In this episode of The Self-Confidence Project, I’m talking about the widespread and often misleading concept of being an ‘alpha male’ and what it means to be a ‘high value man.’ I am going to explain why these performative ideals are outdated and disconnected from what modern women actually want. The video delves into the true essence of high value, and I’ll also highlight how feminism has reshaped gender dynamics and what men can do to navigate modern relationships successfully. This episode provides actionable advice for men looking to build meaningful, lasting connections with women.
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Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Guys everywhere you look online, okay? You are being told to be an alpha male. You’re being told to be a high value guy. And honestly, I’m even guilty of using the term high value without realizing that a lot of people don’t. Understand what this truly means. And let’s be honest, most of what you’re seeing online has to do with being an alpha male or being a high value man is really performative.
It’s super outdated. It’s totally disconnected from what modern women are really wanting from men today, and it’s honestly confusing the heck out of people. So. What we’re really gonna be unpacking today is why this alpha male concept is based on myth, okay? What really is a high value man? What does that actually look like?
Not what TikTok is telling you, right? How feminism has changed what women are really wanting from men in relationships, and how men can rise to this without retreating from this. Right. [00:01:00] Why trying to control a woman or avoid her strength is going to backfire for you guys. And a couple takeaways that is really gonna shift how you show up as a man and help you achieve the kind of relationship you are genuinely wanting from women today.
Now, before I dive into this, if you’re new to this channel, welcome aboard. We talk all things life, dating and relationships. I am Kimberly Hill and I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. I help good hearted men just like yourself to navigate modern dating, attract amazing women, and go on to have deeply fulfilling relationships.
So if you are struggling in this area, if dating isn’t feeling right, you’re not attracting the right types of women, you don’t know what to do to set up your online profile, or you’re just kind of repeating bad experiences with women. Right then I welcome you to book a introductory call with me. We’ll get to know each other, see if coaching’s the right fit for you.
Um, and you can be like many of my clients that are having fun dating, that are making great memories and are going on to meet amazing women and get into deeply [00:02:00] loving. Relationships. Now, what is this deal with this high value man trend that we are seeing? Because this phrase high value man has blown up.
But I wanna talk about how poorly this is really defined online. Okay? The bad definition guys, of this is the, and the typical version that you see out there, um, and that’s being pushed by influencers, especially other guys, right? Is you gotta have money. You gotta get girls really easily. You gotta hit that gym and be a super buff, right?
You gotta have status, you gotta play it cool. And man, you better not show emotion. Okay? But here’s the reality. You can do all those things. And then you can still be totally emotionally unavailable in a relationship. You can be totally insecure, you can be totally avoidant, or you can just be straight up manipulative, right?
Performative masculinity means putting on a show. It means projecting strength. It means [00:03:00] projecting confidence or status without. Actually doing the internal work to embody that. So it looks powerful, but doesn’t connect to women, and it doesn’t create the respect or the intimacy that you’re actually after.
Guys, quick pause before we get back into it because if we are talking about a man who values himself, then let us please talk about something most guys overlook, which is. Their skin, and I understand that a lot of guys I work with, they feel really young in their body, especially if you’re staying very active.
But your skin is where aging will show up first. And because skin cell turnover will slow down as you age, it leads to a buildup of dead skin cells. Which makes you look a little grayish and a little flat, and women are gonna notice these things, and skincare is [00:04:00] self-care. It’s one of the simplest ways to just boost your confidence because it’s something you do every single day to take.
Care of yourself. So skip making the bed every morning and just do your skincare instead. Right? And because today’s video is sponsored by TJ Hanley, um, honestly, they make it very, very easy to start a skincare routine. No overthinking, just a very clean, simple routine that works guys. And right now, because they have sponsored today’s video, you can get 40.
Percent off your first box are gonna throw in an epic free gift for you. There’s two options to choose from. They’re both really great options. So guys, if this is not something that you, you know, you’re doing to take care of yourself, you might wanna consider it, especially if you’re getting up there in those numbers.
So hit that link below, take that first stab because honestly, looking good and feeling good starts with how you take care of yourself.
So let’s redefine high value because it’s actually really quiet and it’s really [00:05:00] grounded and it’s built on integrity. Do your words match your actions in life? It’s built on emotional maturity. Can you feel things without being overwhelmed all the time? Do you have the ability to lead empathetically? Do you have strong boundaries, standards for yourself?
Do you have open-hearted vulnerability? Do you have a clear purpose in your life? And you have the ability to actually connect with people, with women, not just perform. That’s what the real definition of high value is. It’s quiet, it’s grounded. It hasn’t anything to do with posturing and all that other superficial crap that will keep you distracted from having what you truly want.
And it’s the same thing here when everyone talks about. Being an alpha male, it’s like, [00:06:00] let’s clear this up. This idea of an alpha male comes from misinterpreted studies on wolves in captivity. Okay? The original scientists who coined the term actually retracted the term, so in nature alpha wolves. Don’t dominate through aggression.
They lead as parents of the pack with care and cooperation, but somewhere along the way. Alpha got twisted into controlled and dominance and emotional detachment and winning at all costs. And this version of masculinity and what men need to do to succeed with women is super brittle. Guys, it collapses under pressure because it actually doesn’t allow for emotional vulnerability or emotional nuance.
Now, a mature man, right? This new revised definition of high value, man, on the other hand, he leads with presence. Not pressure. He stays grounded [00:07:00] in tension, not just reacts, immaturely like a 6-year-old child. This is for both men and women. Mind you. And he can be firm without being controlling. This is the type of man who doesn’t feel he needs to constantly prove something to the world and to women, he just is.
He just is so much nicer to just be, because when you’re like, this guys genuinely like this, not performing to be like this either. Women feel safe, they feel respected, they’re so attracted to this kind of man because this kind of man brings clarity and depth and strength without power games, right? This is why you see rich, successful men that have status.
That are really good, like actors that are great at performing and why you look around and wonder why these guys just can’t seem to hold down a relationship because [00:08:00] it’s performative, right? You can have this status, you can have money, you can have the most chiseled body. But it doesn’t mean that you have the skills to be in a deeply meaningful relationship.
And relationships are struggling today, guys, because, well, modern dating is very tricky because gender roles have evolved. But emotional development hasn’t unfortunately kept pace with it. Now, thanks to feminism, which is a good and a bad thing in so many different ways, is that so many women now are highly independent.
We’re successful, we’re self-led, which is incredible. This, this is good stuff, right? But the challenge is that a lot of men. Don’t understand how to meet this new energy that women have so that they either try and do two things. They either try to, one, they try and overpower these women. Okay, cue this whole alpha performance, or [00:09:00] secondly, they don’t know what to do with this female energy, so they bow down to it completely.
Passivity the nice guy being accommodating all the time. Losing direction, losing polarity. I have another video on polarity if you wanna dive into this more deeply. So this is how this, these two strategies over trying to overpower it or bowing down to this new kind of era of feminine energy is going to backfire in your relationship.
You might be like, you know what? I don’t wanna have conflict with this woman, so I’m just gonna say, you know, whatever she wants. Right. Whatever you wanna order for dinner, wherever you wanna live, whatever you wanna do, whatever you wanna go on holiday, whatever you wanna buy for groceries, whatever you, wherever you wanna send the kids to school, wherever you wanna go on the date, whatever music you wanna listen to, whatever wine you wanna drink, whatever, whatever you want.
This woman, at first, it’s like, oh, that’s so nice. He’s so accommodating. Now I’m so exhausted because I’m making every [00:10:00] decision about every tiny little thing. How come this guy doesn’t care? Where’s his opinion? Right? So when you say whatever you want because you’re trying to avoid conflict, a woman just, she’ll lose respect and attraction for you because she feels like she’s in charge of everything.
Now, here’s the other alternative, guys. This backfires in a relationship. When you try and overperform or bow down to a woman’s energy, is that maybe you’re trying to fix her emotions, right? It’s like, oh, she feels a certain way. Let me problem solve. I’m gonna over. I’m gonna get in there and overpower it, and I’m gonna try and fix your emotions instead of just actually being.
Present with you because if you try and fix anybody’s emotion, your emotions, a woman’s emotions that you’re dating, people just feel so unseen when this happens. And here’s how. It’s also gonna backfire in your relationships, right? Maybe you’re like, oh, a woman’s made a decision, but I need to be like more self-led and more owl alpha, so [00:11:00] I’m just gonna assert control over this decision thinking that that’s what leadership is.
And so it’s like, no, we’re not doing that. We’re doing this ’cause like. I was told to be an alpha and like make decisions, but that’s not what decision making is. That’s not, sorry, what leadership is, right? So a woman is going to, you know what she’s gonna do, she’s gonna rebel, she’s gonna feel disrespected.
And if she doesn’t know how to manage that or have an appropriate conversation with you, which women need to learn to do better, what she’s going to do is get passive aggressive. Okay, she’s gonna have the darker manifestation of feminine energy coming out, which you’re not gonna like. It’s gonna be that controlling, catty, nitpicky, critical type of energy that gets, that women can bring out in themselves, and that can be brought out in relationships when you’re in a dynamic where you’re not attuned to one another, which is what we’re gonna talk about in a minute here.
So if you can’t offer stable masculine energy. A woman will stay in [00:12:00] her masculine energy to compensate, and you’re gonna have constant power struggles in your relationship. You’re gonna get to a point where you’re like, you know, I just feel like we’re kind of having like this roommate like dynamic, or this is my flatmate if you live in Australia, or there’s just this general lack of attraction or emotional safety.
So what do women want? We’re so complicated, right? What do women want? We don’t want you to be alpha. We certainly don’t want you to be mushy and gushy and soft. We just want you to be attuned. Just can you be attuned in a relationship. So what is attunement? Okay? ’cause I’m now using another word and you’re going, oh my God, what do women want?
Now they’re throwing out this other crazy word. I don’t know what to do. Attunement guys is just the ability to be deeply present with somebody, not just physically, but emotionally. It’s sensing what someone needs in a moment. It’s kind of that reading between the lines. It’s responding to your partner [00:13:00] with care and awareness and intention.
It means you can feel when a woman is pulling away or needs some space without getting defensive. You can notice when your partner is super overwhelmed, even if she’s smiling through it. You can read her tone and her energy and her expression, not just the words that she says. It’s the content underneath, right, and you can stay emotionally steady, even woman is not, and when a woman is not right.
Because a modern woman really wants to be with a man who can kind of read the moment a little bit, who can hold space for her emotional experience without collapsing, fixing, or controlling. Guys, you probably want the same thing. You want that sensitivity in the moment. And we want men that can lead with clarity, but stay open, not men that are controlling.
And yeah, we do want you to protect our wellbeing. We want [00:14:00] you to do that without posturing. We wanna protect you too. We wanna love you too. We want to connect to you. We want someone who is grounded, intuitive, emotionally present, not a guy who’s chasing status, who’s constantly performing, right? So feminism really did help women to step into more freedom, but it also made things like emotional depth.
Yeah. And safety even more essential in our romantic lives. So we want to be able to relax when we’re with you. And that only happens when you’re solid, not when you’re trying to perform and trying to impress us. We’re always trying to say the right thing. So what can you even do about this? I promise you.
Two takeaways when we started this video, and that’s. Firstly, let go of this alpha idea, this alpha fantasy that’s based on ego, that’s based on insecurity. It’s just going to sabotage your [00:15:00] relationship, or it’s gonna get you into the relationship with like the wrong, wrong women. Right? And secondly, stop chasing.
Checklists for yourself, right? The real goal isn’t to look high value. It’s actually to just become deeply rooted, emotionally mature, and purpose led. And that means doing the things that you love, guys, it means connecting with healthy men and healthy women. It means, you know. Reading and digesting information that supports your overall wellbeing so that you feel good from the inside out.
Not chasing a list of what do I need to wear, what do I need to do to be perceived as something that I don’t feel on the inside. It’s about leading with, um, control, right? Controlling oneself, being grounded, not performative. Being strong, not rigid. Being confident, not ego-driven. If you wanna be the kind of man that women genuinely [00:16:00] respect, that fosters the kind of relationships you’re really looking for, that allow women to trust you and feel drawn to you.
It doesn’t stare with flex in your muscles. It starts with having a really strong foundation into who you are. Performative masculinity, okay, gets a lot of attention in mainstream media, right? I can think of a lot of people that are. Running these podcasts and you know, B bashing their chest around and counting how many women they’ve slept with and all this stuff, performative masculinity.
It gets attention. Don’t get me wrong, you wanna do that. It’ll get you attention, but it’s not going to build the connection you want. It’s not just me as a woman saying this. Read books that pick up artists have written and then see later on how they wish they had never done that in their lives because they are struggling with connection.
Okay, true masculine energy is this grounded, steady, emotionally available man. So you wanna lead without control because [00:17:00] this is the key to modern relationships. The men who are winning in relationships today, not winning ’cause they’re trying to win, but are just having successful relationships, are not the men that are wanting to dominate.
They’re guiding, they’re listening. They’re standing tall in the face of feminine, wild energy without retreating or trying to overpower it. This is a big conversation. Alpha male, high value man. What it means to, to have the things that women are seeking. I’m not by any means telling you how to be a man in your own life.
But giving you insight into what the modern woman is really wanting to connect with, because it’s not the same as it was 50 years ago. Because women have really, really changed, and this is why modern women feel confusing because we’re not necessarily getting into a relationship because we have a traditional view of relationships.
Some women do. Some women just want a man who knows himself, who she can feel safe around, who’s consistent, [00:18:00] who knows how to take a leadership role in that relationship so she can relax and you can have that chemistry and sexual energy. And honestly, that starts with just knowing yourself better and enjoying your life more, and stop.
Focusing on things you need to do to impress other people all the time, because that is just an act and it takes you away from being who you truly are. So I would love to hear your thoughts on this really big subject that we’re talking about today. What has actually worked for you when it comes to just focusing on true characteristics and values?
And how that has led you to have successful relationships or comment what you really have are struggling with, or what kind of misinformation is out there that is making you think you need to do a certain thing to obtain a female affection. I would love to hear it all. I’d love to hear your thoughts and look forward to another episode next week, guys.
Chow.
