Most men think they’re ready for love after a divorce, but they might just be avoiding loneliness or boredom. In this episode, I’ll help you find out if you’re truly ready for a meaningful relationship. We’ll explore signs indicating you’re ready to date and signs that more healing and self-reflection might be needed. Stay tuned for five crucial questions to ask yourself before diving back into the dating pool.
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Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Most men think that they are ready for love after a divorce, but the truth is they are just dating to avoid loneliness or boredom. So let’s see if you are actually ready for something real. Now I get it. Divorce is incredibly tough. It is very financially draining. It’s socially difficult. It shakes. An average person’s confidence, pretty darn good.
And dating again, well that’s pretty overwhelming for the modern person. But the worst mistake you can make guys is rushing into a relationship before you are actually So today I’m going to be sharing with you signs that you are genuinely ready to date, to find a partner, to go have an amazing relationship.
And I’m also going to be sharing signs that you are simply not ready to be dating. And that’s okay. It just means a little self reflection and some healing [00:01:00] needs to take place first. Now you’re going to want to say to the end of today’s video, because I’m going to give you Five really important questions you want to be asking yourself to determine.
If you are in fact ready to get out there and date. Now, welcome to this channel. This is a self confidence project. And my name is Kimberly Hill. I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. And my mission is to support good hearted men to attract and get into deeply loving relationships. The truth is a lot of the work I do with men, is really helping them to process, reflect, and heal, and then build a strategy for successful dating.
Because it is simply my intention for men to get into deeply loving relationships, not just any relationship. So if you are navigating dating, modern dating and finding it really overwhelming and frustrating and you’re overthinking elements, little self doubt is creeping into the process or maybe you’re noticing a lot of anxiety, then I welcome you to book a complimentary dating strategy call with me.
We’ll chat, we’ll get to know each other. We’ll see if coaching’s right for you. So you can be like my other. clients who are now in deeply loving relationships, or they are simply enjoying dating because it feels like a great extension of a life they are already satisfied in. Now let’s dive into today’s content because last week I actually talked about how you can determine whether you have a great intimate partner.
But what if you are simply not even ready for intimacy yet? And I think this is something that doesn’t get talked about very often, especially from dating coaches who are simply out there saying, who cares if you’re ready or not, buy my program. So I’m going to tell you how you can date and be successful.
But the truth is maybe there’s a little bit of work or consideration that needs to take place before you do all the dating. Stuff. Now let’s start off with the positive signs. So these are some green flags, men, that you are truly ready for love. So grab your [00:03:00] pen and paper because you might want to actually note these things down.
Now, the first is you feel whole on your own. Okay. How do you, how do you determine whether you feel whole or not? Well, here’s a good question. Do you feel satisfied in your life? Do you feel fulfilled in your life? If you have built a routine that actually excites you, Maybe that’s hitting the gym, picking up a hobby or deepening your friendships and you’re not looking for a woman to rescue you from boredom or loneliness, then this is a really wonderful sign that you are ready to date and to find an intimate partner because it’s really important that you are satisfied in your life and feel whole.
First, right now, I’m not saying that you are ecstatically happy every single day or fully blissful in every single area of your life or Every [00:04:00] dimension of your life is perfect. That’s baloney, right? Nobody is ever feeling that way or it feels like their life is completely perfect in every, every aspect, but you need to be feeling whole on your own.
This means when you do get out there and date, you’re not looking for a woman to rescue you from insecurity or boredom or loneliness. You’re looking for a woman to share a life with, and it’s a life that you already Huge green flag. If you’re feeling complete on your own guys, check, right?
Okay. Secondly, you recognize that your self esteem is not tied to external validation.
So this is a really beautiful sign. If you’re dating because you really. Or saying to yourself, I really would like to connect with somebody. Not, I really need to connect to somebody or I’m struggling and I need this person because that’s just going to then make everything in my life feel better. Um, that’s a really, really big distinction.
Self esteem is [00:05:00] not tied to the success in dating or relationships or women. It’s I want to date because I want to connect with somebody. So instead of stressing over the question, does this woman like me? You know, does this woman I’m talking to see me for who I truly am and does she accept me and love me?
You’re actually asking the question. Is this woman a good fit for me? This, my friends, is a very huge shift. And I didn’t realize this when I was initially dating before I met my current partner. I often be like, does he like me? Does he like me? Does he like me? Does he like me? Not is this Man, a good fit for me.
That’s just like a real different power move, a really different place to be coming from. And I remember needing to seek some coaching and therapy myself. And this is what essentially the coach said to me. She went, Kimberly, you don’t know enough to be certain. Like wake the heck up here. [00:06:00] You’re operating from this place of like needing this person to like you versus feeling like I like my life.
And is this person a good fit for me? That’s a tremendous shift, guys. So if you are noticing. That you’re asking, Hey, is this person a good fit for me? And that’s a really good sign that your self esteem is not tied to external validation or to dating. And that’s a really good green flag that you are ready to meet someone new and to get out there and date and form a connection.
Now, of course, a green flag guys is that you People have actually processed your past relationship, your past pain, your past, uh, marriage without bitterness. And you’re not talking about your ex with resentment. You’re not blaming her for everything. You’re actually owning your role in that relationship.
And you can do that like without getting really flooded with emotion. So if somebody actually asks you about your divorce or a [00:07:00] woman on a date asks you about your divorce, you’re like, You can talk about it in a really calm way without your nervous system getting super fired up. You’re not ranting about how this woman ruined your life, right?
You’re actually at a place where you’ve already thought about it, you’ve processed it, and now you’re ready to move on. You can talk about it without getting emotionally Intense. Okay. Now another really positive sign, guys, is that you are simply comfortable being vulnerable again. It means you’re not afraid of emotional intimacy.
You can express your feelings without fear of being judged or rejected. And you’re willing to kind of go deep and have real conversations with women instead of, Trying to play it cool or keeping things surface level or trying to do a certain thing to be perceived a certain way. You’re actually just comfortable with who you are in your life and how you talk about things.
And again, it’s about seeking that connection versus seeking for something to be fulfilled [00:08:00] in your life. Like a lot of analogies out there. It’s like, Oh, I just need to find my. It’s like missing puzzle piece. It’s like, no, no, no, it’s not, we don’t want to be dating from a place of I’m lacking something.
I’m missing something. It’s like, no, I like my life and now I want to share it with somebody. And that’s so much more of a positive mindset to go and date from. So If those things sound like you, congratulations, my handsome, handsome single man, you are in a good place. But if you’re not, that’s okay. Let’s talk about why some men rush into dating and into intimate relationships before they are Ready.
Now these are the red flags guys. Now, this is where many, many men get stuck. And a lot of dating coaches just skip over this part and start teaching you dating tactics and dating strategy. But what really needs to be addressed is how you’re feeling, what’s going on in your body and your mindset and your [00:09:00] attitudes and, and your beliefs around dating.
That’s doesn’t sound as sexy, but that’s really important guys. So, The signs that you’re not ready to be intimate with somebody new or even to be setting up a dating profile, guys, is number one, you are escaping loneliness. If you are dating because you feel empty, it’s a huge red flag. Relationships should be adding to your life, not be a bandaid.
So if you feel restless, you’re uncomfortable, anytime you are single, you’re craving constant attention or validation, This is a red flag and you should not be dating. Number two, you are trying to prove something to your ex. Not a good thing to be doing. If you’re dating to make a woman feel jealous or you’re like, I’m going to show her what she lost.
Then you’re not dating for you. You’re dating for your ego. And that means if you’re posting on [00:10:00] social media about your hot dates or you know, you’re genuinely tracking your ex’s behavior and seeing whether or not she’s looking at your stuff or involved in your life. That is not moving on. That is called a performance.
Okay. So that’s a massive red flag. You’re not ready to be moving on when you’re still thinking about what your ex thinks about you and you’re trying to show her you’re somebody that you’re not, right? That is dating from a place of ego. Now, the third red flag guys is that you are using intimacy as a distraction, not always physical, but sometimes emotional intimacy.
But let’s say you are noticing that hookups feel really good for you in the moment. But you’re jumping from one woman, one fling to another, then you might actually just be avoiding the real healing you need to do that is actually going to get you the relationship you desire. So the red flag behavior here, guys, is that you are chasing [00:11:00] this physical connection, but you’re actually avoiding The emotional depth or all the other pieces that come with a genuine relationship.
And lastly, red flag numero cuatro is you haven’t done any self reflection. I literally ask you, have you actually reflect, spent conscious time reflecting on your prior relationship? You’re like, no, it’s been over for a while. I mean, I told myself this same story too. I got out of a very, emotional long term relationship.
And like months later, I met somebody and my, my line to anyone that asks, like, are you sure you ready? Or aren’t you hurting Kim? And I was like, no, no, no. You guys like. That relationship was over a year ago. I knew it was coming. Like, we were on our way out. B. S. Calling B. S. on myself. In fact, my dad, he’s the one that spotted it.
He goes like, are you sure you [00:12:00] like process? And I was like, convinced him. Swore I convinced someone. No, no, no, no. Like, these are all the reasons why you don’t need to worry about me and that I’m totally ready. Well, if you find yourself doing that, maybe you should not make the same mistake as me. Um, do some self reflection because what I realize and what I messed up It was when I jumped into that next relationship when I was not ready at all, was I actually ruined a really good opportunity for a great friendship because I pushed the romantic side of it and thought like, no, I’m ready for something new.
I was actually coming from a place of loneliness, boredom, desperation, hurt, pain, all of those things. I was totally avoiding. And because of that, I missed out on like building a genuine friendship with a man, um, because I made a wrong choice. And it’s because I just didn’t do any self reflection. So if you are out there and you were saying the same thing, like, no, the relationship has been over for a while, but you [00:13:00] literally only recently broke up and you haven’t reflected on anything.
You’re just going to do what I did. And you’re going to go repeat the same patterns with a new person, despite how different they are in their personality. Um, because you don’t fix what you don’t. heal and relationships end the same way. So it’s a harsh truth, but if you see yourself in these red flags and.
That’s okay. Like it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means that you actually had something significant that you need to process. That’s part of the human experience. And that’s something that you can do in coaching. As often what I end up doing at the very beginning with most of my clients is just kind of testing their readiness.
Because if you want to be successful in dating, you want to really find someone, something meaningful and someone really special in your life. And you can’t avoid doing the hard work. You can’t avoid doing that kind of stuff. That’s so, so important. And that’s going to get you to your [00:14:00] result faster than Buying the next dating course that promises to just expedite your results with women while actually skipping over the fundamental work that you need to do.
It’s the harsh truth. So if you’ve stuck with me to this point in the video, then here is your little self checklist to determine if you are actually ready. Now, before you guys jump into another relationship with a beautiful woman, ask yourself these five questions, pen and paper, guys. Number one, do you feel confident and secure being single?
Do you feel confident and secure being single? It’s a yes or no question. Do you feel emotionally available and open to giving and receiving love? Because I know you guys have really big hearts and it’s like, Oh, I’ve got so much love to give. I also ask [00:15:00] if you are open to receiving the love from somebody.
That’s a part that we shut off a lot. Okay. Thirdly, are you drawn to women for who they are, not just for what they can give you? Are you drawn to women for who they are, not just for what they can give you? Fourth question. Are you setting standards for your next relationship? Or are you just hoping someone picks you?
It’s like, that was me. I was like the queen of that mistake. Are you setting standards for your next relationship? Are you just hoping somebody picks you? And lastly, guys, do you feel excited about dating rather than highly anxious? Or pressured. Now, pressure can also be time bound. Are you like, I just need to date someone because if I don’t, time is running out and I’m going to die.
Like, that’s a [00:16:00] genuine thought. Like, if I don’t meet someone now, I’m going to die. And be alone forever. That is It’s a really unhealthy pressure to start the foundation of a successful dating journey. Do you feel excited about dating? Or are you feeling anxious and pressured? If you can honestly say yes to these questions, you’re likely in a really good place.
And dating is probably going to feel relatively smooth and natural for you. A few little hiccups along the way as you Figure out your dating groove and your partner selection. But it’s so important you guys that you focus on personal growth first. Now the best relationships happen when you are already feeling whole and when you are certain versus when you are searching for somebody to fix you.
So be honest. Are you actually ready? Are you genuinely ready for all the levels of intimacy or do you simply need some time where you are consciously going to focus on healing [00:17:00] yourself? Drop a yes, drop a no, I’m not quite ready yet in the comments. This is a time to just genuinely be honest with yourself.
Um, and then I’d love for you guys to share something that you’ve learned from dating after divorce that is going to help other men that are watching this video. Let’s hear it in the comments because if this is hitting home for you, then please share it with someone who needs to hear this. This is the dating advice that is really needed, is really helping you understand whether or not you are ready to date.
So thank you very much for tuning into today’s episode. Uh, it’s always a pleasure to bring you guys content and look forward to seeing you all again next week. Ciao.
