor than a little bit exposure therapy is going to help you understanding its origin will help tune in your strategy so that you guys can go out there.
Have fun dating, have better experiences, not take everything so heavily. Um, be a little [00:18:00] lighthearted, enjoy the journey to finding your special somebody. Because at the end of the day, it only takes one woman. And one guy to figure it out and have an amazing relationship. It doesn’t take all 100 of them that you message. Uh, hopefully this has been an important and valuable. Uh, podcasts and YouTube video for you guys.
I love to hear your comments below and what has worked for you to kind of overcome rejection. How maybe some exposure therapy or different strategies have helped you share it with others that want to learn from this? Uh, let me know what you think about the episode and look forward to another one next week.
Take care for now.
