Welcome back to another episode of the Self Confidence Project. Today, we’re diving into why some women seem to chase emotionally unavailable men and what you can do to avoid getting caught in these situations. I’ll be sharing a true client story about a man who dated a woman for four years while legally separated, only to be left immediately after finalizing his divorce. We’ll explore the psychological reasons behind this behavior and I’ll provide insights on how to recognize these patterns and ensure you’re setting yourself up for a truly fulfilling relationship.
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Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the self confidence project. We’re going to be talking about why some women seem to enjoy chasing emotionally unavailable men. And if you have ever ended up in this situation, guys, I really want to help you understand how you can avoid wasting your time here.
And I’m going to be highlighting a client story of a man that went exactly through what I’m going to be talking about today. So why do women, interested in emotionally unavailable man, and guys, are you actually that emotionally unavailable man thinking that you’re Um, not. So imagine this, now this is, this is a true story.
Okay. This is the most shocking part of the story, which is a client of mine was dating a woman for not four months for four years. Okay. And in this four year relationship to understand the [00:01:00] situation, he was legally separated. So he had been married before he had two kids, he’s legally separated. He was living separately from his ex wife.
They just hadn’t. I’m finalize the divorce because as many of you guys know takes sometimes depending on your situation and depending on what you’re divvying up, depending on your lawyers, depending on your state law or country law, it can take some time to actually Bye bye. Sign the final divorce paper.
Now, does that mean that as an individual, you shouldn’t go out and open yourself up to meeting somebody new? Not necessarily, right? So you’re legally separated. So this client was legally separated, living apart from his ex wife, still going through, you know, the battle of divorce, but effectively he had met a new woman.
And he met this woman and she was incredibly affectionate. She was really excited about him. And everything was really going well. In fact, it was going well enough in his mind that they got to four years of dating. But [00:02:00] here’s the kicker. The day he signed his divorce papers, the day that his divorce was Finish, complete, fait accompli, pen on paper.
Boom. She’s out of his life. No warning, really no explanation. That really made sense to him. One day she is there. In fact, four years she is there. Then the divorce is finalized and poof, she is gone. What the heck happened here? Now this is not just an isolated case, guys. Many men go through this, especially men coming out of long term relationships.
Especially men that are legally separated or men that are finalized in their divorce. And so today we are going to break down why some women actually are interested in men that are truly emotionally unavailable and why these women will absolutely [00:03:00] run away or hightail when you are finally free. Or finally, I’m really emotionally available or finally emotionally present.
And most importantly, guys, I want to help you understand how you can avoid getting caught in this trap, so to speak, or just end up in this situation. It is devastating. Not only was this client processing a divorce, he’s now processing a breakup, which means he’s starting this pattern of relationships that don’t really work out.
And that can really start to impact anybody’s self esteem and confidence. Um, and just our life dynamics. So. Before I dive into really helping you guys understand why women tend to kind of attach and get attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable. Of course, welcome to this channel. If you’re new here, we talk all things life dating and relationships.
Um, and if you’ve been watching my videos for some time, thank you for your support. Welcome back. Um, of course, you know that I’m a dating and relationship [00:04:00] coach for men. I support good hearted men to find deeply loving relationships to avoid situations like the one I’m going to talk about today. Um, and just get into healthy, loving relationships that you can thrive in, not survive.
So many of us are in survival mode in relationships and I want to really flip the script for so many of us and help people find the person that’s right for them and help them gain the awareness and tools to thrive in their relationships. So if you’re struggling with dating, you’re struggling with your self esteem, you’re struggling with just how to navigate modern dating and dating apps.
Um, and you’re, you know, successful in your professional life, but it’s just not translating and dating and relationships, then I’d absolutely love to have a conversation with you. You’re welcome to. Um, in the show notes here, go to my website. You’re welcome to book a call at your convenience. We’re going to chat.
We’re going to get to know each other. We’re going to see if coaching is right for you. And if it’s not, you know, I’m going to direct you in an area or Avenue that is going to be helpful for you. So here’s the story here, right? My client was [00:05:00] legally separated. Of course, he was still in the process of divorce, kids being involved, take some time.
Right. And when he met his new girlfriend, Oh my goodness, was she attentive? Was she affectionate? Was she playful? I mean, he had gotten out of a long term relationship and then he met a woman that appeared to embody all of the qualities and characteristics that he just didn’t get in that long term marriage that really dwindled.
Right? So here’s the thing. This woman really leaned into him. And she appeared really deeply invested and he felt like there was a lot of intimacy in this relationship. In fact, he felt like he was getting everything he thought that he wanted. But what changed here was as soon as his divorce was actually finalized, she immediately, no, I mean like immediately Pulled away.
And of course he felt blindsided. He felt confused. And you know what he [00:06:00] started doing is what a lot of men start doing. He started to self blame. He was trying to figure out what did he do that caused her to behave this way. Maybe it was that he had the conversations she shouldn’t have had or that he was putting pressure on her and in ways that he shouldn’t be putting pressure on her and that he was racking his brain going, you know what?
That’s right. It was, I really, I was too needy. I was too this and all of this was him looking at his own behaviors and blaming himself, putting the weight of her behaviors on his shoulder, uh, shoulders and trying to figure out what he had actually done wrong. But the key takeaway here guys is that yeah, Eventually, as we began, you know, you know, our coaching relationship and talking with each other more regularly, he recognized that it wasn’t just his behavior, right?
Of course he had a role and played a huge role in this, but he later realized that this woman was actually never [00:07:00] fully available for a real relationship. In the first place, but he ignored those signs. Now, why did he ignore those signs? He ignored those signs because when anybody comes out of a longterm relationship, we need to process and we need to heal.
But many of us tell ourselves a story or we have a narrative that we are actually over that relationship, that we ended it. Years before the divorce actually took place or years before we really broke up with that person. And I know this all too well, because I said the same thing myself. Okay. I was so convincing that I was totally emotionally ready for the next thing, but that’s just not how human emotions work.
Right? So this man, Probably needed to spend some time in some self reflection healing from that divorce before getting into a new relationship. But many of us don’t do that. We swing the pendulum from a divorce that didn’t give us what we wanted to somebody that we think is giving us what we want. And we, [00:08:00] we try to invest into that relationship.
Now, here’s the question and this is a question a lot of men ask. Why do women do this? Right? Why do us crazy ass women, right? Why do we women behave this way? Well, I want to share some of the psychological breakdown for you guys, because a lot of guys will assume that women do this because we just love to play games.
But the truth is, guys, it’s deeper than that here. So here’s what’s actually happening. One of the reasons why women are going to attach to what they perceive or what they feel are emotionally unavailable men is because some women are genuinely drawn to the excitement, to the thrill, and to the kind of naughtiness of dating a man who isn’t fully available.
So when there is some kind of obstacle, like he’s not fully divorced yet, or he still has to spend time with his kids and his ex-wife dealing with stuff, or, um, an [00:09:00] obstacle that this man might not realize himself, but that he’s really not fully emotionally available, um, it can actually add an element of mystery.
Which can lead to desirability. And while this relationship might actually feel super passionate, because there’s extra space, because there’s anticipation, because when you, the analogy I used with a client the other day, it’s like, if your favorite dessert is cheesecake. And one thing that makes you desire having cheesecake is when you go out to a really nice restaurant, you know, you’re going to have a damn good cheesecake.
You really anticipate it and that makes that experience of eating the cheesecake so amazing. But if someone was like, I’m going to give you that cheesecake for breakfast, for lunch and dinner every day for the rest of your life, you’d be like, Oh, I’m so over and so sick of this cheesecake. Right? So sometimes when.
There, we put this back to a relationship when we can’t always have what we want. We [00:10:00] desire it and we anticipate it a lot. And that creates this feeling of like, Oh my God, this was like forbidden love. It’s like this psychological appeal of, um, this thing I can’t have all the time, but when I do, it’s so amazing, like cheesecake.
Right? So some people really desire what they cannot fully have. Okay. So this is one of the reasons why women might. And that is how you can actually be interested in men that are somewhat emotionally unavailable. And it’s the excitement, the thrill, the naughtiness and this perceived passion that is taking place.
Now, another reason guys, why women do this. It’s because women are actually struggling with true intimacy. It’s a subconscious relationship fear that they have. They might not recognize it. So they are interested in pursuing relationships with men that aren’t really that available. And this allows women to truly avoid that deep intimacy [00:11:00] because some women, let’s be honest, some women are simply not Capable of deep emotional intimacy.
Even if they say that they want it right? So they might enjoy this idea of a relationship, but they actually struggle with the reality of being fully seen and fully committed in the relationship. Now, with my client. Right. The, as soon as the divorce was finalized, she was out of there because at this point he was actually like available.
We can move in. We can do all this. And it was way too much for her. And even after four years, because for four years, for her, it was perceived as safe because she never really had to go that deep. As soon as he was open and available to like deeply building this relationship, even though it was four years, right?
We think that time makes things deep or time creates intimacy. Time doesn’t create those things. Actively participating it does. So the moment he was truly available, she felt trapped and it [00:12:00] activated her own fears. And so what she did, and guys, you might be really familiar with this scenario playing out for you, is that this woman said, Okay.
Whoa. Like I don’t think I can do this or I need time to process this. And guys, here’s the kicker. What women really mean when they say they need to time away from the relationship to process something means that they simply do not know how to process a relationship with you. Okay. If she needs time away from you to process, it means she doesn’t know how to process a relationship with you.
Relationships that are, that have longevity, that have meat, that have bones to them, people can process together. They can process the relationship with each other. They don’t need to escape each other to process. So this woman felt she needed to be [00:13:00] alone to calm her nervous system. She felt she needed to be alone to figure her things out.
But there’s this beautiful quote by Esther Perel and she talks about a relationship with someone who is Unavailable allows you to have all the emotions of a relationship without the mess of real intimacy. A relationship with someone who is unavailable allows you to have all the emotions of a relationship without the mess of real intimacy.
So as soon as this man was available and the mess of real intimacy was going to be present in the relationship, She was out of there. She couldn’t handle it. Now a third reason guys why women will do this And by the way, women are not like super conscious of this, right? These are our inbuilt patterns.
These are our attachment styles these are our beliefs and Securities and insecurities that we develop through our childhood and our lived experience It’s not everybody was like, Oh, I know what I’m doing. We [00:14:00] don’t have the awareness. We’re just reacting and behaving in a pattern that we’re used to, right?
So the third reason why women might do this guys as, or say that, you know, that they, they can’t fully commit, um, well, women will say that they love their independence. Okay. Independence is a huge cover up for emotional distance. What women are really doing is they’re using this, I value my independence as a shield, a shield, to avoid deeper intimacy.
Maybe you say the same thing. Men say this too. Men say, I really value my freedom. We usually, men usually use the word freedom. Women say independence, right? Why we use different language based on, uh, how we are raised. Right? So women will say they love their independence, but really they are using this as a shield to avoid intimacy with you guys.
And these women will [00:15:00] oscillate, right? They will do this push pull. They’ll lean in really hard at sometimes and then they will pull away. They will lean in really hard and then they will pull away. And you’ll be like, Oh my God, it feels so good. And then what the heck? Where is she? Right? This keeps men emotionally hooked by the way.
This is what women do and they keep you guys like in it because you go, you will, you will rationalize. Yeah, but when we’re together, it feels so amazing. So it must mean that there’s meat and bones in our relationship. But when you’re not together or when you want to really have deep and meaningful conversations, where is she?
What’s going on? How is she processing this? Right? This push pull. Maybe you have like, what you feel or perceive as like, great physical intimacy. Like, you rolled around in the sheets last night, but then she’s actually not there to like, really be present and talk to you. So this keeps you hooked. But here’s the truth.
Once you are fully available for her, she will realize she doesn’t actually want this deeply integrated relationship with you. [00:16:00] She just wanted the fantasy of it. So, women will do this if you notice that these women love the early passion, but actually avoid real conversations, real conversations about the future.
Not like, oh, it’ll be fun to go on this holiday to Hawaii. No, real conversations about the future. How are we going to operate as a couple? Right? She’s going to avoid that stuff. She is going to frequently mention to you, like women will give you subtle signs, right? She will frequently mention how much she loves her space or how much she just needs her space.
Um, and how she’s really not looking for anything serious. And you think, Oh, that’s great. It’s casual. No pressure for me as I’m just getting out of my divorce. But this is a woman actually telling you that she’s not looking for anything serious, which means. I want to enjoy the benefits of being with you and spending time with you without the hard work of going deeper.
Right? And then this woman signs that you might be able to pick this up from a woman is [00:17:00] that this woman will get incredibly overwhelmed when real stuff happens in the relationship, a real conflict, a real issue, a real argument that takes place or like a real situation where you’re having to Go through stress of a change of a job or change of living, right?
She will get really overwhelmed. I can’t handle this. I need space, right? When the relationship starts to feel too real. So this is really important for you guys to understand. And also let’s be honest here, right? It takes two people to get into a relationship. So while women are interested in emotionally unavailable men, you men might think you are totally emotionally available, but in fact you might not be because you’re still in the process of getting divorced.
So don’t kid yourself, right? It takes time to actually heal and process and figure out who you are in this new chapter of your lives. So how can you guys actually avoid this? Because really at the end of the day, this video is not about blaming women. It’s also about [00:18:00] why you guys end up in these situations in the first place.
And it’s very common recently that I’m in, I don’t know what’s in the stars and in the moons right now, but I’m talking to a lot of men. Who are in the process of getting a divorce or just got divorced or legally separated and they’re talking about this new relationship And they’re talking about how the new relationship has just ended for some reason And it usually is when they’re like, hey, I’m open to Moving in with you or like seeing where this goes and then these women absolutely Hightail and these men are left feeling so overwhelmed with what’s going on.
They can’t make logical Sense of it. And that’s because you might not be able to make logical sense of it. It might just be the emotions that you’re feeling, that she’s feeling that you both don’t understand. And especially with women, we’re really driven by our emotions. Not so much logic, right? So it’s easy for us to say things, but we might be feeling something different.
And here’s the truth, guys. Why do you even end up in these situations? It’s because a lot of men, and I’m calling you guys out [00:19:00] here, right? A lot of men jump into relationships. a divorce and separation. Now you might be curious to get yourself prepared for that. And I love doing that work. I’m a great person to work with if you’ve just been divorced or separated and And you want to figure your shit out so that you are emotionally ready for a relationship.
And I can help you avoid getting into a situation like this, right? There’s lots of reflection and healing and preparation that you can do. to set yourself up for success in the next relationship. Working with a dating coach, working with anybody for that matter, when you’ve just gotten out of a relationship, should not be about rushing you to meet somebody right away because you are going to overlook things and end up in a situation like this, or you could end up in a situation like this.
So a lot of you guys jump into relationships way too soon. You think you’re ready. But often what you’re really doing is craving validation way more than you realize. It’s natural. It’s human. You get out of a long term relationship that wasn’t fulfilling and satisfying, [00:20:00] where there was a lack of emotional and physical intimacy and you recognize, wow, I am needing that kind of intimacy so badly.
So the first woman that’s attractive that provides that or gives you a, uh, feeling of that you latch on to really deeply fall in love with this person. And this makes it so easy to overlook red flags guys. And it makes it very easy to favor the comfort of the attention that you’re getting over.
compatibility. So men that are still in the process of healing are way more likely to prioritize instant chemistry because it feels good over longterm stability. And that’s how you guys end up choosing women who are only there for a short time or four years until stuff gets serious. They are not there for a lifetime.
So key questions to ask yourself guy is, um, you know, is, uh, this. Is this woman genuinely integrating into your life or is she really happy keeping things [00:21:00] separate? Good thing to think about. Um, does this woman oscillate between intense connection and then the need for like time and space away from you?
Okay. Right. And does she tell you that she’s actually not ready for something serious? But acts like she is. So there’s a disconnect between what she’s saying and how she’s behaving, right? Because if a woman is constantly needing space to process, that actually means she doesn’t know how to be in a healthy relationship where she can feel emotionally regulated with a partner and it is not your job, men, to go save her or fix her or convince her that you’re the one that she can be safe with.
You don’t need to be convincing anybody. This woman, Who is interested in a relationship where she doesn’t have to go deep, needs to do her own healing. You are not supposed to be her Yoda or her guide, uh, or whatever you might feel that you can do to keep this relationship because So if you’ve been in this [00:22:00] situation before, obviously you guys know how painful and, uh, pardon me, and how confusing it can be, but understanding some of the motivations, why women do this is helpful.
And more importantly, why you might be attracted to these type of women. Um, once you understand this, it can help break the cycle. Um, cause if you really want a deep, fulfilling relationship, it does start with giving yourself time to heal, more time than you probably recognize and more work to heal than you probably recognize.
Um, I’ve learned this the hard way and a lot of you guys are learning it the hard way because you know, here’s the truth, right? When we don’t really understand ourselves, we haven’t reflected on the reasons why our
So make sure you guys are not attracting women who only want half a relationship with you. Now I’d love to hear your comments. Have you experienced something like this? Let’s talk about it. Let’s share some of the wisdom so that more people can have healthy experiences dating and in relationships.
Emotionally overwhelming ones, right? Because my, my mission really is to support good-hearted men like you, to find deeply healthy and loving relationships, and hopefully learn from other people’s mistakes, not go making your own. So, love to hear your comments. Please drop them below. Look forward to providing, uh, another YouTube video to you guys next week, and, uh, look forward to that.
Talk to you all soon. Ciao.
