One of the bigger turnoffs for women in relationships and dating is neediness.
Neediness can manifest in many ways, and often it’s not just a simple behavior to overcome.
In the podcast, I share five powerful reflection questions that can guide you toward greater self-awareness and healthier interactions.
If you found this episode helpful or informative please leave a review and share.
Check out my audio masterclass on talking to women here.
With love, Kimberly
p.s. Book Your Free Dating Strategy Call here (Valued at $500, limited spots available).
© 2024 The Self-Confidence Project Inc. All rights reserved
Transcript:
0:15
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence Project.
I’m your host, Kimberly Hill, and this podcast is all about life and dating and relationships and navigating this intoxicatingly tricky world that we are all in.
0:31
I want to bring you humor.
I want to bring you fun.
I want to bring you practical advice that you can apply right away in your lives, in your dating lives, and in your relationships.
So thank you all for tuning in.
I look forward to bringing you another episode.
What are we waiting for?
0:47
Let’s get started.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the self-confidence Project.
I’m going to dive straight in to talk about why women are so unattracted to this particular quality and this particular quality is neediness.
1:02
Now, before I kind of unpack that in today’s episode, of course, just want to say, hey, it’s good to be back.
Had my first post on social media on Instagram yesterday after, I don’t know, it’s been since April since I last felt well enough to post.
So it’s really nice to be back and and hope to be kind of putting content out more consistently.
1:21
So thanks to all the really kind and lovely messages from those that have been really supportive of me, of my business, of my content.
You know, as you know, social media can be like a really welcoming but also really toxic place.
1:36
And I just feel really fortunate that, you know, coming back on to social media just was met with such a warm welcome.
And it really, it just makes me feel really good, makes me feel really excited to put more content out there.
It’s not that often that I got, you know, vicious or mean posts, but they happened.
1:53
And we all know what that feels like.
That’s not such a nice feeling.
But yesterday was just met with so much warm and, and welcoming messages and, you know, supportive notes and welcomes back.
And it just felt really good.
So I’m glad to be back.
2:09
Glad to be back here on the podcast too.
And we’re going to be talking about, you know, why women are so unattracted to neediness.
But again, before I dive into that on the show today, just two things I want to talk about briefly.
One is that if you have been considering working with the dating and relationship coach, or you’re a guy who’s gotten out of a divorce or separated, or maybe you’re just not really feeling like you’re navigating the world of dating the way that you want to, then I would love to have a chat with you.
2:38
What I what I do is my primary business as I work personally, privately, confidentially with men on a one-on-one basis across a variety of time frames that really help you kind of unpack, unravel and create a clear path forward for dating because it should be fun.
2:54
You know we we do need to kind of sometimes navigate this complexity of online dating and approaching women’s changing societal needs learning from our past.
So if you’re really wanting to kind of enjoy the summer of dating and you’re looking to attract and break your, you know, your old patterns and dating and relationships, and this is a great time to jump on a call with me.
3:18
I’m taking clients again, have a nicer looking calendar because of the break.
So would love to start off with a complimentary and, you know, 45 minute call where we’re going to dive into kind of what’s been holding you back and how you can navigate and move forward so that you can attract a beautiful woman.
3:35
You know, you know, create the Co create the relationship that you’re really wanting to have.
I’m going to be a pleasure and an honor to to get to know you and chat.
So if you’re interested in that, now is a good time.
You can do that by grabbing the link in the podcast show notes or heading over to my website at triplew.kimberlyninahill.com.
3:52
All the links for that will be on the podcast here.
Now, I put out a master Class A little while ago.
I kind of woke up in the middle of the night and had this aha idea that sometimes the way we want to consume content is not always through video.
Obviously, those of you that listen to the podcast tend to hopefully like an audio format.
4:11
So you’re gonna love this audio master class I put out on 10 Tips for Talking and Texting to Women actually talk in this audio master class about the differences on how men and women communicate.
So that you’re really aware.
Say, for example, you’ve been out on a date with a woman and just like you’re, you’re trying to pick up these subtleties and like what she’s thinking or feeling or your dad, like, I don’t want to listen to this podcast.
4:33
It’s going to shed some light on that and also give you some tips and tricks for approaching women, texting, talking to women.
So you just feel so much more confident all in literally 52 minutes on the podcast.
You can, you know, listen to it in one shot, break it up.
Definitely recommend checking that out while I still have that live and you can do so by a clicking on the link to access that.
4:54
Now, if you do purchase that, you’re going to get a option to also access my 35 conversation openers for our dating apps.
So many guys get stuck at what do I say?
5:10
I don’t want to say, hey, you know, I don’t want to be boring.
So if you’re really, you know, got that what I call kind of blinking cursor syndrome, where when you get to the chat box, you’re not really sure what to say.
Definitely check out that additional offer once you purchase the mattress or class, you’re going to not run out of any ideas.
5:25
There’s genuine ones.
There’s fun flirty ones.
Definitely check it out so that you’re not matching with women and then falling short in terms of conversation.
So definitely go check that out.
Support me there and would love to hear your feedback once you’ve purchased and listened to that.
5:42
Now, why women are so unattracted to neediness?
Well, this is really the interplay of feminine and masculine energies.
The feminine woman wants a man who has structure.
Women are attracted to men who are confident and clear and have direction and have emotional awareness.
6:04
Now, when we really think about, well, what causes a man or a woman to be needy or to kind of demonstrate needy type of characteristics.
And what we have to understand is that the the real root cause of neediness is fear.
6:24
It’s fear, It’s a fear of abandonment.
It’s an insecurity.
It’s a feeling of not being safe in a relationship.
And this has nothing to do with a man having needs.
We all have needs.
Needs are normal and needs are perfectly fine.
6:41
It’s how the requirement for needs plays out.
So if you’re someone who’s had maybe a traumatic past relationship or your upbringing wasn’t so wholesome or you have abandonment issues or fear around relationships, then you’re more likely to your behaviors are going to manifest in a potentially unhealthy way.
7:07
Now that might look like, you know, constant messaging of your partner.
Why aren’t they messaging you back?
I’m stressed out.
Like potentially it’s like really constant messaging, a message after message after message until you hear it back or it’s sending a message and then literally fretting and worrying because your mind is racing thinking about all these awful things that could be happening.
7:32
When there’s a silence between you and a partner, it’s kind of manifest as clinginess, like really always needing to be near your partner or have them in your sight or know what they’re doing or have this like kind of almost constant surveillance.
Or maybe it’s the fact that this neediness is playing out in your desire to have this or need to have this constant reassurance from your partner.
7:53
Do they love me?
Do they want to be with me?
Like I’m need?
You’re needing a lot for them.
And this of course, is going to, for a healthy partner that you have is going to create overwhelm, pressure.
And it demonstrates to this woman that you’re with that you actually are struggling with emotional independence.
8:17
You’re struggling to manage your own emotions.
And whether you’re a man or you’re a woman, this can become a very unattractive feature very quickly.
So let’s highlight a perspective here and let’s think about the perspective of a woman because right now we’re talking about why women are so unattracted to neediness or men that possess neediness or have neediness.
8:41
So let’s say this woman meets a man on a dating app, Tinder, Hinge, Match, whatever.
She meets this guy who from her perspective at the time is really calm.
He’s collected, he’s nice and accommodating, he’s fun, he’s charming, witty and even sexy.
8:59
And she’s less overjoyed.
And the dating process goes so well between the two of them that they, you know, couple up and they’re in a committed relationship.
Things are progressing.
You get the picture.
But after time, as she has settled into this relationship, he begins to get more nervous, right?
9:21
Well, the stakes are higher now for him.
He’s got this woman and he’s like, holy shit, like, how do I, how do I keep her right?
So he becomes nervous, he starts to display insecurity, he starts to need this reassurance all the time from her that was not present before.
9:39
He is calling her when she’s out with her friends or texting her.
Or maybe he’s not texting or calling her, but at home he’s stewing, he’s anxious, he’s overthinking.
So when she does get home from being out with her friends, he’s anxious to know where she was and what she was doing and why she came home 30 minutes later than she said.
10:00
And you know, he’s needing this reassurance from her.
And it’s midnight and she’s going.
What is going on?
Because this neediness is pouring out.
Well, of course this woman is going to begin to feel suffocated, maybe unsure about who she’s really in a relationship with.
10:18
And over time, you know, she might even feel like she’s needing to mother you now, almost as if you’re a six year old boy.
Because remember, when we are displaying our insecurity or fear of abandonment, we are almost reverting to our childlike self.
10:36
It’s that that small childlike version of us that feels scared, that isn’t sure of what’s going on, that needs that reassurance.
So this can play out in that relationship where she’s feeling like I’m almost needing to mother my partner and perhaps this man is now beginning to rely on her for his emotional support, maybe even decision making, basic responsibilities.
11:01
And now let’s be honest, this is no longer a partnership, right?
This can become like a mother son dynamic, which is just going to completely explode, destroy any attractiveness that the dynamic or the relationship has with each other or the man and woman have with each other.
11:23
So this is no longer a partnership now.
So if you’re like, shit, this is kind of like me.
I’ve I have some things that I need to work with or you know, you’ve been with a partner that’s been like this or you know, you kind of have a tendency to get a little bit needy in your relationships.
11:41
I hear you.
You’re not alone, right?
But all I want to share right now in this podcast is some suggestions on where you can begin.
Now, this is not exhaustive.
We could we could talk about this for, I don’t know, a whole year of podcast potentially.
11:58
But two things.
One is it always begins with you.
So it’s not well, I need to find a different partner or, you know, I need to read a book even.
It’s like start with self reflection.
12:15
The reflection that you need to do is to begin understanding what triggers your feelings of neediness.
What is it that’s taking place specifically that triggers you to feel needy?
12:34
And what was it that happened in your prior relationship or your childhood that feels similar, right?
What’s going on that’s causing this trigger of neediness to take place, right?
12:55
What is going on here?
Now some some questions and I encourage you to write these down or go back and re listen slower so you can catch them all.
But questions to help you reflect and gain self-awareness as to what some of your triggers are and understand neediness.
13:13
Fear of abandonment can be one what past experiences might be contributing to your feelings of neediness and fear of abandonment.
If you begin to reflect on your past relationships, those childhood experiences, or even any other significant event, this is going to help you identify like the root cause of where these feelings come from.
13:38
This feeling of like overwhelm or insecurity or like quicksand, right?
Like everything is just like falling apart around you because you’re just not, you’re just like out of control in your emotions.
So identify the root cause of what’s causing those feelings because when you understand the origins, it’s going to provide insight into why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and how they’re manifesting in this current relationship.
14:03
And why you want to do this is because the second thing after you do self reflection, I’m going to go through some more questions here is then to be able to communicate this with your partner.
But if you just say to your partner, I’m feeling overwhelmed or I’m mad that you came home late and there’s no context behind it.
Usually people take this as criticism or we start to withdraw from one another because we’re what we’re lacking here is like the deep understanding of why this is taking place.
14:30
And you know, the clarity of communication that you and your partner can have to then work on a solution together to overcome that, as well as you working on a solution independently to overcome that.
So question one is what past experiences might be contributing to your feelings of neediness and fear of abandonment.
14:49
Question two How do you typically react when you feel insecure or you feel this fear of abandonment in your relationship?
Own yourself, own your behavior, right?
So how do you typically react?
Do you withdraw?
15:06
Do you get critical?
Do you, you know, call your partner too many times?
What goes on?
Do you binge eat, drink too much?
Act out Like what is your reaction when you feel insecurity or fear of abandonment in your relationship?
15:23
Once you can identify the specific behaviors and reactions, you can start to recognize your own patterns, you can recognize your own triggers.
And this is going to be a really good first step in helping you understand, OK, what are the unhelpful behaviors that I need to change so that I can keep a healthy relationship.
15:42
So don’t lose this person I love, right?
How do you typically react when you feel insecure?
You feel that fear of abandonment in your relationship?
Third question for self reflection.
What are your core beliefs about yourself and about relationships that might be fueling this neediness ’cause maybe you’re you have this like deep core belief that you’re really not worthy of a relationship.
16:09
Or you have this core belief that you tell yourself that women will always leave you or all relationships end in misery.
Maybe there’s something in you like truly that you believe that is fuelling this neediness and fuelling this fear of abandonment.
16:27
So when we explore our core beliefs, when you explore your core beliefs, it’s really going to help you to challenge and reshape negative thought patterns.
Now this is something that I dive into with a lot of my one-on-one clients.
It’s something that I’m putting in my upcoming course to really help you understand and examine this part of your life because it’s not an instantaneous process.
16:46
When we do this, it can lead to such way more positive outcomes and helps you develop a secure outlook on your relationships.
It’s going to strengthen the bond between you and your partner.
Because when you have good supportive core beliefs about yourself and about relationships, that’s what you get more of.
17:04
But when you have core beliefs that are really limiting, that are suffocating, that fuel your insecurity, that fuel your fear of abandonment, well, guess what?
You get more of that.
So what are your core beliefs about yourself and relationships that are fueling your neediness?
4th reflection question.
17:20
In what ways do you seek a validation and reassurance from your partner and how does this impact your relationship?
How do you go about seeking validation?
Look, we all need a little bit validation and reassurance from time to time.
We’re we’re human beings.
17:37
When it’s excessive, it’s not good.
But what ways do you seek validation?
Some people literally seek validation because they they need constant praise affirmation, they need constant, you’re the best, you’re the best.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Some people need validation through like we have to be having physical intimacy all the time.
17:56
And if I’m not getting that, that I don’t feel secure in my relationship or like, how does it, how does it manifest for you?
And what ways do you seek that validation and reassurance from your partner and how is it impacting your relationship?
When you understand this again, you can then look at alternative ways to self soothe to build that confidence because you need to be able to validate yourself.
18:23
Yes, it’s very nice for our partners to give us reassurance and that’s important.
It’s part of having a healthy inter interdependent relationship.
But that can’t be the replacement for you not having any ability to validate yourself.
18:39
So guys, what makes you feel good?
What makes you feel secure?
What makes you feel like a, a great catch, right?
If you don’t know, you best go find out.
So when you reflect on the impact again of the ways you seek validation, you can understand how that’s impacting your relationship and you can look for alternative solutions.
19:00
Last reflection question, always an action question, right?
What steps can you take?
What can you do now to begin to develop greater emotional independence and self-reliance, not fierce self-reliance.
We’re not going from being needy to being extraordinarily independent and never relying on anyone to be there for us because that is so unhealthy.
19:25
And that’s the opposite end of the spectrum.
And we don’t want you to go there, right?
It’s not like, OK, my partner didn’t give me validation and now I’m like, never, I’m never going to talk to them again.
I’m never going to open up again.
I’m never, you know, complete shut down, Not good.
It’s what can you do to just support yourself better to to support your own emotional state, to to know that you can trust and rely on yourself.
19:51
Is that personal interest?
Is that better boundaries?
Is that self compassion?
Is it counseling, coaching, therapy, whatever?
What is the path forward for you?
What does that look like?
What are you willing to try?
The first thing you try doesn’t have to be the only strategy you stick with.
It’s like try meditation.
20:08
I don’t know, go on a retreat, go spend more time in nature, develop a healthy friendship with someone you can talk to.
What does that look like?
You know, do something that makes you feel capable.
Get a new hobby.
There’s a lot of different things you can.
You to actually develop greater emotional impedance that aren’t just like therapy style support, although that’s maybe something you do in conjunction with with developing a new interest, for example.
20:33
So when you start with self reflection, you start to change when you become more aware of how you are showing up in relationships, this is when you guys are going to radically change the outcome of your relationships.
20:50
And you’re also going to be able to spot healthy women to have relationships with.
Because when you have your own self-awareness, you understand boundaries, you know how to soothe yourself, you got healthy emotions, you’re going to be like, this woman ain’t for me because she’s not, she’s not emotionally mature enough or yeah, this woman is for me because now we have this really healthy relationship.
21:15
We have great communication.
I’m not afraid to tell my partner that, hey, I need something from time to time without, you know, it manifesting into constant messaging, clinginess, overwhelm, pressure.
So I hope that’s been helpful.
21:32
I I recommend, you know, go back and and write down those questions, you know, zip ahead to those questions and then take some time to actually go through the self reflection questions yourself, because when you understand yourself better, you open the pathway to have really great relationships.
21:49
And that has always been my desire and hope for any man that I work with, anyone that comes across my content.
And so I hope today’s podcast has been helpful.
Let’s just create a little insight for you or make you feel empowered that like, Hey, I can take control of this part of my life and I deserve to have great relationships.
22:05
And yeah, sometimes it takes a little personal tweaking in order to get there.
That’s effectively, that’s self development and we all need to be developing ourselves.
So hopefully that’s been insightful for you guys.
Look forward to putting out another episode next week.
And don’t forget to go check out that master class or book a consultation with me if you are looking for some support in this area of your life.
22:27
My joy and pleasure is due to support men to just really have so much more fun and dating, and to attract great women into their lives, all while developing themselves to become better men.
So thanks very much for tuning into this week’s episode, and look forward to another one next week.
22:43
Ciao.
