Welcome back to The Self-Confidence Project. Today I’m diving into the topic of ghosting in modern dating. Learn the true definition of ghosting, the reasons why women might ghost you, and how to avoid it by understanding why women do this and how to regulate emotional investments. I’ll also share tips on how to handle early rejection signs, create emotional tension, and maintain a grounded approach in dating. This video aims to transform your dating experiences into fun and meaningful interactions.
p.s. don’t forget to subscribe, leave your comments, and let’s create a positive forum to discuss your thoughts! See you next week!
Book your dating strategy call with me today by clicking here or watch my free masterclass on must-know tips for dating after divorce here.
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. I’m your host, Kimberly, and today we’re gonna be talking about why you guys seem to be getting ghosted when it comes to dating and what you can do instead. So you stop having this experience that often. Makes dating feel less fun than it should be.
Now, before I dive in, of course, my name is Kimberly Hill and I’m a men’s dating and relationship coach, and I support good-hearted men to enjoy the dating experience, get clarity as to the type of relationship they wanna have, and actually go on to make that a reality. And then sustain deeply loving relationships.
So if dating is no fun for you, or you find yourself in this pattern of attracting the same types of women and relationships over and over again, and you’re literally going to give up on dating altogether, then I’d love for you to reach out and have a complimentary call with me. I’d like to get to know you.
Find out what kind of challenges and frustrations you’re facing when it comes to dating and see if we’re a right fit to [00:01:00] work together so you can be like many of my other clients that are enjoying dating, going on to meet amazing partners and just having deeply loving relationships. You can find the link to book that call in the show notes here, or head over to my website at ww kimberly nina hill.com.
Now let’s actually talk about what ghosting really is because it’s become a very. Go to term for anything that doesn’t really go our way in dating. But here’s the thing. Most of the time what people are actually referring to as ghosting isn’t ghosting at all. So I’m gonna explain what ghosting actually is, why women will do this to you, and then what you can do to avoid being in this situation in the first place.
Because it sucks. And when you guys start to understand the psychology behind why women do this, you will stop taking it so personally and you can start approaching dating with a lot more confidence and a lot more fun. So let’s actually define what ghosting is now. Ghosting is when somebody [00:02:00] abruptly.
Cuts off all communication with you. And that happens after a connection has been built, an emotional connection, a physical connection, um, or a connection that has had repeated efforts. Um, repeated meetups, repeated texting, repeated dates, right? So what ghosting is not. Is when a woman doesn’t reply to the first or second message you send her on a dating app that’s not ghosting.
Right? And a ghosting is not when a woman goes silent after a very short. Exchange of messages on a dating app or maybe even one phone call that’s not ghosting. And ghosting is not when a, you send a woman hey or hi on a dating app and she doesn’t reply to you. That is not ghosting, guys. Ghosting is not when, um, is, doesn’t happen when you haven’t actually met a person.
Right. So if somebody, you’re talking to somebody and then they kind of disappear, [00:03:00] that is not really ghosting and why we don’t wanna misuse this term because when we start to men or women, right? When you start to label every non-response you get, especially in online dating as ghosting, then it creates this unhealthy belief system that.
You’re seeing every interaction as a rejection or you’re seeing yourself as unworthy in every interaction, or you might even go as far as seeing yourself as victimized in each interaction before anything real has even happened. And what this is gonna do guys, is it’s gonna build resentment towards women and towards dating and towards dating apps in particular.
It’s almost in a way, can encourage a bit of entitlement that people can have. Like, well, this person owes me a response. And sometimes it can trap even the best man in anxious loops. Where you are actually seeking some propping up of your self-esteem or [00:04:00] validation from strangers online that you’ve never actually met.
So let me give you a real ghosting example. Let’s say you meet a woman, okay? Online, you share some messaging back and forth. You ask her out, you get on a date, you actually have a great date, or you feel you have a great date, you share some intimacy with this person, maybe a kiss goodnight, and then. They vanish completely from your life, or you were consistently texting somebody.
You’re planning dates, you’re building momentum in what feels to you like a good direction for a relationship, and then a woman stops replying to you entirely without any warning that is ghosting. Or if a woman initiates interest with you, she flirts heavily with you, you’ve gone on dates, and then all of a sudden she suddenly withdraws from this relationship dynamic with you or dating dynamic with you without any explanation.
So ghosting happens when you’ve met in real [00:05:00] life. You’ve built a connection that could have been across a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of months. Sometimes ghosting happens after a year, which is insane, right? But people, uh, disappear out of your life without any warning. Okay? So why does this happen?
Why do people do this? What’s the motivations for. Why women might actually disappear from your life very abruptly and without warning. Now, the first reason is this woman was never fully invested in this dating experience or relationship with you. You were most likely way more into this woman than she was into you.
And this woman liked the attention, but her attraction never fully manifested or clicked with you. So. With this woman when something better came along or she got bored in this dynamic with you, she opted out [00:06:00] silently, and that is one reason why women will ghost. It’s not a nice reason. I am not justifying it by any means.
It’s just one of the reasons why this might happen. This woman simply wasn’t invested. Now, another reason why women. Might suddenly disappear from your life is because you were way too available and you tried to move things along far too fast. So maybe you were over communicating with her, or you were applying instantly all the time, or you were constantly checking in with her and there was no space and no tension and no mystery, and therefore no desire.
So this woman didn’t disengage with you to be cruel or to be mean, but because it didn’t feel exciting, it didn’t feel grounded. And that leads me to the third reason why women will do this. Is because the interaction with you felt really off or made her feel insecure for some reason. Maybe text seemed to [00:07:00] be way too overthought, or you were way too agreeable with everything, or you were trying far too hard, too impress her, and she picked up this energy behind your words and behind these interactions, and the energy felt really needy.
And that triggered something in her to feel a little bit unsafe to proceed. So I wanna share with you a little bit of the psychology behind why women ghost and do these soft letdowns. And oftentimes right women are not ghosting men because women are inherently rude or awful people. Oftentimes women ghost because they are afraid of something, not always of you.
Specifically, sometimes it might be because of you and your direct behavior, but sometimes women feel off or nervous or insecure or [00:08:00] afraid because of the reactions from men that they have experienced in the past. So women will often avoid direct rejection because they’ve been met with things like aggression.
A man that goes well, wha whatever. You’re not even that hot anyways, right? Or they’re met with guilt trips. I can’t believe you’re doing this after everything I did for you. Or they are met with emotional outbursts from men. I can’t believe you led me on, I trusted you. Right? Or they are met with manipulation or begging.
Oh my God. Can’t we just talk one more time? I’m coming over please. Let’s talk through this. So sometimes women are afraid. Afraid of the response that they might get. Not because maybe they fear you in particular, but because they have, have had very negative experiences in the past, and so what they do instead is they disappear or [00:09:00] women will send you guys these really kind of soft, vague messages like, I’m sorry, I’m just really busy right now.
Right? That is a sign that something’s off and she doesn’t wanna commit more time. But doesn’t know how to directly tell you this. Or she might say, well, I’m just not really sure what I want, because she’s trying to gently fade out without confrontation. And guys, this is a all about women and enacting a protective strategy, which isn’t always a kind strategy.
But it is very common because many women are taught that directly rejecting a man can be dangerous. And I’ll speak to this because I had an experience like this. This was many, many years ago. I had just moved back to Canada from Australia, and I wasn’t in. Actually from Singapore, I moved back from Singapore and I wasn’t really in the best place mentally, physically, spiritually.
Um, I had gone through a breakup. I was not in a very good head [00:10:00] space, and I met a man that I engaged in a professional working relationship with, and the lions started to get blurred. Now, of course, this is my perspective and my story. There’s always two sides to every story. Um, so, you know, this is, this is how I felt and I felt that things were, the professional line was being blurred.
Um, maybe at that time I was flirting, but had no intention of taking it further. And so I am fully, you know, responsible in terms of my actions to maybe lead this person on without ever. Knowing I was gonna fulfill anything that maybe he thought I was. Anyways, his behavior got more erratic and I started to notice aggression and um, I started to feel really, really unsafe and I didn’t know how to directly reject this person because at the time, I too was also really unsure about how this person was going to respond and how it was gonna affect the professional working [00:11:00] relationship.
So I tried my protective strategy of. The soft letdown. I remember saying to this person, oh, I’m just not ready for a relationship right now, which he perceived as, oh, but you will be at some point. So I’ll continue to try when. Really the hard cold truth was I wasn’t interested, I was fearful and I needed to cease the relationship immediately, but I didn’t know how to say it back then.
So even I, you know, I’m guilty of these kind of unclear soft letdowns, but it’s not because I was trying to be rude or awful person. It was because I didn’t know how to directly reject this person, um, without the fear of what might happen. And in fact, things got messy for a little while. So. Guys, this is what you can do to avoid being, you know, ultimately ghosted by women.
And the first thing, and I talk about this a lot, and this is something women and men equally need to do, which is regulate your emotional [00:12:00] investment early on, don’t get so far ahead of a connection that you’re more invested in the idea of what something could be like than the reality of what is unfolding.
This happens all the time and. You know how I gave the definition earlier in this video about what ghosting isn’t? It isn’t When you send the first message to a woman and she doesn’t reply. Now, a lot of men, they read these profiles, they see these beautiful women, and they get emotionally invested into a person that they’ve never actually had a real connection with.
And so when this woman doesn’t reply to the first message, you actually personalize it to a degree that’s kind of disproportionate to what has actually taken place. Which is actually nothing. Nothing has taken place other than you’ve sent a message to somebody and they haven’t responded, and people define that as ghosting, when in fact it’s not.
Right? So you wanna really regulate your emotional investment early on. You don’t wanna be imagining a future with someone that you really don’t [00:13:00] know and you don’t know somebody even after a date or two or a couple phone calls, right? So you need this woman to show up too. You are not the only person that should be doing the emotional labor in a relationship early on.
So kind of check yourself before you wreck yourself is the saying, okay. Now you also want to, um, create emotional tension. And not over availability. So you need to let there be space in between your dates. You need to let there be space in between your messages. ’cause that creates playfulness, curiosity.
It’s a grounded approach. You’re not just nice or agreeable or immediately responding all the time. Because when you do, that signals to a woman that you’re really invested early on and that makes a lot of women go, whoa, this is. This is too much, too quickly for me. I haven’t got to where this person is and I might never get to where they are.
So you wanna invite women in versus always chasing their attention, okay? Because if a woman really [00:14:00] likes you, she’ll make it pretty clear that she likes you. You’re not gonna be guessing and trying to figure out these complicated formulas. Um, really early on in the dating dynamic, you also guys want to understand and show that you can handle rejection with grace.
So that if a woman gets to a point where she needs to be honest with you, she thinks that she can. So if she pulls away or she says she’s not interested, you just thank her and you wish her well. Because if you respond immaturely, um, it’s, I mean, obviously this woman is, you know, never coming back, right?
So it’s important to. Be grounded because that kind of response will build your emotional reputation and it shows maturity that women will deeply respect in you. So here’s another thing you guys wanna understand, and that’s how to spot low interest early on, right? If a woman is giving, I have videos on this, but she’s giving you a one word [00:15:00] reply.
There’s a lack of initiation. She always gives you really vague answers or you ask her great questions and she kind of like half answers ’em, but never asks you stuff back. Um, low investment guy, she’s really not that into you and she just doesn’t know how to reject you. So don’t try to win her over, redirect your energy to a woman who is gonna show up for you, um, and not, don’t waste your time on women that really, you might think they’re the most beautiful things in the world, but their personalities.
Don’t match with what you want, and they’re not interested and nobody should try and convince somebody to be in a relationship with ’em. So it’s important not to internalize disconnection because rejection isn’t about your self-worth. It’s about compatibility. It’s sometimes it’s even just about timing.
Sometimes it’s just the wrong time in someone’s life, or it’s just that they feel that maybe what they’re interested in or what they value just doesn’t align. Or maybe sometimes things are just too frustrating or the distance is too long between two people, and sometimes that’s why [00:16:00] things disconnect.
It’s not just about a woman thinking that you’re an awful person or you don’t have worth, that’s not what rejection is about. Rejection’s often about. Attraction or incompatibilities or lifestyle differences or timing, um, or just general preferences that people have. So a man who is grounded just moves on with dignity and not desperation.
So hopefully guys, this helps you to understand really like what ghosting truly is, so that hopefully the experiences you’re having online, you’re not always equating with ghosting. Sometimes people are just using apps in particular in a way that. They’re not as engaged or they just don’t respond because they don’t even wanna start interaction.
’cause maybe they feel, Hey, this isn’t something that I wanna involve myself in. So I hope this video was helpful. I’d love to hear your experiences with Ghosting Below, or what you really thought ghosting was, or what kind of experiences you’ve had with this. Um, and it’s just a great forum for [00:17:00] all of us to learn from and share from.
So hopefully this was a valuable video for you guys. Um, uh, of course, leave your comments if you like this channel. You know, I encourage you to subscribe if you’d like to, so you can see more stuff that I put out every week. It’s my pleasure to create stuff for you guys, um, to just hopefully make the dating space more fun, more lighthearted, more enjoyable, so that you guys can really attract the right types of women into your lives and just have deeply meaningful relationships.
’cause we need more of those and less shitty, toxic ones. Right. Okay. Thanks guys and see you all next week. Ciao.
